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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Last Christmas...row rages on.

187 replies

SweetBerries · 22/06/2016 17:12

My mil wanted DH to go to her house for Christmas last year, preferably with me but that was negotiable (we aren't great friends). I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time and had spent most of the following 2 weeks in the ante natal unit because our baby wasn't moving. I told my DH that he could go, but I felt I needed to be near my hospital due to the problems we were having. He wouldn't have been able to get home til 28th December because of trains so I would have been on my own for around 4 days/nights.

My DH, being wonderful, told his mother that he wanted to stay with me. Cue nasty messages from mil to me (not him) saying how I had ruined her Christmas, that she was sure we'd have 'a lovely time with MY family' (who we weren't planning to see at all) and that the situation was all my fault. Obviously I was inconsolable - it was the last thing I wanted being that heavily pregnant. I cried for hours and when DH called her to ask her what she was playing at, she just hung up. She's never really been held to account on it.

I gave birth to DS via c-section on the 29th December.

Now, despite this all being last year, my mil has never apologised, doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year so that we can spend it with her and DH's extended family, who I have never met. She still thinks I deliberately ruined her Christmas last year because her son decided not to go and see them as he was about to have his first child.

AIBU here? Should we have gone? Should I be apologising to her? Is it wrong that I'm not very happy about having to fly to America with my baby for Christmas when I'd like to see my family on his first Christmas Day too?

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 23/06/2016 15:07

You didn't ask why people celebrate Christmas randomer you asked why people get in a state about 24hrs in the middle of winter

bloodymaria · 23/06/2016 15:13

Randomer, you're being deliberately obtuse. Not helpful to the op at all.

whattheseithakasmean · 23/06/2016 15:16

so nobody can tell me why they celebrate Christmas?

Why does anyone do anything? For pointless distraction on our journey to the grave. HTH Smile

BerylStreep · 23/06/2016 17:25

whattheseithakasmean Grin So true.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 23/06/2016 17:38

Holidays are supposed to be a time to unwind and relax with people you like.

No way would I be going away with someone who dislikes me so much. Not a chance.

She had no right to book a holiday without speaking directly to you.

Palpatine · 23/06/2016 17:46

Your husband needs to nut up and tell his mother that unless she starts treating you as a member of the family you (you, husband and your son) won't be traveling there to visit them. If she can't be civil and talk to you or be a decent human being and apologise for her shenanigans surrounding your pregnancy and your son's birth, I don't see why you should travel all the way to FL just to be ignored. And I would also suggest to buy your own tickets if/when you go - she sounds the type that would hold "being generous" over you forever.

randomer · 23/06/2016 17:48

I feel for the OP but I think perhaps her and partner could try a different type of Christmas.
Simple,low key,enjoy the baby.

merrymouse · 23/06/2016 18:08

doesn't speak to me anymore and is insisting we fly to Florida for Christmas this year

If she isn't speaking to you, unfortunately she won't have checked that you aren't available.

Your family spends Christmas at your house. Anybody who wants to visit (and stay in a hotel) will be welcome. Good manners will be expected. Bad manners will not be tolerated. It's up to your DH to handle this.

Trojanhorsebox · 23/06/2016 18:16

I agree with Palpatine

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone who is not even on speaking terms with me - and I would question their motives for wanting to go on holiday with me - so any other arguments after this point are redundant, however......

I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone who chose dates, location and booked tickets for me without prior discussion - even if it was someone I get on with, but with someone I don't get on with it shifts the power balance and control in the relationship

I wouldn't accept expensive gifts/tickets/money from someone who is not on speaking terms with me - I would assume there would be strings attached and I wouldn't want to be under any sort of obligation to them

So, I wouldn't go, and if my child was very young, they wouldn't go as I wouldn't want to be apart from them for so long. My partner could make his own choice about whether to go and clearly he would be in the unenviable position of making someone upset whatever he chooses - but it wouldn't be me who'd put him in that position but his mother. His choice now would clearly have longstanding repercussions for all parties.

Craigie · 23/06/2016 18:16

Your MIL is a fruitloop, and there is nothing that would've convinced my to get on a long flight with a 12 month old when my boys were babies - a 3 hour flight to Mallorca is horrific enough!

clarkl2 · 23/06/2016 18:17

tell her to swivel x

Fannydoesit · 23/06/2016 18:36

What Palpatine said.

trafalgargal · 23/06/2016 18:40

u do need it for the visa though which is done online prior to flying trfalgar

And you don't need a visa to book a flight ticket either ......so what exactly is your point ? The airline has no interest in either UNTIL check in.. It's the passenger's responsibility to make sure they have correct documentation or risk denied boarding.

