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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder why DH has sent a friend request to what looks like a woman he and his friends met on a recent jolly?

162 replies

1million · 22/06/2016 12:00

Saw it on his FB page as it came up XX and XX are now friends and looks like he friend requested her.... so after doing some research looks like her and her friend who on hols the same time as DH and his friends. So what to do...

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 22/06/2016 20:48

He's lying then.

Nothing might have happened yet, but the lying isn't a good sign.

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 20:51

Exactly...

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 22/06/2016 20:53

If you still have access you can go onto his profile page and select activity log. You might hAve to select a box that says " show all" or something similar and it brings up everything he has looked at/searched for.

LazyJournalistsQuoteMN · 22/06/2016 20:55

Could she have friended another one of your dh's friends on fb and he is just adding her too? I'd be worried about the lying, if there is nothing to hide, why is he lying?

Whisky2014 · 22/06/2016 20:55

And if you click on the notification button again it will still show "xxx accepted your friend request" if that's what actually happened...

facebookrecruit · 22/06/2016 20:58

Sorry to sound harsh but he shagged her or is planning to - by the sounds of these photos probably the former Sad

pennygoodlife · 22/06/2016 21:04

Just be careful,keep your cool and think it through

LaConnerie · 22/06/2016 21:24

op how exactly was she draped on him in the pics? Was it just an arm around a shoulder or was she on his lap or something? Did u ask him about the pics?

OnionKnight · 22/06/2016 21:30

Maybe he's worried that you'll react negatively if he tells you that he sent her the friend request, you have snooped on him after all.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 22/06/2016 21:33

you can also click on the facebook search box and all the recent searches will come up

unless he is wise to that and has cleared them.

WhimsicalWinnifred · 22/06/2016 21:34

I wouldn't necessarily worry too much about what could only be a white lie. Easier said than done and of course it is a red flag but we often make little white lies or don't mention situations where we are innocent because it may look like we are not simply by mentioning it or there is no reason to mention it. I hope I'm making sense but think of the film obsessed. I only rememberbeyonce but the blonde lady comes on to beyonce husband. He says no and doesn't mention it. There is no need and he was innocent. The situation grows and it turns out he should have told her. I had a work friend who's frI end request I accepted. He started messaging me. I didn't tell dp as no need. He started messaging me a lot and dp asked who I was messaging. He started getting concerned. The messages turned as this guy got weird and I didn't tell dp as o didn't want him to think I was doing anything wrong. I blocked him and he started causing hassle at work. It was hard to tell dp the situation without being concerned that he would misunderstand and think I was an active party in this guy's weird messages.

So if I was you, I'd be calm and check his fb again tomorrow or in a few days and see that he hadn't changed his password, deleted her or messaged her.

HermioneJeanGranger · 22/06/2016 21:51

Maybe he forgot who'd added who? I have lots of friends on Facebook and I wouldn't be able to tell you whether I'd added them or the other way around.

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 21:58

Think I will just see what happens over rhe next few days. I couldnt say I had seen photos as he would know I had been on. So many times on Mumsnet Ive read how DH's get on the defence, turn stuff around and make out we are the parinoid ones then when it all comes out turns out our gut instincts were right. I need to stay calm and see what's what on a few days otherwise Im going to make myself ill...I havent eaten properly today because of the knot inside me.

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 22/06/2016 21:58

If I had added someone in the last few days I would remember who added who.

But more importantly, his story about her adding him in order to make contact with his mate doesn't make any sense if he added her.

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 22:01

It was last night she was friend requested no even his memories that bad!!!! Also the draping looked like drunken silly photos probably the ones you'd expect to see with a group of friends on a drunken night out not with someone youve just met. Will see if anything more comes to light then will decide what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 22:10

Just thought of something else...no cool wives Im not drip feeding before you shoot me down lol...they became friends at 6.00am today do this shows the person who accepted did it at this time so he has sort of dropped himself in it

OP posts:
clam · 22/06/2016 22:12

fastdaytears makes a good point. He has said quite plainly that she requested him, in order to make contact with his mate. You know for a fact that he requested her, which means she wasn't looking for his mate.
Why would he try to deflect like this?

WhimsicalWinnifred · 22/06/2016 22:13

It could be that beer in them made them extra friendly so pictures look like they have known each other for years. It could b be that she is extra friendly and sat on his lap just as picture was taken. It could be anything. You are right to stay calm and see how it pans out. If a girl was sitting on dps lap I'd be concerned. Odd that his excuse straight away was that it was so she cou l d get in contact with his mate. Diverts attention from him. Could easily be as he says but as easily it could be the opposite.

Please do eat. Don't worry until you know you have to worry x

clam · 22/06/2016 22:14

Where was he at 6.00am today? In bed (with you) asleep? If so, he can't have been on FB, presumably.

But you know already that she didn't ask him.

Sallystyle · 22/06/2016 22:25

If you aren't a 'cool wife' you are insecure, and have a shitty marriage and you are controlling ;)

People have different boundaries and what is normal in one relationship isn't in another.

It would be so out of character for DH to add someone on FB he just met, especially a woman who is 'draped' over him so yes, I would be bloody worried, especially if he didn't tell me he met a new friend. He is not at all social, he would have to really really like someone to go to the effort of friending them on FB which he checks once in a blue moon for a few seconds.

I added a new male friend on FB not so long ago, I told my husband about him and it isn't so out of character for me so he had no reason to worry.

OP, it doesn't sound great with the lying, I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it all.

BiscuitMillionaire · 22/06/2016 22:31

LaBelleOtero Wed 22-Jun-16 14:53:46
Two pillars of Mumsnet.

The first being the many threads every single week of women finding out their DH has cheated, the women who are struggling to salvage their marriages to cheaters, and the women who have been approached by friends husbands and married colleagues.

And this is the second. Oh, your poor husband isn't even allowed to make a female FRIEND? I hope he divorces you!!!

THIS /\ /\ /\ x 1000.

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 22:42

Biscuit thank you for your input means alot

OP posts:
happypoobum · 22/06/2016 22:43

He's a liar. I would be asking myself what else he was lying about.

Agree with PP to trust your gut OP. Just ignore the women who are happy for their husbands to date/cuddle/fondle/"drape" other women. Their lives their choice, absolutely. But this is about your life and your choices.

fastdaytears · 22/06/2016 22:49

I think you're right to give it a few days to see what comes out. Would be interesting if his FB password changes suddenly.

But in the meantime you really do need to eat and look after yourself Chocolate Wine

MagicMojito · 22/06/2016 23:37

Don't tell him you snooped (you definetly DID by the way) If you tell him then hell make sure he deletes anything he doesn't want you to see. If he's unaware your looking however....

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