To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

[ALaughAMinute]

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

[CheeseCake2016]

I'm wondering why you don't just phone and speak to her, is that not a normal thing for a Mother/Daughter to do? Maybe she is feeling offended that after all her hard work you can only be bothered to send a text.

[ALaughAMinute]

Judy she hasn't replied to our texts so I don't want to phone her in case it makes things worse.

[BabooshkaKate]

Perhaps her thinking is "why should I tell them if they can't even be bothered to phone?"

I say call her for a general chat and ask then.

To the posters saying that OP doesn't need to know, that it's private, that the DD is an adult- wtf is wrong with you? Graduation is a time for celebration and being all coy about results is weird. This isn't a stranger demanding to know, this is her mother there's no need for this much contempt unless there is a history of abuse or a poor relationship.

[neveradullmoment99]

Never how on earth did you cope with the fact that your son didn't tell you? I couldn't bear it if my daughter didn't tell me whatever the outcome.

Well i just thought, its his life. He needs to get on with it. I moved on. I was more interested in what he was going to do with his life. He ended up joining the army!!! Now he has left. He thought i would be uspet about him joining the army. I was but felt it was his choice. I have no idea what he will do now he has left but he is 29 and an adult. He needs to pave a way himself.

[dailymaillazyjournos]

I really like the sound of Dinosaurs message. I think under the same circumstances that's the sort of thing I'd send. That you hope she's ok and that you love her basically.
YANBU to want to know. I'd be worried, upset, hurt about the silence. It may be that her results are great and that she has another reason for not telling you - a punishment for the divorce, control, feeling overwhelmed et but whatever is going on, I really hope she soon feels able to share her results with you, no matter what they are.

[neveradullmoment99]

It now has no importance really. I just want him to be happy :)

[toomuchinternets]

I'm dying to know now, so can't imagine how you feel!

[Baconyum]

Recent acrimonious divorce 'we are at least still speaking' suggests an atmosphere at min when you and ex together that would easily explain avoiding the graduation ceremony or not wanting you there - I've been through a divorce and totally get why this might be the case but you have to consider her perspective

is she likely to get grief over who she tells first you or dad?

Are either you or dad crap at hiding disappointment?

If she's a high achiever she may still be processing a disappointment

She might be awaiting the result - stuff happens there might be a borderline issue

You've admitted you're not getting along at the moment - pestering over this will not help matters

[SharkBaitOohHaha]

I can absolutely understand that you want to know your daughter's results. However, given her reluctance to tell you and not wanting to attend graduation, I would imagine she's disappointed in some way about her results. She might just need some time to come to terms with it before being able to tell you.

Don't ring the uni. It would come across as overbearing and a bit controlling - and if your daughter found out, it wouldn't do any good for your relationship.

I'd just like to say, though, not wanting to attend graduation doesn't necessarily mean she hasn't finished the course. My DP didn't attend his graduation because he didn't want all the faff.

[MozzchopsThirty]

I think YABU

She's an adult, she doesn't have to tell you anything, regardless of how much you've supported or helped.
No one should offer financial or emotional support to gain something back eg my narcissistic mother often does this, behaves terribly and then says 'but I paid for this' or 'I gave you that' it's very manipulative.

You have no right to her results.

And I do know what I'm talking about with a 20 year old dd who tells me some things, not others I imagine, I don't agree with all her choices but they are just that, her choices

[Givemeabone]

when did she find out the result?

[MozzchopsThirty]

Don't be ridiculous, if my mother was hassling and texting me all the time I'd ignore her, and frequently do

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

"Thank you to all of you who have offered positive suggestions and agreed that I am not being unreasonable."

Hahaha

those who feel you are being unreasonable can fuck off then? Why did you ask the question?

What would you do if she didn't have the result you and she expected? Would you tell her off or wail and beat your chest or otherwise take it personally and make it all about you?

[MrsJayy]

Fwiw I Do think its weird her not saying but i think the op needs to back off a little bit she cant force her dd to tell her and she cant go snooping about the uni trying to find out

[CPtart]

She sounds very immature, like a spoilt child enjoying the attention. She may be more forthcoming if you grit your teeth and don't mention it.
I assume she was glad enough of your emotional and maybe financial support over the years, and will be in years to come if marriage and grandchildren come along.
Your relationship sounds all a bit one way. Happy to take, all on her terms. She must know how hurtful it is to you for her to shun your interest like this. Her own parents. Bloody rude IMO, not normal and very childish.

[Baconyum]

Am I wrong in thinking the op hasn't said she would be supportive regardless of result?

[MozzchopsThirty]

'HER OWN PARENTS' lol said by people with normal parents I presume

What makes parents so special that you have to tell them everything?!
I'm NC with my father and restrict my mothers contact greatly

[CPtart]

Unless there's some back story, we're assuming the daughter-parent relationship is 'normal' here. That's why it seems odd.

[Shakey15000]

I would ring and see how the land lies. Could she have missed the text? Either way, you'll know where you stand if you hear from her that she'd rather not tell you. Then you can send the supportive text.

I'd be very upset too.

[MrsJayy]

My Dd didnt go to her graduation she was working I was a bit dissapointed tbh but you cant force them to conform and play along if they are not fussed they are 21/22 years old

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Massive assumptions from some people about the level of support the op gives her dd - of all kinds.

We don't know the op is emotionally supportive no matter what at all, or whether she has been judgemental of her dd or interfering or whether she is in fact emotionally needy and the support has gone the opposite way to in a normal parent young adult offspring relationship - nor whether or not she has paid for the right to information

[velourvoyageur]

OP it's ok to be unreasonable yaknow. Thanking people for agreeing with you is a bit
The bottom line is that she's made a decision about telling you and for you not to respect that shows that there might be some empathy missing here. Of course it's normal for you to want to know, but to go against what she wants by phoning the uni to get results she doesn't want you to get is controlling. It's like saying 'even though you're an adult, you're still my daughter, so you don't get the same amount of respect from me as I give to others'.
That said she is also missing some or she wouldn't be ignoring you when you obviously want to know so badly. I couldn't do that to my parents.
Bottom bottom line...your relationship with her is worth much more than you satisfying your curiosity so I'd tread carefully.

as an aside, I'm graduating with a 1st and wild horses couldn't drag me to the ceremony....I never wanted to go. Am I proud of my grade? Not really...I worked quite hard but I know I could have pushed myself more, am just very relieved, and happy to know that the essays I really enjoyed writing weren't actually total rubbish!