Page 8 | To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

ALaughAMinute · 2016-06-25T13:07:14+00:00

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out? I'm so upset.

Gide · 25/06/2016 18:40

Weird. Presumably you have supported her financially and emotionally throughout her degree. I think you have every right to know her results.i find it very odd for people to say she's an adult and doesn't have to tell you. So strange.

BastardGoDarkly · 25/06/2016 18:41

How very odd, there must be more to it?

Lou you sound like a 'blooming nightmare' actually.

Haworthiia · 25/06/2016 18:42

Three possibilities

She's failed/ done badly
She's dropped out
She's punishing you.

Take a step back. Don't ask her again. Tell her whatever the result you're proud then just don't ask. I understand ( and agree with you) that you should be told but if she is punishing you, you're playing into her hands.

If she hasn't done as well as she wanted or dropped out well, that's her choice. My sister dropped out in her second year and continued to take money from our parents whilst not attending and telling them she's got X or y for various exams. I found out eventually and told her she had a week to tell them or I would.
The crazy thing is they'd have been supportive of her dropping out, but the lying and taking money affected them deeply. I don't think any of us trust her any more ( my parents are not wealthy and really sacrificed a lot to help us financially at uni.)

MrsJayy · 25/06/2016 18:43

It sounds like she is either busy with her new flat or really not that arsed about the marks I think you need to calm down

Chattymummyhere · 25/06/2016 18:43

Seems that she's mainly just ignoring you considering she's texting her dad and if she tells him he will tell you.

I think you have bigger issues to be working on with your DD than her results.

Solina · 25/06/2016 18:53

I dont quite understand why you need to know. She is adult and if she doesnt want to tell you she has the right to do so. It is her results not yours.

Also I work in a university and can tell you that they will not tell you results. We are not even allowed to confirm if we have a student of the name or not. So you will just be told that they are not able to give you any information.
Even if they are published somewhere you can look you wont be able to know which one is your daughter as there wont be names.

So YABVU. If she wants to tell you she will and if not then you just have to deal with it.

Original poster

ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 18:53

She's been ignoring us both. She hasn't replied to my message because she hasn't seen it yet. I can tell because the message only has one grey tick next to it. That said, I don't think there is any doubt that she is trying to wind us both up.

She's probably seen her results and is taking pleasure in keeping us both waiting. She was in town today so how difficult would it be?

OP posts:

randomer · 25/06/2016 18:56

mmm sorry to hear about this situation. Deffo ditch the texting though.

MurphysChild · 25/06/2016 18:56

On your side OP, both my two both shared all their results with me, their highs, their lows, their nerves beforehand, their celebrations after. I don't think you are being unreasonable to know, I can only assume the people chastising you for invading privacy or wanting to know haven't supported their DC through uni and previously has a good open relationship with them.

Madbengalmum · 25/06/2016 18:57

Unless the daughter funded it solely, i would say it is definately the OP' s business.

Original poster

ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 18:59

I can't believe some of you don't understand why I would want to know or think it's none of my business. She's my daughter FFS, of course I want to know. Plus I (we) supported her financially and emotionally or the last three years. We've got a right to fucking know and she has a moral right to tell us.

Not sure I believe the wifi story but if it's true I forgive her.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 25/06/2016 19:00

How is wanting to know my daughters results controlling?

In real life it isn't controlling at all, don't worry. It is normal to want to know. And like it or not, these days , more parents are financially, as well as emotionally, supporting their children through university - so yes they are involved much more than ever before.

What kind of mother would I be if I didn't want to know her results?

It would be far more unusual to not want to know or not be interested. And her not saying would make almost any normal parent worried for their child.

Letmesleepalready · 25/06/2016 19:00

I remember that to see my uni results online I needed my student number and possibly a password. Both things that I couldn't remember off hand. If she's just moved that info could still be in a box.
On the other hand, I was checking for my results as soon as they were up, but I'm impatient like that!

MurphysChild · 25/06/2016 19:04

toastedbeagle · 25/06/2016 19:06

Hope you find out soon! I made my parents stew for about an hour after my A level results.. When I rang and told them my results (better than expected)!they laughed and said "what did you really get?" Hopefully you are more supportive!!

Solina · 25/06/2016 19:07

Im sorry but just because you supported her doesnt give you the right to know. The only person who has right to know is her. I didnt tell my parents my results and they didnt ask because it wasnt any of their business and they respected my privacy.

It was your choice to support her, and in my opinion its almost blackmailing to say that because of that she needs to share something private like her results.

velourvoyageur · 25/06/2016 19:07

Thank you OP, that's very nice of you :) enjoy your too!

I just sent her a little text saying we are very proud of her and would support her no matter what. this is lovely.
If she's anything like me though, if she has a 3rd or she's failed, the being upset will take a while longer to pass. She may need to deal with it on her own before involving you. Being disappointed by a result after hard work almost has its own grieving process and that's always complex. Even if an outsider tries to rationalise it, that's no guarantee you'll understand her own mental process simply because grieving isn't rational often. IME the objective when you're sad is to get yourself feeling better - manners and thoughtfulness may just naturally take a backseat.

