Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last Christmas...row rages on.

187 replies

SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:12

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 22/06/2016 17:46

If your DS's great grandparents live over here there is zero reason to go. It's your DS's first Christmas for goodness sake! Do what you guys want to do.

It sounds like your DH is on the side of his family so MIL can go swivel

pinkyredrose · 22/06/2016 17:47

Why would you even consider going when she's treating you so badly? ! She's nuts, I'd never have anything more to do with her.

Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:48

Shovetheholly - We've been together 3 years and I think you are EXACTLY right. He's never lived away from home before and now he's miles away and obviously that's my fault. I thought all that would go away with having a grandchild, but apparently not!

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 22/06/2016 17:52

Sweets - I speak from bitter experience Smile

DoreenLethal · 22/06/2016 17:53

and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year

How can she insist if she doesn't talk to you?

Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:56

Shovetheholly - Yeah, I do. I was told I was too uptight when I was pregnant (I had had a really traumatic miscarriage just before getting pregnant with DS and had ante-natal anxiety for obvious reasons) and then was criticised for my birthing plans. I don't think she was happy that I'm going back to work and DS will be in nursery either. It's not a very nice feeling. I feel so much better hearing from other people that I don't have to feel bad any more though!

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:56

DoreenLethal - I get told what the plans are through my DH. I haven't been directly contacted at all.

OP posts:
OneEpisode · 22/06/2016 18:00

Just to say,
Florida is lovely in December when the UK is cold & dull. Hotels/restaurants are fairly cheap and baby's 1st Christmas isn't all it's advertised.
So you could fly, stay elsewhere in Florida for baby's health, DH had promised you a break & etc.,
and pop by to see family.

Make sure Dh knows the plan though.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 22/06/2016 18:00

I'm just going to add to the chorus of YANBU because you really aren't and your MIL sounds frankly a little unhinged.
Whichever decision you and your DH make about going abroad for Christmas make sure you have a united front. If it's no (and my opinion is that would be the better option) pick one simple reason why you're not going and stick to your guns. Don't let guilt trips grind you down.
If you do decide to go, lay down some ground rules with your DH before you go about how you are treated by MIl and other relatives. Make him make them keep the rules.
Having read many threads on here over the years, I suspect your MIL isn't going to change.

shovetheholly · 22/06/2016 18:02

Not only do you not have to feel bad, you should recognise this passive-aggressive behaviour for what it is: bullying! And that means you also need to protect yourself a bit.

One of the best pieces of advice someone gave me was this: if someone refuses to listen to the normal social cues, and is always pushing you beyond the limits of where you feel comfortable, you are NOT being rude in reasserting those boundaries. But you don't have to do it aggressively either - you can simply be firm, assertive and fair. It took me loads of practice, because my instincts are 1. to cave for the sake of social decorum or 2. to feel angry and a bit panicky at being forced to assert my boundaries and always 3. to feel guilty about the decision I made as a failure in just about all circumstances! I read a couple of assertiveness books and they really helped me to start stating what I wanted, and sticking to it. I still feel panicky and a bit shaky doing it, but it's getting better with practice.

You have a right to be heard, seen and respected as a person!

MissElizaBennettsBookmark · 22/06/2016 18:02

OP you need to read 'Toxic In - Laws' by Susan Forward. She also wrote 'Toxic Parents'. Both brilliant books for this type of situation.

Don't go to Florida.

Stay strong xx

Stinkerbelle37 · 22/06/2016 18:07

Just a thought - babies at Christmas at 1 are much less interesting than at 2. If you run with it this year, you get next year with your side with a child that will actually know what's going on - which makes it a world more fun.... But yep, she's obviously quite demanding / hasn't adjusted to son growing up ( or son isn't managing her expectations)

LindyHemming · 22/06/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2016 18:09

Even if you all got along fine I would be pretty miffed to find out a flight had been booked to Florida for my Christmas. In a normal world people are asked about their wants/needs and availability.

This is so not normal. A woman with whom you have no direct contact has booked expensive flights to a place she believes you should go. Quite rightly you don't want to go. So, your husband, her son, has to sort it out. You're not being unreasonable to not want to spend your son's first Christmas with a racist, controlling bully.

His mum, his problem. He caves in, fails to support you, he's your problem.

