To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

[ALaughAMinute]

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

[magicstar1]

She's ignoring your texts...but have you actually phoned her?

[BadCarrot]

YANBU - having supported her through Uni I would expect her to tell you her result. I do hope she hasn't dropped out and still received your financial support - that's immoral and getting money under false pretences! We've always made it clear that the kids either study and we will support them or work and (mainly) support themselves.

Agree with other posters who say she is trying to control you. I'd just try to forget about it and stop all financial support. Just providing moral and emotional support for now.

[neveradullmoment99]

What difference will it make if you know?
Its nice to know but thats it.
Honestly, its not worth being tagged interfering. That is my worst fear. I did ask my ds a few times but felt he was being cagey and thought i would rather he didn't tell me if he is uncomfortable than be a parent he is embaressed about or doesnt want to get in touch with.

[neveradullmoment99]

I'm different. I didn't pay for my ds education. He used the student loans system.

[DinosaursRoar]

The Uni probably won't tell you.

It's more likely that she got a 3rd than anything else. Perhaps if she failed an exam/essay and could only get a 3rd (or even just passed without a classifcation, do they still do that?). If she tells you, would you start questioning it, asking but why did you only get a 3rd when you got X grade on your dissertation... then she'd have to tell you about missing a deadline or failing an exam meaning she can't get above a certain grade and then deal with you being all disappointed, or even having a go at her about it.

Not wanting to go to her graduation suggests she's fucked up the exams and is annoyed at herself about the whole thing. She's not proud of what she's achieved. Or that she's not actually going to graduate this time round, one close family friend failed some of his final year exams, he passed everything else and so had a choice, resit the whole year, or go back and just do those exams the following January - he had a job lined up who were happy to take him anyway for a Sept start, so did that.

Leave it, don't try and be sneaky, because what will you do with the information once you've got it? Confront her? Tell her off for the poor grade? Keep it to yourself so you can say "I know" when she finally tells you? What will you do with the information?

(Assume it's bad, if it was a 1st, she'd tell you)

[DotForShort]

I understand that you would like to know your DD's results. But really, it is entirely up to her whether she shares that information with you. She is an adult, she has every right to keep her results private if she chooses to do so. I do think you should respect her decision.

I teach in a university. Occasionally parents will contact me with questions about their child's academic progress. I can't reveal that information to them (explaining this has led to some awkward conversations), but even if I were technically allowed to I still wouldn't.

[randomer]

I'm sorry but I would be beside myself if my kids didn't tell me. One of them has needed a lot of emotional support and both need financial support.

I would suggest OP has face to face conversation with daughter.

[LazyJournalistsQuoteMN]

I would tell your daughter that you are proud of her, no matter what result she got in her exams. I don't think it would be appropriate for you to ring the college. I doubt you would find out anyway, if you phoned the college.

[Whataboutwhathuh]

Definitely not unreasonable. I told my parents as a matter of course but also as they had supported me during those years.

[MilesHuntsWig]

If it helps some people at my uni didn't go to gradation as they didn't like the idea of it (and part of the archaic ceremony which involved prostrating yourself in front of the Dean or something equally weird). Some of them did very well too!

I think give her time and space and you'll get there in the end. Hard I know, but she's going through a lot of change and maybe just reacting strangely, or maybe she is disappointed and will tell you eventually. Fwiw I don't think you sound controlling, just like a mum taking an interest.

[Ihatechoosingnames]

FFS don't call the Uni. She isn't telling you for a reason, don't make her withdraw from you further by sneaking around trying to find things out. Ask her to have a face to face conversation.

[ALaughAMinute]

Never how on earth did you cope with the fact that your son didn't tell you? I couldn't bear it if my daughter didn't tell me whatever the outcome.

She's a bit of 'goodie goodie' and very studious so I can only assume she's disappointed in her results.

I think I will send her a text tomorrow if Ive not heard anything. I'll make sure to keep it as bright and breezy as possible even if I don't feel like it. I don't want to phone her as I don't want to come across as pushy or too keen.

[DinosaursRoar]

You actually might be best saying something like "if you aren't telling us because it's not as good a grade as you were hoping for (or you haven't passed), just want you to know it really doesn't matter to me - I just am worried you need my help and I'm not able to offer it because I don't know what the problem is. Always here to talk if you want to, won't mention it again if you don't bring it up. Love you, Mum. xx" then drop it.

[BettyDraper1]

I didn't go my graduations, couldn't be bothered! Sounds weird I know but for my first graduation, I went to Paris and for my second I was working. It's not the be all and end all. That said, I think it does sound as though she is disappointed by her results in some way.

[ALaughAMinute]

My parents would be livid if I refused to tell them my degree result. They were the first people I phoned. They supported me financially all through my education and had a right to know. It would have been a massive kick in the teeth to them had I refused to tell them.

My thoughts entirely!

[embo1]

How are you not being controlling? Leave her alone! Let her tell you when she's ready. Maybe she's still raw about it and needs time to process... figure out what she's going to next before the inevitable disappointment and barrage of questions from you.

[JudyCoolibar]

You can't seriously think the university would give out degree results to an anonymous stranger. Have you ever heard of data protection?

I completely accept that you want to know, but sending begging texts is not the way to find out. If it's "agony" you really are obsessing about this too much, which might well be why she isn't telling you. Back off, try to find a chance to get together with her for a chat, and for goodness sake, when you do get together, don't mention results unless and until she does.

[Dumdedumdedum]

YANBU, ALaughAMinute, nor are you, her parents (divorced or not) being controlling to be asking to know her degree result - it's only natural that having supported her during her studies, you would like to know how she got on. I'd be upset and worried, myself, if my daughter hadn't contacted me immediately to let me know important exam results, as she hasn't got form for this. Maybe she thinks her grade isn't good enough and she's let you down?
I do hope she's just got a hangover and lets you know soon. But I think I would call her at some point, letting her know you support her no matter what and want to be there for her whether it is good or bad news.

[WipsGlitter]

I think you really need to see it from her side. Something is going on that's stopping her from wanting to tell you.

Like lots of others I can't imagine not telling my parents. But something is stopping her from wanting to tell you.

[ALaughAMinute]

Okay, I will text her tomorrow something like Dinosaur has suggested and try to be tactful.

[CaptainCrunch]

Some really nasty responses on here. Calling the OP a "controlling over invested loon", how ridiculous.

The OP has supported her DD's university education, she has a right to know the outcome of that education.

I would imagine your DD has either (a) not got the result she wanted or (b) is feeling a bit raw about your divorce and wants a little time to straighten things out in her head.

I don't think phoning the university would achieve anything. If you can access the result online just as anyone on this forum could, that's probably the best way of finding out.

The best outcome would be to have a proper meet up with your DD and tell her how much you love her and just want the best for her.

Good luck OP and ignore all the disgusting personal attacks on here.

[JudyCoolibar]

Why are you constantly texting her? Don't you ever pick up the phone and talk to her?

[ALaughAMinute]

Thank you to all of you who have offered positive suggestions and agreed that I am not being unreasonable.

[MrsJayy]

You honestly dont need to know she isnt a child she is probably still processing the results whatever they are maybe she thinks she has let you down or something dont contact the uni why would they tell you another adults results