To think my husband is a complete c***?

[Whatiswrongwithmykid]

He had a work lunch today. He has said all along that it's a lunch so therefore he will be back this evening. We have kids including a non sleeping baby. He has already been out the past 2 nights. He knows I'm exhausted and at the end of my tether.

I dumped the baby on him at 6.30 am this morning as I just couldn't take it any longer and needed sleep. I told him before he left that I needed him home tonight.

You can guess where this is going can't you! I text him at 5.30 to see if he was finished. He eventually replied an hour later to say he needed " a pass" but wouldn't be too late. Not heard a word since. I'm fuming! I have no help at all, except him. So I've not had a break or any help with the kids since Tuesday night. I'm shattered and I face another night of being up every hour.

Has he not even sobered up, horrified yet?

Is your name on the ownership of the house? - If so it's not his house - you own half of it, doesn't matter that he's paying at the moment.
Court will take into account the fact that you look after the children - that is a job, you are working you are 'earning' and therefore contributing, effectively what it would cost for someone to look after them for the hours you do.

Go and see a solicitor - you can often get a free hour - see what they say, then you will be armed with the facts and he won;t be able to bully you with his 'version' of what the legal situation is. Citizens advice will also be able to help - tell you about any extra money you may be able to claim, - they also have free legal advice sessions, and if you go to them first will be able to give you a list of local solicitors that deal with family/divorce law.

Knowledge about what you are entitled to is very empowering.

You'd have to have some kind of psychosis for a court to take your kids on mental health grounds. Depression and anxiety when married to a hateful philandering turd won't do it. A quick look at the boards will show you they all threaten getting custody despite ignoring their kids day in day out. They're so boring. New spiel please, gentlemen.

I haven't been on AD's for ten years . I've had counselling since but I'm not sure confidentiality would allow that to be used against me? It was for issues caused by him too so wouldn't look good lol.

Probably the majority of the population has been on ads/ had counselling. Don't worry at all about this. He's just bullying you.

There's a surprise!!! He's obviously been far from a loving supportive partner since the beginning?

Amazing the way husbands say they want full residency of the children (to frighten their wives) when the husband is incapable of looking after them for more than half an hour

OP when I had PND I was on antidepressants, contemplating suicideand, constantly tearful and regularly walking out of the house leaving my daughter with my husband. Nobody mentioned taking her away. My doctors just focused on getting me better.

Your husband is spouting the same shit all hateful, lazy, useless fathers do when their partners stand up to them. He won't go for custody and if he did he'd never get it. Lying in bed with earplugs when the baby cries! Don't you dare let him scare you with his stupid boring lies.

I doubt he'll want the DC. So factor his maintenance payments into your financial forecast.

"I am going out"
"You cant! I cant look after both of them on my own, you are so selfish by expecting me to look after them once every six months..."

"I am leaving you"
"Fine. I will get the kids because you are a shit mother"

Its fucking laughable.

Please kick him out. Don't let your children think he is the grade to aim for in their own marriages.

Funny how your 'mental illness' only becomes an issue when you ask for a divorce.

You ok to leave for hours yesterday looking after the children by yourself, and now you have a 'mental illness'.

Use the next few weeks getting all your duck in a row, photocopying paperwork and see a solicitor. Only once you have legal advice will you know where you stand.

He is going to have a bit of an issue stating that your mental health issues mean that you shouldn't have the kids, when he is leaving you with the kids all the time so that he can go drinking. He is a nasty man who is just trying to frighten you into going along with what he wants.

Your MH issues would not be used against you, you sought help and appropriate treatment and support. Every year at least 1 in 4 people experience a mental health issue, the courts and care system would be overflowing if that was the case.

I have feeling your mental health would improve vastly without this twat in your life.

I said to him that I'd told him I was on the verge of snapping and that I could've snapped and killed both kids yet to him " socialising" was more important. He scoffed at the idea of hurt the kids...... So how he thinks a family court would be concerned about me I don't know.

write everything down and keep it safe somewhere. All the insults etc. Have you got access to joint accounts? Do you have an account he has no access to? Collect important docs such as copies of mortage statements, kids passports etc.

