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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
Sophia1984 · 25/06/2016 14:41

My post wasn't to you originalmavis. It was to the people excusing rudeness by saying the person asking was 'just curious'.

originalmavis · 25/06/2016 16:35

Oh I think they are nosey but I am too, to be honest. I suppose it's how they ask.

I actually grew up with people asking me where I'm from. Odd accent due to parentage but asking a red haired fair skinned kid in scotland where she is really from takes the tunnocks tea cake!

FeeLock · 25/06/2016 20:51

No, YANBU, either to be annoyed or to decline to go into your family history. The various equalities and anti-discrimination Acts were designed to remove such questions from official documentation (other than for the purposes of services being accessible to all).

I suggest you continue with answering that you're from Stockport. Unless you happen to be having a conversation with a friend about backgrounds, you are entitled to keep such information private.

As far as your feelings of irritation or worry about how you will come across are concerned, think about how you would like to have someone else respond to your question about the same thing (nicely diverting, assertively dismissive, etc) and find a phrase that covers it. Along with a retreating back!

WaitrosePigeon · 25/06/2016 20:57

'Where are you from?'

'I was born in Stockport'

Done..

Hygellig · 25/06/2016 21:15

I had a parcel delivered recently and the delivery man asked me where I was from given it was addressed to a foreign-sounding name. I replied "England". Perhaps I was being pedantic but it slightly annoyed me that he didn't ask where the name was from.

I would never ask someone where they were "really from". That sounds rude to me. Maybe if I got to know them better I'd ask about their family background. I used to get asked if I spoke Polish because I had a Polish-sounding name (it was my grandfather who came from Poland). I also used to feel that for all anyone knew, I could have had a fascinating family history on my mum's side, but that was never asked about.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 25/06/2016 22:11

Interestingly, I was having a chat with the guy at the gym (who was black but had an english accent) about how I'd put on a shit ton of weight on my honeymoon. He asked where I'd gone. I said Jamaica. He started talking about the food, did I like it, had I tried the this and the that?

At this point I was thinking it was likely he was of Jamaican heritage, but I still didn't ask him. To me he was British. I assumed he was local as he spoke in the local accent and was clearly living and working in the area.

We did have an interesting conversation about the merits of the local carribean takeaways though

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 26/06/2016 22:14

If you insist that it's only polite to wait yo get to know someone before asking the question where are you -really- from? Then it makes the topic a bit taboo and sensitive, why? I work with 1000 teenagers, they ask me and each other all the time with no negative agenda at all. Just answer and learn to stear conversation your way
Only 3% of the population of UK is black mixed race Asian, so if you are a bit brown dark eyed you get asked, why be funny about it?
Save your sassy answers and vitriol for those that genuinely deserve it.
I still think it's REALLY sad that some on here are insisting that those who ask are a little bit racist. I'd much rather be asked where I'm from that what I do as that reveals income and education. Please take the lead from our youth and chill... Eat chips don't wear them xxx

MarklahMarklah · 26/06/2016 22:18

But if you're born in X country and have lived there all your life, that is where you are REALLY from, Nofunking.

Heritage or ancestry is one thing, place of birth is another. Personally I don't find people's heritage influence whether I'll speak to them or not. I don't ask personal questions. If people want to tell me things then they can, in their own time, of their own volition.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 26/06/2016 22:30

mark my point is just say that then , I'm really from x blah blah granny from Iran but identify as totally British with no angst
I have a sperm donor baby people ask all the time , who gave birth etc etc totally cool with answering all questions no angst at all, only if I had a problem with my child's ( mixed Native American Sephardic Jew non daddy status) would I balk at the qestion. I get it , not everyone is as open as me. Not one single person who has asked me a personal question gave me bad vibes ( quite a bit from both sides of my family thou)

kawliga · 27/06/2016 03:45

There's a difference between privacy and shame. Just because you want to keep your genetic history or your grandparents' birthplace private has nothing to do with treating it as taboo. Being private is not 'being funny', how ridiculous.

A good example: some people don't like to talk while they're in the loo, they go in there and they want to feel private while they do their business; other people will go into the loo and just happily keep talking yikes. Privacy is a personal thing and it is not 'being funny' to set your privacy lines differently from someone else.

Sperm donors: I would not assume that someone wanted to talk about that, unless they brought it up. Same with adoption. Nothing to do with shame. Everything to do with personal boundaries and levels of comfort.

Sad that people find it so hard to respect others. It's like if you want to talk about it you feel that everybody should be happy talking about it, and you just can't fathom how anyone would prefer to keep it to themselves.

originalmavis · 27/06/2016 08:22

Although I have friends and colleagues whose origins are in the Caribbean (born here) and they do in the main say 'I'm from Jamaica'.

Maybe its pride or maybe they are just circumnavigating the follow up question from the answer 'I'm from Stretham'.

brodchengretchen · 27/06/2016 08:48

(Nosey) people who don't know me get exercised by trying to work out where I'm from, whatever they think they mean by that, and often ask me or 'what's your background?' or try to guess. Years ago I felt I was being judged by this process and never liked it. Nowadays I just say 'oh, not far' and it closes the topic quite well, after all I am from not far, I'm right here.

