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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my husband is a complete c***?

363 replies

Whatiswrongwithmykid · 24/06/2016 19:55

He had a work lunch today. He has said all along that it's a lunch so therefore he will be back this evening. We have kids including a non sleeping baby. He has already been out the past 2 nights. He knows I'm exhausted and at the end of my tether.

I dumped the baby on him at 6.30 am this morning as I just couldn't take it any longer and needed sleep. I told him before he left that I needed him home tonight.

You can guess where this is going can't you! I text him at 5.30 to see if he was finished. He eventually replied an hour later to say he needed " a pass" but wouldn't be too late. Not heard a word since. I'm fuming! I have no help at all, except him. So I've not had a break or any help with the kids since Tuesday night. I'm shattered and I face another night of being up every hour.

OP posts:
BeenThereTooSEL · 29/06/2016 21:44

My DD is EBF and I used to express and mix the gaviscon with it in a bottle

BeenThereTooSEL · 29/06/2016 21:46

Also I worked out it wasn't reflux it was a milk allergy/intolerance/sensitivity and cut milk out of both our diets. Had a different child after 3 days!!!

And she was similar- always needs to be on me, attached to me, next to me, didn't sleep, cried a lot but was good weight etc and hitting her milestones well

RandomMess · 29/06/2016 21:48

You can mix it will breastmilk, or formula, or food - or anything to get it in her!!

At 6 months I cracked (also went back to work) but her on formula as it was easier with the gaviscon. Life improved tremendously with a couple of weeks...

It took until she'd finished teething for it stop completely, we knew about every tooth, the raw bum, ammonia wee and so on! None of my others suffered like that.

Atenco · 30/06/2016 00:51

You could also drink anise tea, it should help for the reflux.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/06/2016 01:28

Yes yes to breastfeeding tea, checking for milk intolerance and to gaviscon for bf babies.
Also GPs cannot prescribe some meds so I took my dd at Paediatric A and E and they sorted it. I pretty much told them I really couldn't take it anymore.

Different baby after that.

Also yy to ear thing reflux makes them probe. Eardrum burst twice.

Dummies also help but maybe a bit too old now?

Then I got rid of the useless manchild and everything was even better. Yy to pps saying it is much easier doing everytjing yourself when you know that is the way it is than having an expectation of help that never comes.

Did he at least apologise for his totally cuntish remarks. No point him saying let's be friends when he has treated you that way unless he sees the enormity of it

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 30/06/2016 01:29

Prone not probe. Prone to ear infections.

DownUnderBound · 30/06/2016 06:32

Get gaaviscon from tesco pharmacy then I don't need prescription

user1465823522 · 30/06/2016 07:03

This reply has been deleted

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Whatiswrongwithmykid · 30/06/2016 07:05

It's not milk allergy as I had that with my older child and this is different.

So is it normal for a refluxy baby to be moaning and then full of smiles as soon as you look at them?

OP posts:
Atenco · 30/06/2016 13:21

It could be that she is just clingy. She could be being affected by the state of your relationship.

Is it feasible to send her to a nursery for half days? I had to have my dd in a nursery half days from that age because I was studying, but it meant that I really enjoyed the rest of the time I had her

RandomMess · 30/06/2016 13:24

I found with DD that distraction helped so yes get your attention may make her full of smiles as temporarily distracted...

It's hard to know but please know even the strongest calmest person can be "broken" by a high needs baby!!!!

Londonmamabychance · 30/06/2016 13:43

Oh OP, I'm so sorry to hear you're having to deal with this! He's being very, very unreasonable and selfish. You are doing right in telling him off.

I really hope he will listen to you and understand how hard things are for you and come around to help out with the kids more than he does now. He is their father, you're both parents, and the kids are your shared responsibility. So upsetting how many men still don't get that in this day and age.

I really feel for you, because I was going through something very similar not too long ago. DD I 20 months, and after the first weeks of newborn joy and excitement and exhaustion, DH returned to his pre-kid ways and went out around 2-3 times a week, normally home around 10 on a weekday but on Fridays frequently after midnight. Worst, on Fridays he was stinking drunk and not pleasant to be around (never violent or such, just temperamental and a bit aggressive). We had massive, massive never ending fights about it, I threatened to leave him more times than I can remember, the amount of times he slept drunkenly ion the sofa can't be counted, oh, or the amount of times he said he'd be home early but then broke his promise and came much, much later. I really thought that we'd end up splitting up, and it made me so sad. But I completely stood my ground and never backed down. I kept reminding myself that I was the one in the right, that we both decided to have a child, and that it should be both of our responsibility to look after her and do housework.

