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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last Christmas...row rages on.

187 replies

SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:12

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 22/06/2016 17:28

And if you want to obvs!

amidawish · 22/06/2016 17:28

let your dh deal with her. disengage. she's nuts. and racist too.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 22/06/2016 17:28

Your dh should tell her that he is very saddened by her behaviour towards the woman he loves most in the world (that would be you) and that he cant consider seeing her until he is certain that she will treat his his wife and child properly. (Light the blue paper and retire)

Then you can jointly reply to all batshit communication with "the ball's in your court - we're still waiting for you to show us that you value us both"

KateLivesInEngland · 22/06/2016 17:28

Cross post too, sorry.
I've just seen that she's racist on top of everything else, lovely! Confused she sounds a delight.

LurkingHusband · 22/06/2016 17:29

HTH = Hope This Helps
HAND (often used together) = Have A Nice Day

HTH HAND Smile

KateLivesInEngland · 22/06/2016 17:30

Thanks lurk!

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 22/06/2016 17:30

OP do DHs grandparents live in Florida? if yes, are you financially able to book yourselves a holiday there another time, just you, DH and DC? If yes, do that and tell MiL nothing.

PP are right, she is batshit. And if she bought you tickets without checking with you first, it's just tough shit that she's lost her money. I wouldn't pay her back.

The most important thing here is to ask how your DH is coping with this? Is he 100% on your side? Or does he expect you to go to Florida? You need his backing I think. No matter what you say, she's going to blame you but DH should be the one dealing with her.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/06/2016 17:30

KLIE - hope that helps.

Don't go, don't talk to her. Let your DH tell her you aren't going. Make sure you don't have a passport and that she can't get one for the baby.

Gazelda · 22/06/2016 17:31

Like hell would I be going! And DS would obviously be staying home with me. Let the fireworks explode, it sounds as though she is distant enough to make NC relatively achievable.
What does your DH say?

Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:31

I genuinely can't tell you how nice it is to hear that I'm not seriously selfish for trying to look out for myself and DS. I have post natal depression (which is great) so standing up for myself is quite a challenge at times. I need to (wo)man up, basically and tell her that she needs to start treating me like a human being rather than an inconvenience who happened to have her grandchild!

OP posts:
Idliketobeabutterfly · 22/06/2016 17:31

In these circumstances I wouldn't go to Florida and I'd keep her away from the child. Sounds crazy.

MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 22/06/2016 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:34

DH has very VERY recently realised how much this has affected me when I broke down in tears about a month ago. He has said that he won't let her treat me that way again (he has previously just sort of let it happen), but in terms of Florida, I only found out about his grandparents being there for Christmas from his sister...DH didn't want to tell me as he didn't want me to feel pressured.

His parents live over here but the rest of his family live overseas and the US was a convenient meeting point apparently.

OP posts:
Boysnme · 22/06/2016 17:34

YANBU - if you want to see DH GP, save up and go yourself at a time you want to. Do not let MIL dictate what you do or make you feel bad.

HooseRice · 22/06/2016 17:35

Hard cheese if she's already bought the tickets. Don't go and don't give her a bean.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/06/2016 17:37

Sweet, only go, if you really want to go. Dont feel guilted into it or obliged to. If you decide to go, get your DH to speak to his mother and lay down so some rules. The moment she is out of line, you'll be going and you'll be telling the family exactly why.

trafalgargal · 22/06/2016 17:38

Actually you don't need to tell her anything. That's your DHs job. No way should you be travelling 3000 to visit someone who isn't speaking to you. That would be insane.

Daft mare probably thinks you spent last Christmas with your folks so has decided it's HER turn. If she has booked the tickets without consulting you first that's her lookout. Stupid thing to do anyway if your OH might have difficulty getting time off (or claims he does )

ImperialBlether · 22/06/2016 17:39

Who the hell are these MILs who expect their married children to spend Christmas with them rather than with their husbands/wives? Is she crazy? I'm amazed your husband considered it even for a second and that's beside the fact you were heavily pregnant.

EweAreHere · 22/06/2016 17:40

This can't be a serious question.

OF COURSE You are NOT Being Unreasonable!

Frankly, I'd be done with her. End of.

Your DH made the right call, the only call from where I'm sitting, to stay home with you and your soon to be born child, and your MIL is insanely selfish to think there were any other options there.

DO NOT GO TO FLORIDA with this crazy person. And don't apologize for not going.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 22/06/2016 17:40

Tell the vile, entitled piece of work to fuck off. How she treated you was disgusting.

I would go no contact to be honest.

pictish · 22/06/2016 17:41

All I know is that I would certainly never agree to go on holiday with someone who doesn't speak me. Why the fuck would you?

EweAreHere · 22/06/2016 17:43

And do NOT reimburse her for the tickets. She bought them without asking you if you could/wanted to go; totally her problem

starry0ne · 22/06/2016 17:44

Firstly not a chance in hell I would go..

However I do wonder if DH has agreed to her buying the tickets..You need to find out this before you figure out how to move forward..

You don't need to woman up..DH needs to lay down some ground rules and one might be you are not going to spend your chirstmas's trotting round the globe with someone who can't be polite to his wife. Or simply you want Christmas's at home

shovetheholly · 22/06/2016 17:46

YADNBU

How long have you been with your DH?

I wonder if you've been together a relative short time (less than 5 years) and whether before that she was used to having him at her beck and call? I think some mothers act as though their dear sons are still teenagers until they find a partner, then REALLY struggle to deal with the fact that they are actually grown men. The DW generally gets the blame for this, when actually it's their doing - to treat adults as if they are children with no will of their own is really unhealthy for all parties!

Balletblue · 22/06/2016 17:46

I thought this was what Skype was for?

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