Things like 'as long as you did your best' and 'we'll love you no matter what' just got automatically swept to the side for me as platitudes....maybe at some time in the future I'll really value that sort of thing but as I already knew I was loved - and I'm sure your DD knows she is very loved by you as anyone can tell from your posts - that kind of reassurance just feels like, the person can't think of anything else to say so they're falling back on that - which of course isn't actually true! But we respond to our own perceptions, not to others'. Grieving can be selfish. She might just need a while to sort it out in her head - I know I like to deal with one thing at a time, and if I were upset about my result my ideal way of dealing with it would be to get myself on an even keel again first, then deal with managing my parents' feelings about it, although in my case my selfish way of dealing with it would be to phone my mum and cry! Please give her time and try not to worry! I do still think forging ahead and not letting her head this would be a little inappropriate though. If she's failed, she'll be the one hurt by it the most.

The thing about a text showing less concern than a phone call I don't at all agree with - we're in 2016 and it's the same, if not actually showing more sensitivity.

Justaskingnottelling · 25/06/2016 19:08

The thing is it's normal to want to know but you think you've got a fucking right to know. Your daughter seems to know this about you and that's what's pissing her off.

And you think you've got rights over her because you supported her. That probably pisses her off too. But it sounds like you're not keen on any view that doesn't support your position. Are you generally like that too?

RubbleBubble00 · 25/06/2016 19:09

It's a bit weird. Everyone's usually desperate to get their results on the day, then go out and celebrate or commiserate

So either she's being awkward, perhaps got a third and is embarrassed hence not wanting to go to graduation ceremony (my ex did that), she's too worried to look at the results.

To me it's really odd she doesn't want to tell you. My ex hid it from his parents when he got a third and didn't tell them about graduation. They were furious with him when they found they had missed graduation and they didn't get his embarrassment of getting a third at a Russell group uni - he was first in the family to get GCSE never mind above that

mountaintoclimb · 25/06/2016 19:12

She may have already worked out her results and so isnt in any hurry to find them out officially. My own dd puts her head in the sand if she thinks her marks arent very good so maybe the op's dd is the same.

regarding the graduation ceremony, it costs quite a lot of money to hire the gown and this may be an obstacle or just that she doesnt want her parents there

randomer · 25/06/2016 19:13

eek people are quite rude!

madein1995 · 25/06/2016 19:16

Please don't email/contact the uni, it will only embarrass her. How long have the results been out? If it's been a day or two maybe she's not had chance to check.

I find it odd people saying you don't have a right to know her results - perhaps not but families tell each other things which is what you are so it's not the same as not telling a randomer in the street! If there is problems with wifi etc there might not be a rush to find them out - me personally I was due a 2.2 or a 3rd so I wasn't too bothered aout checking, and if it had been difficult for me to do so am not sure I would have rushed!

I do agree with people telling you to reassure her. I'm lucky that my parents haven't gone through uni etc so would be proud of me if I'd got a 3rd, so I didn't need to worry aout parents reactions unlike some friends - perhaps she's worried of your reaction and you need to reassure her. Even if she didn't try or has done badly, she still needs her mum to be proud of her and needs not to worry of your reaction. Maybe she's burying her head in the sand? Maybe she's not done too well so is mistakingly worrying that her life is over (it isn't) and if that's the case you need to tell her to not be silly and that a degree isn't the be all and end all!

Ultimately, you need to be proud of her regardless. I know I didn't do as well as I could have and this reflected my results and I'm a it gutted with myself because I know I could have got a 2.1 if I'd tried, but my parents are proud of me anyway. You need to be there for there, and that doesn't mean leaving her to it, you have to be her mother.

Libitina · 25/06/2016 19:17

I can't believe some of you don't understand why I would want to know or think it's none of my business. She's my daughter FFS, of course I want to know. Plus I (we) supported her financially and emotionally or the last three years. We've got a right to fucking know and she has a moral right to tell us.
My DS previously started uni a couple of years ago and dropped out. He started again last year. We have supported him financially and otherwise through it all. However, I disagree that we have a fucking right to know any of what goes on his life. He is an adult and therefore it is his business. He has no moral right to tell us anything. Our love and support is unconditional. Doesn't sound as though yours is though.....

TheWordOfBagheera · 25/06/2016 19:20

Just text her saying:

"Perhaps you're trying to string us out a bit :-) That's ok, we probably deserve it! If it's a result your'e happy with then we are pleased for you. If it's not, then we are here for you. Lots of love xx"

Gabilan · 25/06/2016 19:21

I can't believe some of you don't understand why I would want to know or think it's none of my business. ... I (we) supported her financially and emotionally or the last three years. We've got a right to fucking know and she has a moral right to tell us

I fully understand why you want to know. I think the fact you think you have a right to know may well be part of the problem. She knows you think you've got that right and this may be the only control she has in a situation she feels she has little control over. I'm not saying she's right - but I can see why she might feel like this.