He sounds like he will support you though, so just do what feels right for you and your family.

trafalgargal · 22/06/2016 18:15

So she lives in the UK and this Christmas in Florida is as it is a central point for her and your little family and her Caribbean or wherever part of the clan? Which has a certain logic IF this is the usual custom. If however this is the first time then it may be worth considering if this is "payback" for you "ruining Christmas" by not going to hers (and in her head spending it with your family instead even if you didn't).

If she really has booked the flights rather than has just claimed to (she may not have actually done it) then she's really put your OH in a horrible position where he has to choose which is horribly unfair but a lot of how you handle depends on if he can see that she is trying to manipulate him or not.

Vrijeme · 22/06/2016 18:16

Haven't read the thread, but has anyone pointed out that next year you'll have to pay for a seat on the plane for your DC, unless you fly back before the 29th?

confuugled1 · 22/06/2016 18:20

Were you ever asked if you wanted to go to Florida or were you just told that's where you'd be spending Christmas?

If it was the former, I'd just say that I'd never agreed to go to Florida and never would have done, it's their own stupid fault for buying a ticket for somebody without talking to them first (seriously, which normal person would buy a ticket without checking that they were all in agreement?!).

And even for the latter - I'd also say that if they can't have the common decency to discuss plans for Christmas with me before making bookings then they obviously don't want me there. And they're pretty major plans - it's not like you're deciding whether or not to have turkey or goose. or spend the day at your house or their house or your parents house - all of which are reasonably big decisions at christmas time normally, that people discuss well in advance. going to florida is much bigger than any of those and to make plans without involving everybody is incredibly rude.

I'd find some gumpf on the interweb that says that flying is very bad for babies** (assuming you don't want to fly between now and then for a holiday!) and that you're not going to risk your child, they don't love your child if they're prepared to risk her flying, and they should have talked to you in advance then they would have known that they were wasting their money buying a ticket for you and dd and dh.

** Yes, I know that there's not an obvious risk of to babies that comes about from flying, but some people do think that there is - albeit they're usually thought of as nutjobs being on the fringes of science. But it might be a convenient extra reason to come out with when saying that you're not going to go! (assuming that you don't want to go that is).

Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 18:20

Trafalgargal - No it's not custom...as far as I know this is the first time it's happened.

Vrijeme - I've checked with the airline and as long as he remains under 2, we're ok apparently. And I'm definitely not staying there for a year....

OP posts:
diddl · 22/06/2016 18:22

So what did your hiusband say when he was told about this by his mum?

Something along the lines of "don't be so bloody ridiculous we're adults & make our own decisions. If/when we want to see x, y & z, then we'll arrange it with them?"

Bogeyface · 22/06/2016 18:24

You said that if you dont go if flights are booked then all hell will break loose. Thats why she did it, so that you have no choice. Except that you do.

If she was stupid enough to waster her money booking flights without actually checking if you are going then thats her look out, and losing thousands of dollars on the flights may actually make her realise that when she says "Jump!" you say "Fuck Off"

Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 18:26

Diddl - I have no idea. I presume he said he'd ask me but what he says to me and what he says to his mum are quite different as I think he's quite scared of her. I said I wasn't sure if I wanted to or would be able to arrange to go. That's when I started to get told about elderly grandparents going and how it had all been arranged for them to meet my DS for the first time. People seem to forget he's my son, not a piece of cute meat!

OP posts:
Nivea101 · 22/06/2016 18:30

She sounds like a selfish, controlling bitch. I'm a mother in law and I wouldn't treat anybody in my family like this, you are the mother of her grandchild FGS!!!

Fluffyears · 22/06/2016 18:30

I bet she hasn't bought tickets this is just a way to control you so you go otherwise you'll feel guilty at the money she has spent.

No no and no and block her from contacting you as there is no reason for her to do so, communication ange made via dh.

diddl · 22/06/2016 18:31

Thing that I can't get over-nasty messages to you re Christmas-& he still speaks to her!

If you want to see your family this Christmas then do so!

TBH, I'd be doing that even if husband can't say no to his mum & decides that he must go.

How close is your husband to these rellies that are getting together?

Even if it was MIL's "turn" this Christmas, it doesn't mean that you would have to fly to Florida if you didn't want to-even if she was paying!

Nivea101 · 22/06/2016 18:33

I wonder if when she bought the tickets for Christmas which is 6 months away she never thought to realise you could be having baby number 2 round about that time or be heavily pregnant and unable to fly?

Maybe she hasn't really bought the tickets after all.......

Swipe left for the next trending thread