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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last Christmas...row rages on.

187 replies

SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:12

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 22/06/2016 20:27

first of all no ynbau

second she a racist fucker tell her to do one

thirdly-u know have ti apply for a visa online to go to america with all your details-where did she get all these from?

your dh couldnt tell u because? hes already given her the details thats why

chocolateworshipper · 22/06/2016 20:28

As someone who became mentally ill partly because of putting up with my own mum's control-freak manipulative personality, I strongly urge you NOT to put up with this woman.

TheNaze73 · 22/06/2016 20:42

She sounds Pop Larkin

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/06/2016 20:55

I agree with the PP, if he doesnt have a passport, dont get one.

scaryteacher · 22/06/2016 20:57

My dh's mother (won't dignify it by calling her mil) used to try the 'Oh, you've never had a Christmas with us' approach. That's because since we got married in 1986, we have never spent Christmas other than in our own home. If people wanted to come and have Christmas with us that was fine, but we weren't travelling, and with dh often on a high alert for going to sea, we had a ready made excuse.

Just say no; I know it's hard, but once you've established that Christmas is at yours, they tend to shut up.

MintyChops · 22/06/2016 21:34

Poor you OP, she sounds like a nightmare. Have a good, honest chat with your DH and lay it out for him, calmly and factually. YANBU and she is being a manipulative brat.

Allalonenow · 22/06/2016 21:38

The problem with simply not getting a passport and using that as the reason for not going to Florida is that it is just an excuse.

MIL will see that immediately, and you will get constant moaning about getting baby a passport.
Much better to have the "No, I'm not going" conversation once and for all.

IronDuchess · 22/06/2016 22:24

Tell your MIL that you have a criminal record and the US won't let you in!

Only joking but I'd love to see her face! Grin

confuugled1 · 22/06/2016 23:23

Having seen the reminder on this thread about the zika virus, I'd just say that you're not prepared to go anywhere where you might contract zika until you know that you have finished having your family as you're not prepared to risk having a child that suffers for life as a result of her selfish demands. Gets you out of going there for a long time, should you want to.

You'd need to decide about dh going too though as he could go, get it and pass it on to you on his return.

What does he want to do? I've read the thread but in several different readings so I don't know if I've missed it - I've seen that it's putting him in a difficult position between you and his mum. But do you actually know what he has said to her, what she interpreted from this and what he is saying to you? And what he actually wants to do - which could be different from all the above!

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 22/06/2016 23:24

OP...

I am not sure but I think I may just be able to see a consensus....

2nds · 22/06/2016 23:28

Fly to America with an almost 12 month old? Hell no

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2016 23:29

Have to agree with all the others - YWNBU at the time, and YANBU now!
Your MIL is completely unreasonable and out of her tree to have even suggested that you should be anywhere other than near your hospital with your DH last Christmas.

As for the Florida thing - well more fool her. YOu can't force people onto a plane unless you're a deportation crew, so tough nuts lady! I doubt she has already bought the tickets, but again, if she has, more fool her.

I hope your DH is being straight with you about his dealings with her - you need to be united on this or things will start to become difficult.

2nds · 22/06/2016 23:30

Don't bother going on about the zika virus just say no, baby is too young to go on two long haul flights and let that be that.

WindPowerRanger · 23/06/2016 00:48

Need another black woman to tell her to sack it? My rates are very reasonable...

Nivea101 · 23/06/2016 06:04

I'm a person that really hates being TOLD what to do, ask me yes but tell me no!! This woman has arranged where you, your husband and your child will spend your Christmas holiday not to mention the dates you will need to take time from work!!

I recommended a book on here the other day and OP it might be something that you might want to read too, it certainly changed the way I ran my life. "Pulling Your Own Strings" by Dr Wayne Dyer, it's been around for years and you can probably pick it up for coppers on Amazon.

"Wayne Dyer reveals how we all can prevent ourselves from being victimized by others and begin to operate from a position of power at the center of our own lives. Asserting that we alone are responsible for how much we will be controlled by others, Dyer offers his practical plan for developing new attitudes toward the most common sources of victimization and manipulation, such as family members and authority figures in the workplace."

randomer · 23/06/2016 08:48

Why do people get in such a state about what is essentially 24 hours in the middle of winter?
It is a hideous spend fest.

Why doesn't nasty mil donate her wealth to the homeless?
BTW Google narcissist....its her

wizzywig · 23/06/2016 08:57

She wants you to go to show her family back home that she is in charge abd she is the boss. I have no experience/ knowledge about african/ caribbean families, but with indian subcontinental MILs there can be this idea that they control the family. By your husband putting you ahead of her last christmas was a sign she wasnt no 1 and she is likely to have been mightily pissed off. The florida holiday is another opportunity to show rveryone back home that despite her son 'marrying out', she is the boss. I dont know if the asian culture is similar to your inlaws' OP

wizzywig · 23/06/2016 08:58

Strangely what we in the uk/us would class as narcicism, other cultures would call absolutely normal

GabsAlot · 23/06/2016 09:49

problem is wizzy this time dh was too scared to tell her about it and if she has booked it he must have given her the op's details

trafalgargal · 23/06/2016 11:15

Can we settle this MN's myth once and for all (I've seen it on other threads as well as this one.

You do NOT need passport details to book flights to America - to book all you need are the names. You DO need to provide passport details before flying but that can be done as late as check in on the day.

So no her OH may not have given his bloody Mother his wife's passport details (and the baby probably doesn't have a passport yet anyway) so stop jumping to conclusions !

I do agree there's probably a matriarchal power play going on here - and regardless of if she has booked the tickets or not - if she's told the rest of the family the OP and her son will be there it'll be tricky -as the OP's husband is still clearly keen to keep his Mum happy.

OP if your OH is onside then the simplest is to say he (or you if you work) can't get the time off work -If he isn't then it gets trickier.

t4gnut · 23/06/2016 11:23

You need to establish the ground rules early as Christmas can be a minefield - and from personal experience would advise the default is Christmas at home with your kids and anyone you choose to invite.

Long haul flight with a 12 month old - 6-8 hours of pure hell followed by weeks of a sleep disrupted toddler. Do not do it.

GabsAlot · 23/06/2016 13:10

u do need it for the visa though which is done online prior to flying trfalgar

PolitelyDisagree · 23/06/2016 13:47

Can we settle this MN's myth once and for all (I've seen it on other threads as well as this one

You do NOT need passport details to book flights to America - to book all you need are the names. You DO need to provide passport details before flying but that can be done as late as check in on the day

Yes BUT you still need the proper names as they are written in the passport. Lots of people use a middle name instead of a first name for example or an abbreviation of their proper name. You would be stupid to buy an expensive ticket for someone without checking their correct details.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/06/2016 14:02

After what she did last Christmas, if I was your DH I would have already told her to fuck off to the back end of fuck and I'd be having nothing to do with her. Seriously. I'm currently single, but if I was married and my mum pulled that shit on me to my wife, it'd be no contact until a genuine apology was received and even after that future contact would be minimised.

I don't understand why he hasn't done this, personally.

randomer · 23/06/2016 14:43

so nobody can tell me why they celebrate Christmas?

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