Last Christmas...row rages on.

[SweetBerries]

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

The family cant be that close if you've never even met them before. Assuming you've been your DH a number of years. I'd sack it off and tell your DH he has to tell mummy you arent going because of her actions.

For 10 years I've been driving to 2 sometimes 3 households at xmas with dh, and that's to relatives I love. This is my ds 1st xmas this year and I'm parking my backside at home. If they want to see us, they can come here. Do what you want

C'mon OP, I think you knew full well you were not being the slightest bit unreasonable

I don't understand how your PIL booked tickets without your knowledge. Surely they would need to double check your details (passport name etc) or have I missed something

Nivea101 - It's weird you say that because I was thinking the same thing! We do want to have another one next year so she's only a few months shy of that. The thing is, if i did get pregnant again and couldn't go, I'd get it in the neck. That's how afraid of this woman I have become.

You've all put things into perspective here, which is precisely why I created the post. Sometimes you need to look outside your bubble to see how wrong things are.

I think you have to play this with a really straight bat, as the saying goes.

You have a baby, where he goes you go. You didn't choose to go to Florida this Christmas. This has been decided for you. The person making the decision has made a racist remark about you, you have no contact with each other.

Your son will not be going to Florida without you to meet his wider family. You do not wish to go as this entails spending prolonged periods with your MIL, who does not have your best interests at heart. In fact, quite the opposite.

If your dh explains to his mother that she is the obstacle to the meet up - not you- then what does she intend doing about it ?

PolitelyDisagree - I didn't even think of that! If she needed my details I definitely haven't given them to her...

So you will be back at work as will your DH. Even if you wanted to go who is say you will be allowed leave off work to go to Florida and back for Christmas?

I cannot imagine wanting to do that trip with a 12 month old tbh...

Then ask DH. Because if she's got them, he's the highly probable source.

Just 'forget' to get DS a passport 🤔
Damn that baby brain 😉😉!!
BTW - she sounds awful. for you

I never say this, but really she can fuck off

Have a family Christmas in your own home with your DH and child, forget Florida.

You and your DH are grown ups now, you can do what you want now.

It's time to start making your own family Christmas traditions so that your children will have happy childhood memories.

Are you Christians? What exactly are you all " celebrating". Why the need to be together and not at other times?

Personally I wouldn't make any lame excuses. Bull by the horns is what is needed - I think 'no, that doesn't suit us and we weren't consulted. We have other plans,' is sufficient in these circumstances.

I would severely limit any contact I had with this woman.

No way would I go, she's bat shit crazy, this is coming from a nearly 50 old fashioned type, who believes in keeping the peace.

She hasn't even tried to be nice to you, she has been awful towards you and you need to tell her you are going to be nc with her until she accepts you and can be nice.
So sorry for you, the woman doesn't deserve a family.

The thing is, if i did get pregnant again and couldn't go, I'd get it in the neck. That's how afraid of this woman I have become.

You are handing her a lot of power. Why, and indeed how, would you get it in the neck? Don't accept calls from her, don't see her, ask your DH not to pass on any snide comments from her.

I can't help but wonder your MIL's attitude towards you this has contributed to your PND.

Wow just wow.

She's a nasty controlling bully, you really don't need this shit if you're suffering from PND (speaking from experience).

You don't need to (wo)man up DH needs to man up and to stand up for you. How can he even think you'd want to go, when it will quite obviously be a stressful time for you.

Ignore Ignore Ignore this raging psycho hose beast!

Dont do a damm thing she wants, its all about control and your dh needs to step up and tell her where to get off, permanently, until she comes crawling back with an apology for all the crap she has said to and about you.

Wouldnt let my ds within a mile of her.

Who the hell books flights for someone (or pretends to, without your Personal info and passport number she cant anyway, plus you need to fill in an etsa to go to USA) to demand that they go somewhere to suit them?

Nope, Elvis left the building a long time ago with that one

If she really has booked flights, someone has given her your passport details without speaking to you first to check you want to go. Time to have a conversation with your DH, I think.

I'd love a christmas in florida (especially for free), so warm. But not sure I could handle your situation either.
What are the accommodation arrangements... Are you separate or all in a shared house? Ultimately she is your MIL and you OH will want a relationship with her, she's trying to make you appear unreasonable.
She sounds very manipulative but is there anyway you can make the most of it?
The florida trip sounds like its a long way down the road/already planned, so your 'pulling out', rather than 'saying no' [even though it sounds a bit like you were bulldozed into the initial agreement.]
If so you should pay her back at least. I'd be tempted to go, see her as little as possible and learn the lesson for next time. (say no straight away). The christmas they are 2 is amazing as they get so excited by presents so your family will have a great time with your LO next year.

YANBU if you decide to not go though.

YANBU.

I would be reluctant to fly to Florida with a one year old, even if to someone I was great friends with.

Stand your ground.

She sounds very manipulative. I'm glad your DH seems to be on your side.

If you give in to this you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of doing things her way to "keep the peace" be polite but firm.

There is nothing this woman can do to you. If she threatens you call the police. You are a strong amazing woman who has a family and they come before this horrible person's demands.

Good grief. Tell her you hope she's bought herself a one way ticket.