The surprising thing that happened was that around her 1 year birthday, he started to improve. He now goes out just one Fridays, and always comes home at 9.30. He hasn't been late for 4 months. He takes her every Saturday morning and lets me have a lie in, and sometimes Sundays too, and does a lot more around the house. I would say that what ahs changed things is that I went back to work when DD was 11 months, and from then on, he had to drop her off in the morning and I do the pick-up. This thing, that he has this responsibility in the morning, has brought him a lot closer to her and made him more responsible. Further, I am now 3 months pregnant, and have been struggling with tiredness and morning sickness, and this has meant that he has to take her when she wakes up in the night and on weekend mornings. I thought this would make him resentful and want to do less with DD, but the exact opposite has happened! the more he ahs to take care of her, the more he feels generally responsible for her, and the more he grows up. In the mornings after a particular bad night with her waking, he's always even more attentive to her than usual. It's something like responsibility breeds responsibility.

But you have to force it on them, if they're not the type to do it by themselves. Create situations where has to look after the kids. If you're not working at the moment, make plans without the kids and make him look after them. Even a hair dressing appointment or quick coffee with a friend, or a jog, counts. Anything that makes him take care of them on his own. And keep standing your ground and remember, that if you're doing everything, then you may as well be a single mum without the headache of an unhelpful and selfish partner!

Whatiswrongwithmykid · 30/06/2016 15:36

Unfortunately that's not how it is with my husband. This is our second child so we've been through all that you mention in your post and it's not changed anything.

He has the attitude that as I'm either working part time ( as opposed to his full time), or as now on maternity leave I have it easy, and therefore kids and home is my job. He told me the other day that I'm " on maternity leave not holiday" because I asked him to help sleep train the baby when he was off work. He was apparently supposed to be " resting and recuperating" from work.

OP posts:
Londonmamabychance · 30/06/2016 15:55

OP, I'm so sorry that he's like that. That must be so hard for you, you really have my sympathy. You truly do not deserve this attitude. It sounds like he has no clue about how tough it is being home with the kids, I always say it's much, much harder than working full time! I hope you can find a solution, to this situation, if it's as bad as it sounds, maybe the only option truly is to leave, even though I appreciate this must be hard, but many women have done it and have come out on the other side.

RoryGilmore · 30/06/2016 16:10

This thread is so familiar to me. Stbx was just the same when DS was a tiny baby, and nothing changed. Two years have passed, and nothing has changed. I've had enough now so it's time to finish things, but it's complicated. I had the light bulb moment when I actually sat down and did a proper budget, including my salary, predicted tax credits, maintenance, child benefit etc and it worked out to me not much different to what I have to live on now.

deathtoheadlice · 30/06/2016 18:16

That phrase "a pass" is infuriating. You're not a hall monitor. And he's a parent. Tell him babies dont give passes and it takes two to make a baby. Passes are for teenagers. He needs to man up. LTB.

BoatyMcBoat · 30/06/2016 19:25

You could ask him when your rest and relaxation time is meant to happen. I've known that to make a difference a few times.

You could have a discussion about the roles people have. What duties are contained in wife mother, household drudge, father....

You can give him an ultimatum: step up or ship out. You have to mean it though.

Whatiswrongwithmykid · 01/07/2016 01:43

I get to sit on the sofa all day so my whole life is rest and relaxation - or so he seems to think.

He has gone out again tonight and has just text to say he missed his train so is staying in a hotel. Sent a photo of his male friend in the room to prove he is where he says, but really! To me this just shows that he thinks he can do what he likes as everything here at home is my problem.

OP posts:
ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 01/07/2016 02:19

Jesus he is a class A arsehole.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 01/07/2016 03:10

Gone out again? Missed his train and staying in a hotel? Words fail me...
After the week you've had-the discussions you've had with him-he's seriously gone out again...I'm so livid on your behalf.
Well there's your answer OP...really sorry but I don't think he will ever get it.Time for you to take control here and get rid.Being on your own will be far less draining than this.

mathanxiety · 01/07/2016 03:54

Time to pack his bags and leave everything on the doorstep.

I don't think he likes you, Whatiswrongwithmykid.

123MothergotafleA · 01/07/2016 04:16

He's availing of one of his opportunities I expect. Time to end the farce once and for all now.
Definitely bag on doorstep, locks changed, the works.
The end.
What in hell planet is he on? Words just fail me. Other people have said it for me.
What are you waiting for Op.?

50shadesofGreer · 01/07/2016 04:56

Hi What,

I kicked my xh out three months ago, I had been unhappy with his drinking, selfishness, emotional abuse, laziness etc but I was too worried about the effect on the kids/money/whether I was being fair etc to end it. Then three months ago he did something that made me see red and I did. It has been very hard but right now my only regret is not leaving sooner. Ds1 has some complex health issues and Ds2 is very clingy but it is easier now I can just focus on the three of us.

You can manage and the sheer relief of not having to be with someone who treats you with such little respect is fucking amazing!

Hang in there sister.

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/07/2016 05:36

Eeeeesh. My husband is a stay-at-home dad who does a magnificent job with our infant DS and handles 95% of night wakings.

I think I'm going to go give him a hug now.

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/07/2016 05:38

(This thread makes me so sad. You should all have so much more support. I really believe when a woman is working and a man stays home, the woman is so much kinder because she's seen how much work it is for women all in her family and friends to do what they do for a household. We don't look at it as 'doing nothing all day,' the way so many men do.)