There are people on the relationships board who have great advice about steps.... start with that. Clearly from what you say he is likely to be petty, vindictive and vicious. Protect yourself.

If you want to leave but worried about money the best thing to do is when you do the food shop get cash back it'll look like grocery shopping and then store it somewhere safe or set up your own bank account and put it in there

Get copy's of all the important stuff and keep your head up

You said that you don't think you could get much help because of your income, but I think you'd be surprised. Check entitledto.org (or co.uk?), see what you can claim if you were on your own. There is help with nursery costs if you work over 16h and also working tax credits that you might be entitled to.

It seems to me that your H hasn't dealt well with the pregnancy / maternity period. My first was a challenging baby and I remember the lack of sleep was horrible. It's a form of torture (literally). It looks as if he's already fantasising about all these opportunities, maybe even flirting, which is what is keeping him out of the house. He has not realised that the"you" who he married is still under layers of tiredness and is not helping you get back on your feet. Not only that, he dismisses your health, your feelings, your children's needs and his role as father. I'd kick him out. There's financial support available, you don't need him for that, you have a salary and maybe you will need to be a lot more tight with money but you'll get along. Consider an au-pair, if you have the room, much cheaper than nursery. I have friends who have done that.
Also, having a H like that at home only puts more pressure and work on yourself. You probably have to cook big meals when you could just go with sandwiches sometimes, all the extra wash, ironing, tidying after... you might even put pressure on yourself to get the flat clean and ready for when he's back. Not saying you don't need to live in a clean and tidy house, but I know that there are days when my DD had not slept at all that I couldn't really function, it's best if you concentrate in getting things ready for the kids, rest when they rest and leave housework and meals for when one is able to do bits. Easier without a nagging H saying how he works all day and comes back to toys on the floor and a wife in pyjamas... as if working 35h a week could be compared to 24/7 childcare duties (esp. with a child that doesn't sleep).

By the way, check your DS ears, it might be that. Does she sleep when she's a bit upright (e.g. stroller, carrier) but not on her back? Could be reflux but also ear pain.

Good luck! There's light outside. And lots of nice men who would be happy to share responsibilities, there is probably one for you down the line, if you want to.

He doesn't want the dcs. He says that to make you too frightened to leave him. I doubt he could even spare the time to look after them for a week, let alone actually bring them up!

yy to all the previous posters have said about him taking the children full time (what, to the pub/social event, or to "opportunities"?). The mental health jibe is also another of what I like to think of as the last refuge of the scoundrel.

It's all utter bollocks. Even if he doesn't know it deep down we all do, and so do you. So you're already one step ahead of him.

Assume the worst about him. He sounds vain and selfish. Clearly how other people see him, how he interacts with them, is very important to him. You're about to burst his bubble.

He obviously likes to be seen as Mr Career with little wifey and kids at home, and other women just waiting in the wings if he fancies it. That's about to be taken away from him, and he won't like it.

You'll be told it's his house, his car, his belongings. You'll have the maternity leave thrown at you, him being the one who provides your lifestyle, blah blah blah.

Decide what you want to do and fix on to that. He can have his little hissy fit and fuck off. Can't recommend highly enough taking advantage of the free half hour with a solicitor. It makes the realities much less scary.

When you say your salary only covers the nursery bill, don't forget he'll be stumping up half the bill and maintenance, and you might get something from the marital assets.

Go see a solicitor.

You need to get away from him for the sake of your mental health if nothing else.

SS won't give a shit about your MH 'issues', they'll see you have had a-ds and dealt with the problem, and will trust you to do the same if it recurs. This is actually a plus point, as it shows you take responsibility. Don't tell him that though, keep it under your hat, let him think he's got a weapon and when he comes to use it he'll find out it's a chocolate teapot.

Will he have to pay half of the nursery bill plus maintenance? I thought just maintenance.