Last Christmas...row rages on.

[SweetBerries]

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

Indeed, it is ridiculous!
A family member had a shocking problem where she booked tickets for the whole family to go to America BEFORE she even had all the passports, not expecting any kind of problem - and then realised that she couldn't get a passport for the oldest child because she was her stepmother, and because the birth mother couldn't get her OWN birth certificate because adopted. So - no passport for the oldest child --> none of them going and £xxxx's being lost on the ALREADY BOUGHT plane tickets.

Absolutely do not go to Florida. I'd stick pins in my eyes first!

Why does adoption make it hard to get a birth certificate? It can't be the case that children of post84 adoptees cannot get passports.

Sweetberries I had a terrible time with my MIL, I was subservient to her for years. She used to come EVERY New Year & it was awful. The final time, I'd had a breast lump removed & wasn't able to wait on her hand & foot. I apologized to her for being tired, but said that it was benign. Her reply was,
"More's the pity."
I haven't spoken to her since that day.
The next New Year, we took the DS's to Eurodisney (ARRGGHHH!), the next we went to Calenig in Cardiff, (brilliant!)
DH communicates with her and guess what....when I stopped arranging our visits & buying her cards they fizzled out.
Eventually, MIL sent DH a nasty letter saying that I'd taken her son away from her & that I'd, "won."
Now, left to his own devices, he has gone NC with her.
So Sweetberries, just withdraw. She's nothing to do with you, she's your DH' s problem, poor love! It took me 16 years to learn that she could only walk all over me if I allowed her to.
You will have nothing to do with her, you & therefore DS will not be going to America. How your DH tells his mother is his problem. What your DH decides to do at Christmas is his decision & problem. If he stays home, great, if he goes to the USA you & DS go to your parent's. Even if he caves in & goes this year, do you think that he will cave in next year, when DH is putting carrots out for Rudolph & mince pies for Santa? If he does go, send him (NOT MIL) lots of pics of baby's 1st Xmas. But my bet is, when he has to make the decision just about himself, he won't go.
She doesn't get to split you because your relationship is strong. You respect each other's opinions, there's no bad feeling between you but crucially, she is not a problem for you, she's DH' s problem.
At the moment, every time she pulls your rope, you tug back. Just drop the rope, step back & don't take any part in her power game.

Been there done that. Mil wanted a family Christmas holiday. I wanted to go to New York for New Years. Dh also wanted to go.

We looked at options. A couple of days before mil decides it's a family Christmas in Florida for us all. But she can't tell us dates etc. Dh tells her if she can't tell us dates were not going (as already had time off for New York booked). We book New York (because we got a mega super deal in BA January sales).

Mil then bitches about it all year and books the rest of the family a Christmas holiday in Dubai. It was hot. They argued. Etc. We were told (I was told) it was my fault for saying no to Florida. We don't speak now.

Even if your MIL was a kind and reasonable woman who only ever treated you with love, support and respect, you would still be perfectly reasonable to want to be at home for your DC's first Christmas and first birthday. And if she was a kind and reasonable woman she would accept that decision with good grace.

The fact that she treats you very badly, including refusing to speak to you, makes the idea of either doing a big (self-sacrificing) favour for her or going on holiday with her, completely unthinkable. And she is expecting you to do both! The real world does not work the way she seems to want it to work - if you want people to do favours for you or to spend long amounts of time with them, then you have to be nice to them. In choosing not to be nice to you, she has made the choice that you definitely don't come to Florida.

Her booking the tickets (or claiming to) without your agreement is simply manipulative and shows exactly what a holiday with her would be like - that she would expect to be able to treat you exactly how she likes and that you will put up with it.

Don't go. It would be a miserable time for you and that is bad enough on any holiday but this would ruin the memories of your DC's first Christmas and first birthday. Get your DH to explain to her that you (both of you) had always planned to spend DC's first birthday/Christmas at home and that was never going to change, but the fact that she treats you so badly meant that it was even more certain that neither of you were going to go away with her.

And don't reimburse her for the tickets. You didn't ask her to get them, she made that choice all on her own

Neckguard - I didn't want to post too many identifying details, suffice to say that the adoption was from one country to another and possibly wasn't 100% above board. Either way, the birth mother couldn't get her BC, and to get a British passport you now need to show the birth mother's BC too, to prove that you are eligible for British citizenship/passport. Didn't used to be the case, and if you already have one then it's not an issue - but for new ones, it is.

"At the moment, every time she pulls your rope, you tug back. Just drop the rope, step back & don't take any part in her power game."

I love this! What a brilliant way to put it.

thumbwitches love that phrase too!

I think you need to point out to your dh that it is not normal behaviour to buy tickets to America and assume people are coming without asking. Let alone for dcs first Christmas and birthday! Just no.

not sure if this has been mentioned but to go to America from this year, you need the latest biometric passports.Travellers without an e-passport will no longer qualify for entry to the US under the Visa Waiver Program.

I only found out as we have booked to go to Florida for christmas

She sounds deeply unpleasant. You were not being unreasonable then and you are not being unreasonable now.

You're kidding, right OP? You can't seriously think that you ought to apologise and/or cross a fucking ocean to mollify this racist nutjob?!

Tell her fuck off.