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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a complete c***?

363 replies

Whatiswrongwithmykid · 24/06/2016 19:55

He had a work lunch today. He has said all along that it's a lunch so therefore he will be back this evening. We have kids including a non sleeping baby. He has already been out the past 2 nights. He knows I'm exhausted and at the end of my tether.

I dumped the baby on him at 6.30 am this morning as I just couldn't take it any longer and needed sleep. I told him before he left that I needed him home tonight.

You can guess where this is going can't you! I text him at 5.30 to see if he was finished. He eventually replied an hour later to say he needed " a pass" but wouldn't be too late. Not heard a word since. I'm fuming! I have no help at all, except him. So I've not had a break or any help with the kids since Tuesday night. I'm shattered and I face another night of being up every hour.

OP posts:
FellOutOfBed2wice · 01/07/2016 06:49

I'm so sorry OP but this has got to be the end of the line hasn't it? What's he playing at?

Original poster
Whatiswrongwithmykid · 01/07/2016 07:16

Yes, it's definitely the end of the line. It was anyway but this has just proved I was right to feel as I do.

I have no doubt he is where he says he is and with who. He sent me photos that prove that. However, I feel that he should have come home. He clearly just thought he'd avail himself of his mates hotel room and stay out as late as he liked. He will see it that it's no skin off my nose since I would have been in bed anyway and he would be straight off to work this morning. But it's the attitude. He clearly feels he can do what he fancies. In fact he often tells me " I have to live my life too". No consideration for the fact that when you have very young children you do have to curtail your own life to a large degree.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 01/07/2016 07:20

When do you get to rest? When do you get to have fun? When he is home it should be 50/50.

He clearly doesn't give a shit. Get some legal advice today and tell him not to come home.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 01/07/2016 07:33

He is a Grade A Super Cunt - please please get rid and give yourself and your children the opportunity to start the rest of your lives (which will be a lot better with him out of it as much as possible)

Original poster
Whatiswrongwithmykid · 01/07/2016 07:54

What makes me the most mad is that he will be tucked up in bed right now while I am up with both kids, having been up 4 times in the night already.

OP posts:
lostandsoscared · 01/07/2016 08:33

So sorry for all the shitty things he's put you through.
I just wanted to add to the chorus of women saying they feel so much better in the long run on their own. It is very hard at first, I'm 4 months in and have ups and downs, but I can't describe the change in my overall levels of stress. Its amazing. I've only one actual child to take care of and worry about now. Not an additional one dressed in mens clothes.
You'll get there OP, it will take time but you'll feel 10 stone lighter.

Horehound · 01/07/2016 08:38

Please God, boot him out!

Original poster
Whatiswrongwithmykid · 01/07/2016 09:26

I'm trying my best! I've told him that I want to separate but he is just going on about how unreasonable I am to be annoyed that he stayed out last night. He always minimises things if they are raised by me.

OP posts:
BeyondTellingEveryoneRealFacts · 01/07/2016 09:33

Perhaps he'll take it a tad more seriously when he is presented with divorce papers?

BeyondTellingEveryoneRealFacts · 01/07/2016 09:34

Flowers by the way. He is an arsehole and when you are rid of him it will be so much easier

Original poster
Whatiswrongwithmykid · 01/07/2016 09:40

He is like a broken record about last night. It's apparently made no difference to my life and has made his life easier - no reason to fight!
He is completely ignoring and disregarding me saying I just don't want to be with him for lots of other reasons too.

OP posts:
Horehound · 01/07/2016 09:44

Just say it did affect you because your are made to be the primary carer of the children 100% of the time.
Can you ask him when he thinks you should get time to yourself?

Just because he doesn't think there's a problem, doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

I guess you just have to say that due to his lack of understanding and unwillingness to co-parent then you need to start the separation process.

Horehound · 01/07/2016 09:46

He missed his train on purpose

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/07/2016 10:00

You'll probably feel a bit better now you're emotionally detaching. I know the run up to deciding to separate from xh was the dark before the dawn.
Now use the time that you have while he thinks you're buckling up and doing things his way to get your ducks in a row.
If you can afford to buy in some help (find a childminder who would be willing to do a few hours during the day or book a sitter) then you can see a solicitor, copy bank statements and payslips, remove anything you don't want him to have to a safe location etc. See the GP and explain that you are feeling ground down by him, have no support etc so that any medical record request will show the real situation.
Then when you're ready, you make your move.

