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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to wonder why DH has sent a friend request to what looks like a woman he and his friends met on a recent jolly?

162 replies

1million · 22/06/2016 12:00

Saw it on his FB page as it came up XX and XX are now friends and looks like he friend requested her.... so after doing some research looks like her and her friend who on hols the same time as DH and his friends. So what to do...

OP posts:
Sparklesilverglitter · 22/06/2016 15:08

A photo or two of my DH on a night out wouldn't worry me unless very sexual photos.
My DH adding a woman on Facebook wouldn't worry me either tbh, I add men often that I meet at work and I have a couple I met when out with friends there group joined ours and my DH couldn't be the slightest bit bothered.
I also wouldn't be nosey/snoop on my DH because I'd be bloody annoyed if he was doing the same to me.

Maybe that makes me a cool wife, but if you don't trust your partner what have you got

snorepatrol · 22/06/2016 15:23

OP I'll probably be flamed for saying this but you've already done the initial snooping now and as I see it you can't really question him without admitting to this, and once you do he'll just change passwords and remember to log out in future so in your shoes I'd probably check out the situation more at this point by looking at messages etc

I think the fact he's secretive by nature probably causes a lot on insecurity for you but it doesn't necessarily mean it's a dodgy situation.

I couldn't be in a relationship with a naturally secretive person I couldn't handle it, but that's just me I literally have no secrets I tell everyone everything.

The fact he's gotten friendly with her on holiday without mentioning it to you, and added her and she has photos of them both of them on her account that make you uncomfortable makes me think that YANBU to be worried because you are entitled to whatever feeling you damn well want BUT it could all be innocent.

You don't know if his friends were egging him on for the photos or
If she's just a touchy feely person

For those saying you're BU to be upset I don't agree. Your husband knows you, presumably you're the same person he met fell in love with and got married to and you haven't had a sudden personality transplant. So surely in the process of that he has established what you are comfortable with in the relationship and what you don't like so if he genuinely believe that these photos would be enough to hurt your feelings then innocent or not he should have been a bit more respectful of you.

There are boundaries in every relationship some women might be happy for their husband to film themselves dry humping another woman in some relationships a woman draping herself over someone would be too much.,

I wouldnt like to see a photo of a woman draping herself over my dh likewise I'm sure he would not appreciate a picture of me draped over another man. That might not be a big deal to some people but personally I would expect my husband to know where the line is with me as he chose to marry me warts and all with this line in place.

bluelady7 · 22/06/2016 15:57

Totally agree with everything Snorepatrol said. Check it out, if you find nothing dodgy then brilliant all round, if you do find something, well then you will know.

FlyingElbows · 22/06/2016 16:00

Stopfuckingshoutingatme, it's not luck or smugness, it's a fact. If you are snooping and asking random people on the internet to make decisions about your relationship rather than just talking to your partner then you have a problem of some variety. Relationships are built on communication and trust and without those you are screwed. My relationship isn't luck, it's hard fucking work, commitment, trust, mutual respect and communication. That's why I don't give a fuck who he adds on frigging Facebook.

Discobabe · 22/06/2016 16:03

Sometimes you need an objective opinion on something. You can't get that IN your relationship

AnecdotalEvidence · 22/06/2016 16:05

Snooping = investigate or look around furtively in an attempt to find out something
So by your own definition, that's exactly what you did!
If this is a tablet that you both use and he was having an affair, I doubt that he would have left his account logged in or added her in the first place.
Why is the fact that she is pretty even relevant?
You have to ask him about it because you clearly don't trust him.

Piemernator · 22/06/2016 16:08

I think it's the secretive thing that's an issue. I have a lot of male friends due to working in a male dominated environment for a while where there was approx 10 women to every 100 men and also because I'm in to gaming.

I message, mainly about gaming but have become really good mates with 5 of them. With these 5 I share photos and stuff with but my DH knows. That's the difference.