Politely - yes you are correct that lots of people end up paying the price when not checking that the name someone they are booking for uses does not match their passport- however as you also point out it would take a stupid person to do this - as we know MIL is a racist so clearly not very bright it is entirely possible she has done this . (and it's not a visa it's a visa waiver for UK citizens - currently known as an ESTA)

Really though it doesn't matter - The problem isn't whether she has paid for them or not - but whether the OP's OH is prepared to tell his mother to take a hike or not.

pollymere · 23/06/2016 19:11

Don't do it. Baby's First Christmas is a huge thing, especially when theyre that old! You, your DH and baby are the family unit now. You could suggest meeting up for New Year or celebrating baby's birthday with them.

3kidsandacat · 23/06/2016 19:36

Tbh hubby needs to grow a pair and tell her where to go, she has no right to her son or Grand Child, I wouldn't let her anywhere near, I had a similar situation where MIL wanted to come for the birth of my 3rd baby on the 5th Dec, with the help of our 12yr old they looked after DS who was 18mths at the time, she ended up bloody staying until after Christmas, caused a lot of grief with me and hubby, I have since told her to contact me before arranging to visit as it has to be a joint decision, I would keep her at a very long arms length, she will cause trouble I promise you

Katherine2626 · 23/06/2016 19:46

'No' is a very powerful word; use it and then forget this selfish nasty woman.

Mycatsaninja · 23/06/2016 20:39

Do not go OP and definitely don't apologise !! She is rude and controlling and you're never going to win her round so don't put yourself out . She is using emotional blackmail to get her own way and we all know that bullies must not be pandered to . Stay at home with your DH and DS and be happy !!

CookieDoughKid · 23/06/2016 20:54

Oh my fucking dog. She's a nut job. Tell her exactly like it is. If not, get DH to deal with her. I'm sorry you have had to deal with this being a new mum but she's got a screw lose. No. No. No and NO

lotbyname · 23/06/2016 21:13

She's plainly a complete fruit loop and you need to keep your baby safe from her.

I have controlling people in my family and the damage they do is shocking. I'd be very sympathetic with your dp, if she's made you feel this bad in 3 years imagine what's he's put up with.

badg3r · 23/06/2016 21:54

So she expected her son to choose between putting his unborn child at risk or potentially missing the birth to spend Christmas with her?

Then she doesn't speak to you for a year and expects you to be summoned to the other side of the world to spend Christmas and DC's first birthday with a bunch of people you have never met, without asking directly? And you are actually considering going?!

You need to learn to laugh about her op and tell her to sod off. No way would I be going to Florida!

Did dh's grandparents show any interest in DC before? Card/gift when they were born? Any contact since? If not then you really don't owe them anything. If they raised mil they might be just as crazy as her. If you do have a good relationship with them, just tell them you can't go and it has been arranged without anyone asking you directly but you would love to see them and will arrange something another time.

Lone4anger · 23/06/2016 22:58

Does your baby have a passport? If not, don't get one... Also it is speculation that she doesn't like you because you are white. She may not like you but lots of people don't need a reason not to like someone. She sounds controlling. My MIL told me to my face she disliked me and offered my DH money to leave me and our children. He refused. I take it your family treat your husband well - wedding was fine etc. If so then she is being unreasonable.. If there were issues earlier then she could be feeling backed into a corner. Do what is right for you but talk to your hubby. This is the time to sort this so that future relations can be less vitriolic. Never make a partner choose between love for spouse and love for family. Remember you are in the stronger position.

SylvieB74 · 24/06/2016 08:23

I must be v unreasonable. I have been married to my (Bengali) husband for 24 years, one of his sisters has basically never spoken to me..... Until I had a baby boy last year. Suddenly came to stay, very nice and chatty. She 'loves him so much', (never mind the 2 girls we already had, they obviously didn't do it for her) anyway she's invited us several times since then, and I haven't bothered. Honestly think why should my baby sit in a car for two hours, then muddle through without his things and stay in her dump of a house just because the cow wants to see him? Bollocks to her!

Unicorn34 · 24/06/2016 08:36

Your MIL can't buy plane tickets unless she has your passport information

anahata · 24/06/2016 09:08

Totally agree with everyone else saying no.

This will be the Christmas that your baby starts to explore- Pulling down the Xmas tree etc -. Over the next couple of years your baby will start to really enjoy it.

Don't go and spend that precious time sitting on a plane, when you could be at home making your own memories.

NeckguardUnbespoke · 24/06/2016 15:12

Your MIL can't buy plane tickets unless she has your passport information

Where do people get this nonsense from?

How do you think all the "we are travelling on Monday and have just noticed that my passport has expired" threads happen?