50shadesofGreer · 01/07/2016 10:15

He is choosing to ignore and minimise you because it suits him, but if you persist with separating he can't force you to stay together. I had to tell mine about three times it was over, he kept acting like I was putting him in time out and if he waited and paid lipservice he could come back and start acting like a selfish prick again.

Maybe write out the next three steps you need to take so you have some clarity.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 01/07/2016 10:16

You don't need his permission to seperate.

Original poster
Whatiswrongwithmykid · 01/07/2016 10:28

Horehound I don't believe he even attempted to get his train home.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 01/07/2016 10:31

Made no difference to your life? After you have repeatedly asked him for help and he has responded by absenting himself at every opportunity? After you have been left to get up repeatedly in the night when you are already exhausted? Would it make a difference to his life if he had to live it with constantly broken sleep and no one to help, I wonder?
There is probably no point in trying to reason with someone as entitled and self absorbed as he sounds op. And who cares what he thinks about the reasons you want to separate? He won't accept that the actual reason is his own behaviour and that will be galling, but it makes no difference to the process or the end result, which is that you rid yourself of his dead weight.

Horehound · 01/07/2016 10:42

I think you are right what. What a shame for you but I think you will be so much better off without him! You sound strong :)

Come here for support any time. I think it will hit home to him when he hears how serious you are. Get the ball rolling with solicitor. Sit him down and discuss finances and living arrangements. Say if you live as separated he needs to cook and clean for himself etc etc.

dowhatnow · 01/07/2016 11:17

Sort out the arrangements then kick him out asap. You are just prolonging the inevitable.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/07/2016 11:38

I think what Giddy said is exactly what you need to do. Get your ducks in a row; use this money he is accumulating by his extra networking Hmm for a sitter to give you time to visit a solicitor. Try to find one who is experienced in family law, and who you feel is on your side. Some solicitors still do a free half hour consultation.

Photocopy all recent statements - bank account(s), pension, P45s or P60s or whatever. Hide birth and marriage certificates, passports if you have one, and so on.

It is a horrible time. He may turn on the charm and suddenly be helpful, but it's unlikely to last without a massive amount of self-examination by him to change his attitude towards you as the drudge/nursemaid who is there simply to ensure he isn't inconvenienced in any way. Remember you are not qualified to guide him on that journey; remember that none of this is your fault.

BoatyMcBoat · 01/07/2016 11:44

Oh and don't try to remain in the same house. Living as separated can work for reasonable people, but he's not a reasonable person. If you stay in the same house, it is very much easier to slip back into old ways, and he will take full advantage of that.

Is he likely to clean up after cooking his own dinner? No.
Is he going to wash his own sheets? No
Is he going to tidy up his mess in the sittingroom? No.
Will he clean his shit and piss in the loo? No

I can go on. He can get at you in so many ways if you both remain in occupation. Talk to a solicitor about how to make him move out, but even if you and the children end up cramped in a little flat, your life will be better if he's not there.

And he will have to pay child maintenance! Silver lining. Wink

rainbowstardrops · 01/07/2016 12:14

Oh OP, what an absolute bastard he is! Shock
I can sympathise with the feeling of absolute desolation. My H won't move out and I can't afford to live on my own. My children are older than yours which is obviously easier.
I wish you could just LTB. I really do Flowers

Atenco · 01/07/2016 12:52

While you are exhausted and could do with the help of a cleaner and/or childminder, he is spending his money out on the razz every night.

So sorry this is happening to you, but I was a single parent from the word go because my dd's father was like that and I always knew that I wouldn't have enjoyed her babyhood half as much if I had had someone there who thought it was a chore and thought it was women's work, gggrrrr.

RandomMess · 01/07/2016 12:58

Geez what an utter utter b*stard to pull that stunt.

Time to start the divorce petition on ground of unreasonable behaviour Angry

I am so sorry that he values you and the DC so little SadSadSad