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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

268 replies

ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 14:07

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 25/06/2016 15:12

I would have been beside myself if my DD hadn't told me her degree result. I think I was the first person she told. Seems a bit odd she hasn't told you. Maybe leave it a few days and then text her and say it doesn't mater what her grade is it even if she completed the course at all. Tell her you love her no matter what. Then you wait.

If you know when her graduation would be can you look in the local paper for the results?

P1nkP0ppy · 25/06/2016 15:12

It isn't easy, but then neither is being a mum always so!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/06/2016 15:13

I'm sure that lots of graduates decide not to attend graduation. I went to my first one to shut my mum up and refused the second altogether.

You might want to know your daughter's results but you don't have a right to know them. You say that you haven't been getting on well lately; perhaps that is part of the reason. Other than telling her that whatever they are you support her, let her tell you in her own time.

jellybeans · 25/06/2016 15:13

Yanbu

I would want to know too. Has she told any family members or mutual friends? Facebook etc?

Possibly she got a bad result. I would prob text and ask of there is a reason she doesn't want to tell you and that you will support her whatever the result is even if she has to resit. Perhaps she wants to tell you in person.

I do know people who didn't attend graduations for various reasons. Maybe they are nervous who to invite if parents are not on good terms etc. Some just don't want to go or feel they need to. Some see it as u necessary etc. So not wanting to go isn't just because if bad result.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 15:14

I know for sure she finished her degree because she she was delighted with her mark for her dissertation. That's why I can't understand it.

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 25/06/2016 15:16

In that case I can only think she is withholding this information as some sort of punishment. What sort of relationship do you usually have with her?

TheSolitaryBoojum · 25/06/2016 15:16

I don't think universities publish individual results any more, because of data protection. I do know that Oxbridge students were lobbying against publication a year or so ago.

jellybeans · 25/06/2016 15:16

So she must have passed then? Presuming she passed everything else? Unless it was the final ratification process or disputed. Maybe congratulate her in her degree and say you would love to hear her grade too and whatever it is it will be fantastic. A degree is a degree after all.

Scarydinosaurs · 25/06/2016 15:18

Results are public domain, aren't they? I thought anyone could call to confirm results- for example future potential employers?

Have you tried calling her? Is it because you're communicating over whatsapp and haven't called her?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 25/06/2016 15:19

There is nothing wrong with wanting to know and being somewhat upset she hasn't told you, but you absolutely do not have a "right" to know - why would you? What kind of right?

Phoning the uni is weird and they will not tell you. Phoning anonymously is triply weird; you could be some kind of stalker or somebody who has something against her ... they wouldn't have any reason to tell you.

However the results will be posted on the university premises if its anything like it was in my day - our results were all up in a list in the department... I suppose you could travel there and see! It would be most odd to do that against her wishes though!

She may have done worse than she expected - that doesn't mean a fail. I had a friend who was a high flyer who properly lost it when she didn't get the first she secretly hoped for. She was full of false modesty before results came out, saying she thought she would get a 2:2 but nobody believed her, we knew she had her heart set on postgrad studies and an achademic career and was a perfectionist. When she did get her 2:1 she was devastated and appeared to think she'd failed everyone and her future was over before it had begun Hmm In fact once the dust settled she was fine to go ahead with her plans with a 2:1 - everyone knows there is a degree of fluke in which side of the line between a really good 2:1 and scraping a first you fall on...

I got a first and my mother said - "Oh thank goodness for that at least, we hoped you'd managed that given you only read English" Hmm

I more than half wished I hadn't told her...

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 15:21

She said she didn't want to go to the graduation because it's difficult to park and you have to get there two hours early only to receive a blank bit of paper as the real degree certificate arrives in the post or something like that. I think she said that on Thursday but I'm not sure if she'd had her results by then or not.

This is fucking agony! I'm pissed off!

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 25/06/2016 15:21

Try to back off, the results are very important to your daughter. They really shouldn't be so important to you.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 25/06/2016 15:24

Not wanting to attend her graduation could be because of parental divorce - generally the graduating students get two tickets and she may think you will end up sitting next to one another or that she will feel awkward with both of your together afterwards. Its common to go out for a meal with family afterwards and she may think that either choosing between you or going with both of you will be a nightmare, and not doing it will be an anticlimax...

Then again graduation ceremonies are actually pretty dull and embarrassing to certain personality types and she may just be being honest about preferring not to bother. I skipped the graduation ceremony for my Masters and just got the certificate in the post.

alteredimages · 25/06/2016 15:24

I don't think not wanting to attend her graduation is necessarily a red flag. I chose not to attend mine and I got a solid 2:1. I just don't like long ceremonies and was more than ready for university to be over.

I think degree classes used to be published in the newspaper on the day of the graduation. Does that still happen?

I think you should just call her to ask how she is and not mention her degree at all. At least then you would have a sense of whether anything is bothering her and give her a chance to tell you herself without any pressure.

intravenouscoffee · 25/06/2016 15:25

Is she worried about you and your husband being together at graduation? My housemate was dreading ours because her parents had had a nasty divorce a few years earlier and she was worried they would spend the whole day arguing.

Not saying this is even remotely likely for you OP but it may be something she's imagining rather than the reality if that makes sense.

CheeseAndSprinkleys · 25/06/2016 15:26

She could just be feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all just now. She's finished all her hard work, its over, and she now got some thinking space at last, so give her some. She'll come round...

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 15:28

Why wouldn't her results be important to me? She's my daughter. I probably won't phone the uni because I want her to tell me.

That said, if she hasn't told me in a weeks time i might change my mind.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/06/2016 15:30

I would just leave it, she might not have done as well as she thought, or might have been keeping that she is struggling from you.

neveradullmoment99 · 25/06/2016 15:30

I have been in a similar situation and still dont know. My ds graduated or was meant to about 6 years ago. I still don't know if he completed his degree. He said he did but i have my doubts. Saying that, all three of mine didn't want to go to their graduation. I know for a fact that my other two ds's did finish their degree but just didn't like the fuss so its not all about failing. I have never pushed the point. He is 29 now. I still have no idea. He said he did but there is something about the way he responds that makes me think that he didnt finish it. The way i see it, its nothing to do with me. Its up to him. I would have liked to have known but it affects him not me. So why do i 'need' to know?

LouBlue1507 · 25/06/2016 15:31

Like I said... Controlling!

Becky546 · 25/06/2016 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neveradullmoment99 · 25/06/2016 15:32

She of course could always lie to you and you still will be none the wiser. What is the difference then? Its not worth the aggravation.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 15:35

I don't think she is worried about me and my exh not getting on because we are at least speaking.

I even asked her if she'd rather go with her bf but she said he couldn't because he'd be working. Strange that because it was only a month ago he said it was a shame he couldn't go because she was only allowed 2 uguest tickets.

OP posts:
chocaholic73 · 25/06/2016 15:35

I cannot understand why so many posts are being so hard on the OP. Of course she wants to know, it would be strange if she didn't! More than likely her and her ex have contributed financially towards the daughter going to uni too.

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 15:35

*guest

OP posts:
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