I have no idea if I would be a cool wife though I love DH I would be more angry than upset if he ever played away.

bluelady7 · 22/06/2016 16:09

"If this is a tablet that you both use and he was having an affair, I doubt that he would have left his account logged in or added her in the first place."

He wouldn't be that stupid? Oh believe me, they can be!

MargaretCavendish · 22/06/2016 16:18

Oh good, the 'cool wife' comments have begun. Because obviously no one can actually have a trusting relationship: it's all a man ensnaring trap.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/06/2016 16:30

FlyingElbows

then you are honestly very lucky. and good for the famille elbows and may it stay this good.

I guess its always good to have empathy as not everyone is so lucky, and sometimes you want to test something and its way easier to do it anonymously on here than to ask people in RL (and then have them start to dislike your DP, or have a negative opinion that might colour interactions in the future). I for one cant blame OP for being a bit suss

Runningupthathill82 · 22/06/2016 16:44

I fucking hate the phrase "cool wife." It's a way of putting other women down. Nobody would use the phrase "cool husband" as a pejorative term, would they? No.

But if women are genuinely fine with their husbands having female friends, and trust them, then they're obviously just pretending to be "cool" to keep their men happy. It's sickening.

Anyway, back to the OP. I wouldn't be worried about the facebook add. My DH regularly makes friends on Facebook with women he met through running/work/conferences, whatever. Its fine.

As for the "draped" in the photo - group shot with several people having their arms around each other, fine. A photo of my DH with a woman on his knee and nobody else in shot, though, would encourage me to ask him straight out who she was.

LaConnerie · 22/06/2016 16:45

As I said, it's not the friending I would mind, it's the 'draping'... Although we don't know what that means, exactly....

loobyloo1234 · 22/06/2016 16:52

Just ask your husband OP. Jeez, this forum can be so tedious at times it was most definitely snooping

The friend request - not a red flag. The photos - possible red flag. It's that simple surely?

Goldenhandshake · 22/06/2016 16:54

A photo of my DH with a woman on his knee and nobody else in shot, though, would encourage me to ask him straight out who she was

It would encourage me to serve his balls on a platter Grin

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 20:08

Quite matter of factly asked DH who the girl was on his FB today...the new friend. He said they'd all met some girls who took lots of photos and she had friend requested him becuase she wanted to get in touch with one of the lads who she was quite friendly with. I said Oh so she sent you a friend request then and he said yes. I said oh so why didnt she contact yr friend direct and he said dont know...there's nothing in it just as Ive said.

OP posts:
Letmehaveausername · 22/06/2016 20:12

I thought you'd said he'd sent her a friend request? Or have I read wrong? If I have I apologise.

Glad there's nothing in it though, hope you're feeling a bit better

coco1810 · 22/06/2016 20:22

1million you're a classier lady than I because I would not have been so non committal about the whole thing. I would have been on the war path.... And then some!

TheObserverOne · 22/06/2016 20:37

But you said his Facebook notification was "xxxx accepted your friend request"

So he's lying either way.

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 20:39

Youre right he DID friend request her I saw it...I asked him twice maybe 3 times so she friend requested you then and he said yes so that was a lie why he lied I dont know. I also dont know this friend who she wants to get in touch with. One think Ive learnt from my time on Mumsnet is go with yr gut.

OP posts:
clam · 22/06/2016 20:42

You absolutely did say that he had requested her.

12.22 today: He def friend requested as it came up XX has accept your friend request.

So, he's lying.

clam · 22/06/2016 20:42

Sorry, x-posted there.

Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 20:43

Btw it was DH who said ... there's nothing in it meaning the girl friend requesting him

OP posts:
Original poster
1million · 22/06/2016 20:46

Im going to sit back and see what happens if anything. I know him and he will be ringing me every 5 mins and going out of his way if something is not quite right

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 22/06/2016 20:46

The lying is way worse than the draping Sad

DoreenLethal · 22/06/2016 20:47

So why is she draped over him then?