Last Christmas...row rages on.

[SweetBerries]

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

Does your DS even have a passport yet? If not, just don't apply for it.

Tell her to get to fuck, the ridiculous woman.

Christ, where do people get off, behaving like this?

If she's already bought the tickets, more fool her. Tell her to give them to someone who wants to be in the same room as her or get a refund.

Her paying for the flights is not a generous gesture. Even if you decided to go, she is controlling you by paying for it. You will be in her debt.

I second having an honest conversation with your DH.

I've been in a very similar position with my MIL. I would never, ever do anything to put myself under her 'power' again, and I certainly wouldn't fly to Florida on a ticket she paid for, to stay with people I don't know, when MIL was pointedly ignoring me. You are well wishing your rights to say 'no thanks'. You're likely to feel even more miserable if you have a bad Christmas break- it's quite an emotional occasion anyway.

.... I am probably projecting a bit here though! Unfortunately I learnt the hard way, things got so bad that I ended up on medication for stress.

You have a young baby, you've got PND. Please look after yourself

If your baby will be a year old are you planning number two any time soon? With the Zika virus around Florida may be a bad bet anyway?

I think that augusta and jelly have got it just right. It's your DH's responsibility to tell madam that due to her unreasonable and unpleasant behaviour you will not be seeing them any time soon without a proper apology. I feel sorry for you for having a MIL like that and your DH for having her for a mother - and his being piggy in the middle.

I had a MIL like this once.

Vile woman. One of the best things about splitting up with XH was that I never had to see his mother again.

When I think of the power she had over me and my marriage, the walking on eggshells I did, the arguments...what a waste of time.

She's dead now, and her grandchildren have little good to say about her.

What I'm trying to say is, she's just a person. No more or less important than you. Don't give her any power.

I would ask your DH if he has given info such as your passport number to his mother. If he has, you have a problem. If he hasn't, then in all probability she hasn't booked the tickets.

Does your DS actually have a passport? I am assuming not. If he doesn't, would it be possible to book him a ticket at all?

leeds2 good point.
Before anything happens you need to know this. If your DH gave the details its more of a problem to say no.

To sum up, sorry if xpost:.

1. Talk to DH about how his mother could book tickets with your passport details. May be she hasn't booked. May be DH gave the details in which case major conversation with him.
2. Ask DH how he feels. Explain how you feel.

3.. Ask if you can stay away from the main group in FLA and if you can afford it.

1. Decide either to have holiday in the sun preferably away from MIL but enjoying new relatives - or stay home.
2. Do not pay. She can pay to transfer the tickets to someone else or suck it up.

I think it's important to remember here as well that she only has as much power as you give her. You don't need to explain why your answer is a no. If you demanded that she come to your parents for Christmas, would she explain why she said no? Or just say it and that would be that?
You are DSs mum and you (and he) are not going to Florida. End of.

The struggle here is going to be how your DH handles it. Try not to dictate it to him or make it about her (I.e "I'm not going because your mum is a cow / treats me badly / is taking over"). Make it about you ("I feel uncomfortable around her / I won't enjoy Christmas / I don't want to go")
Your DH is essentially being put in the position where he either annoys you or her. She is laying down a gauntlet and asking him to take sides. Don't join in, simply state your decision and reasons they leave it with him.
If he's where he needs to be emotionally, he will accept this, although it will be hard. Don't be surprised if MIL turns on DH and all
Of a suddenly you've influenced him to turn against his family and he is now a bad son etc. If that happens, ignore ignore ignore! It's all designed to get her what she wants.

Good luck Op

Sorry I was jumping ahead.
Say you don't go this year, then my point is it will be a lot more expensive nex

I really don't want to scare you, OP, but have you thought that your name is probably mud to the rest of the relatives? I can't imagine she will have been speaking about you, to them, in glowing terms. If you are in two minds of what to do, just imagine being stuck with mil and a bunch of relatives that don't like you. There is no way I would be stuck in a different country with people that may not like me. You're going to be there with a family that will be passing your baby from pillar to post. Have you the strength to stand up to them?

I would say no, tickets or not. But just to spare the OP an argument, you don't need passport details to book tickets, you just need to provide them later. You need to book in the correct name, that is all. I know, as I recently bought tickets to the us for someone whose passport wasn't to hand.

However, I bet travel insurance to Florida is tricky for a baby, and a woman who has had abdominal surgery within the past 12 months. Or at least that would be a good excuse.

I feel that sometimes MIL's get a bit of an unfair slating on here but OP your MIL is a selfish cunt

YANBU. I don't get this you must spend Christmas with various family members. It's everyone's bloody Christmas and so should be spent how YOU would like to spend it. With our without family

Or

Another one here saying ignore her, it doesn't sound like the lift goes to the top floor there...

How does she know if you can even have the time off work unless you are just popping to Florida for a weekend?

She sounds seriously controlling and you need to stand your ground else she will keep trying this shit.

Having been warned by my parents' experience of Christmas (they lived several hours from both sets of grandparents) we made sure we didn't fall into any sort of pattern pre-children. Then with children we usually had Christmas at home, with occasional trips to our parents as it would never set a precedent.

I wouldn't normally be this blunt but when dealing with a racist piece of shit like her, I'd actually be telling her that she can fuck right off.

And DO NOT refund her for the cost of the plane ticket. She's the one who booked plane tickets without asking you first. If you refund her, there are no consequences to her actions and she'll do it again.

Go NC and I wouldn't allow her see your little baby either. Your DS does not need to be exposed to such a vile woman like her.

Are you seeking help for your PND?

You were almost due, carrying her grandchild ffs.
Your MIL's selfish and demanding attitude ruined her Christmas.

Nope, YANBU. And I don't think YABU to not want to go this year either.

SweetBerries, please start as you mean to go on. Don't cower down and apologise - you have nothing to be sorry for. Let your MIL carry on with her petty resentments and don't allow her to bully you.
Do it once and she'll know exactly how to get her way and push your buttons. You have better things to do with your time.

Florida would be lovely to visit when your DS is older (a lot nearer to Disneyland Orlando that's for sure). Both DH's family and your DS would get a lot more out of a holiday/visit then. Maybe this could be something you can say as a compromise or as an idea for the future?
Though I would avoid putting it to her as a suggestion - you aren't asking her opinion. Your MIL doesn't make decisions for your family - you and your DH do.