Disabled/baby change

[Babyred457]

Have NC for this as I have spoken to friends about it and don't want to be outed!

DH and I are members of the gym and pool at a local hotel and take baby DS (4 months) swimming there. It's not a large pool and has small communal changing rooms for men and women and then a separate family/disabled changing room. This is the only one with a baby change table and nappy bin so it's the one we always use when we take DS. It has 4 lockers in it so obviously if you use them then you take the risk that you might have to wait for someone else to finish before you can get in and get your stuff.

Today when we were swimming there was only one other person in the pool, a woman in her late 50s/early 60s. We left the pool and went into the family changing room and had just started getting DS changed when the woman started banging on the door, shouting that we had to let her in as she was disabled and this was the disabled changing room. DH opened the door, said that it was also the family changing room and that we were changing DS but that we'd be as quick as we could. She carried on shouting that we shouldn't be using the changing room, that she was disabled and we had to let her in. She was incredibly rude and was making such a scene that I said to DH just let her go first, so we wrapped DS in a towel and waited, poor DS was kicking off but so was this woman and I tend to back down when people challenge me. DH however was fuming and went and spoke to the manager (dripping everywhere!) who agreed that it was both a family and a disabled changing room and that it's first come first served, no one has priority.

FWIW the woman no obvious physical disability (although MN has taught me that not all disabilities are obvious) and I don't think there was any reason why she couldn't have waited five minutes, she was also extremely rude. Had she approached at the same time as us I'd probably have let her go first anyway but she saw us leave the pool and go in there with DS (you can see the changing room from the pool!) so clearly then took a deliberate decision to get out herself at that moment and start banging on the door in an extremely aggressive manner.

So who was BU? It's difficult because almost all the restaurants etc I go to have the baby changing facilities in the disabled toilets. I would always happily fold a buggy or get off a bus for a wheelchair user etc but should a person with a baby have to exit a disabled loo or changing room mid-change for a disabled person? After all what would the disabled person do if another disabled person was already using the facilities?

I think the M/F changing room was communal, not open

But not everyone wants to share an enclosed space with a stranger.

Plenty of reasons for that. Social anxiety, shyness, wanting their own privacy.

Nothing to do with the husband.
Maybe neither of the women want to change in a communal space

I was where my3 is now about 10 years ago
Since then I've had ALL my children diagnosed with autism, they all have various other complex needs. I was diagnosed with EDS then fibromyalgia then rheumatoid arthritis. So first I saw attitudes to disability as a carer and now as a disabled wheelchair user myself.

My3 I've honestly never actually had a go at you. Three times I've explained that ASD isn't as simple as "I won't allow" on different threads and ok I got sarky on the fourth occasion.

But on the other three occasions I told you why. I told you there is a big problem with idiots who had agendas using those kinds of statements against us, against our children. Each time it was insinuated that listers like me and fanjo obviously don't bother, then. Which is untrue and hurtful and nit particularly insightful of the nature of ASD as a disability.

By the way - won't allow worked for me up to age 5 max.

I didn't say it will definitely happen. He's my child and nothing I say about him is in any way a dig about anyone else or their children. I was asking a question about my expectations being too high because I don't know an awful lot about ASD at this stage. Sorry if that annoys people.

The woman with the disability may not have wanted to or coped with sharing.

Meandmy your expectations might be too high, might not. Spectrum is way too huge to predict.

Normal?

Baconyum I think perhaps you're getting a little too irate. Attacking the OP saying she aggravated the disabled woman? Why would you assume that?

I get that disabled people (being one myself) can be treated less favourably (as I have been myself) but your rant has such vitriol and there really is no need. Sometimes people can just be rude, even disabled people.

The OP was perfectly entitled to use that room as it was also the family changing facility- the issue is with the establishment not the OP.

But I do agree, some of the Pp's advocating attacking a disabled person is very very wrong and MNHQ need to react a lot quicker.

I said "normal" as I went mind blind a moment. Hence the commas.
I meant non-disabled

I'd agree if this was a stand alone thread.
But in the torrent of excrement of disability baiting threads in the past couple of weeks this is the turd that broke the pan.

Yes, I'm aware I'm very scatalogical tonight.

Here's an idea.
Why not just put it down as one of those experiences in life that perplex you, gain support from the countless people you discussed it with in real life and resist creating a post the only purpose of which is to drag the obtuse and the thick out from their basements to creatively offend and belittle people with disabilities.

My dd and I are also disabled.

The lack of support from MNHQ is becoming very disheartening especially given their 'this is my child' campaign.

As for assuming the op aggravated the disabled lady, it happens all the time. It wouldn't be outside the realms of possibility.

In terms of assumption, there's been LOTS of assuming directed AT the disabled lady.

@Baconyum

My dd and I are also disabled.

The lack of support from MNHQ is becoming very disheartening especially given their 'this is my child' campaign.

As for assuming the op aggravated the disabled lady, it happens all the time. It wouldn't be outside the realms of possibility.

In terms of assumption, there's been LOTS of assuming directed AT the disabled lady.

Please be assured that we're aware there are lots disheartened by this - we
are working bloody hard behind the scenes -
We are also hugely busy - we greatly appreciate all the reports but as RebeccaMN said, we want to ensure that we're taking sufficient time to analyse and not make a reflex reaction on each report.

We would also remind you that our overarching aim here is to make parents' lives easier

PEACE AND LOVE please
MNHQ

MeAndMy. My DS has ?ASD (undiagnosed as of yet). Please try not to worry about friends. I have often felt sad for DS who probably only had 1 birthday party invite in his first years at his old school. But we've just had a lovely evening on the park where he made friends with one boy (practically unheard of) then went on to okay football with boys family. These lovely bits in between make it all worthwhile.

Going back to the actual thread, I don't know where to even begin. Yes I do think the lady was being a bit rude OP, maybe she was at the end of her tether? but commenting on the 'she didn't look disabled' is just asking for it. I don't look disabled either. You're welcome to any one of my several illnesses.

I can understand peoples suspicions, I hardly ever report but thread after thread at the minute just seems to be one big goady twat fest. I understand that Mumsnet is a huge forum and they have lots to deal with. But just recently my finger has been red hot from reporting several posts on several goady threads which are leaving posters obviously upset and despite several reports, nothing appears to be being done to stem it. Although I'm sure that's not true, that's what it looks like.

Yanbu for feeling upset. It is unpleasant to be shouted at. And unfairly too as you were not doing anything wrong. You were using facilities provided to you.

It was appropriate for you to vacate them when someone with greater need made you aware of their greater need.

She was not being unreasonable to tell you she needed them. Although the way she told you would have been very distressing, especially to your child. And it is unfair for them to experience it. But not unreasonable for her to express her needs in any way she can.

It is a useless set up. But again I can see why the gym would do so: it is easier to put clothes in and out of a locker where you and or your carer are dressing rather than go back and forth. Main improvement would be to not have baby change in the same place.

I guess for the poor woman who responded so emotionally to being locked out of the room it would be easier for her if she were able to respond in a more measured way. The fact that she didn't suggests she can't. she might just be a rude Feckenham. More likely, perhaps, she cannot control her emotions. And exercise often tires you such that a veneer of control might slip. And you respond in ways you otherwise wouldn't. Those who can are the luckier in life, have an easier time in life and should thank our lucky stars we can.

Yanbu to have been upset by her. She wnbu to have been upset at you and the situation. Life sometimes is unpleasant for all involved in a situation. You can walk away from her difficult life.

She can't. Although I think we can all hope this bit of it gets better for her.