YANBU, but let them deal with it, you don't have to justify yourself, you are who you are.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/06/2016 18:31

kwaluga good points and I totally accept that other people have different privacy settings. What has got my goat by The o.p is that she repeatedly insists that people who ask "where are you from" are racist or at best a bit subconsciously racist. And I do think a few other posters could do with being a bit more relaxed and not assuming bad vibes when asked. Even if people ask again when they get told " stockport" they are more than likely trying to be clear than rude and intrusive....I have a question, what small talk do you guys who dont like being asked about your heritage make with people when you first meet? I personally try to avoid " what do you do" , genuine question ...

MarklahMarklah · 27/06/2016 18:35

I don't like smalltalk but if I am forced to make it then I'll talk about the weather, the place I'm at, perhaps the food at the place I'm at. I might compliment the person on their hair, shoes, bag, coat or something like that - or may ask if they'd mind telling me where they got it.

I repeat, if you ask someone "where are you from?" and they tell you, it IS rude to say "No, where are you REALLY from?". I believe someone cited a very good example upthread where they used the same question format in other situations -
What job do you REALLY do
How many children do you REALLY have
Are you REALLY married

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 27/06/2016 18:57

Nofunking, it's only racist if it is asked of brown/black skinned people more than white. Not intentional, BNP type racism, but treating someone differently because of their skin colour, albeit entirely unintentional.

How many white people would get asked again 'no really' when they said where they were from.

When are you going to understand that just because someone doesn't mean to be racist it doesn't mean that they're not.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 27/06/2016 19:09

Most people don't mind being asked where they are from.

People get offended over all sorts these days.

Sophia1984 · 27/06/2016 20:28

If you're not going to be offended, can I ask what colour skin you have QuiteLikely?

mumsywumsy123 · 27/06/2016 20:32

I'm in a similar situation except my dad is white English and mum black caribbean. I've never been to my mums country and my dad raised us all 'British' through and through so I've never really thought about it. On top of that I've turned out looking an entirely different race to either of them haha. People including those from the country I look like I'm from assume I'm a certain race not related to what I am constantly so tbh I am more than happy to explain my mixed genes whenever anyone asks as I don't like it when they incorrectly assume I quite like talking about it though and have never had any big problems.

originalmavis · 27/06/2016 21:03

Actually, thinking about this my dad did used to get asked where he was really from, or rather it would go...

Where are you from?
Scotland
But where.....
Aberdeen
Oh. You're quite...dark for a scot aren't you? I mean black hair and the skin...
Nope, Aberdeen with a bit of Fife, some Glaswegian
But there must be something... maybe way back? A sailor maybe (dunno why it was always a sailor).

Yes he did have black hair and tanned very dark and fast in the sun, so there was the assumption that there was a bit of "something' there. My sister did a family tree and sadly there isn't anything exotic so it remains a genetic mystery.

When my grandparents moved to Glasgow (1950s) they would be asked 'are you one if us, or one of them?'. They always said 'oh one if us' as they had no idea what it meant.

People always assumed grandpa was Jewish and would ask him.

Folks are nosey. Everywhere. DH has been berated in several European countries for being rude and not speaking 'their' language when addressed (he gets mistaken for a local by locals).

I don't get it as a red haired, green eyed scot but as my dad was as described above and my mum a blue eyed blonde, we got entry of queries regarding my parentage (and comments about the milkman hahaha). Now that is fucking rude - calling my straight laced mum an adulteress? Hmmmmm.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/06/2016 22:13

When are you going to understand that just because someone doesn't mean to be racist it doesn't mean that they're not.

Maggie

And when are you going to get it that not everyone who asks is racist? I'm also not sure how you can be racist if you don't mean to be ?? If there is no ill will, there is no ill will?? I totally accept that if you push it with a "really" that could come across wrong but
Of course you are going to ask a brown / black person more than a white person because A black brown person ( of which there are only 3.4% in this whole country) are more likely to be from somewhere else !!
I have asked every non white person I know in real life what they genuinely think if this debate, non took offence at being asked their heritage, one miss took it I was asking him about how long his commute was , with out being offensive Maggie I think it's a generational thing, most people I asked said their parents or grandparents would take the questioning less well because of their experiences, really glad my kids are growing up in a world where they will be cool with being asked and will just have a chat xx

MarklahMarklah · 27/06/2016 22:21

Nofunking you've said
I totally accept that if you push it with a "really" that could come across wrong
That's what Maggie was talking about.

As for your of course you are going to ask a brown/black person... no,I am not.

I have friends of many shades, I do not start out by asking them "Where are you from? No REALLY?"

FWIW, where I live, it's a fairly 'closed' community, with the majority of people who are, for want of a more tactful way of putting it, white. DD is friends with someone who is, for want of a more tactful way of putting it, brown. She met the friend at a local community centre. Being 4 at the time, she did not go charging up and say "Oi, you. Where are you from? I mean REALLY?" she said "I like your hair, it is so big and bouncy. It is like X's" (X being a family friend).

originalmavis · 27/06/2016 22:22

So when the ME woman quizzed me about DSs heritage, or the Italian mum at school assumes he is half italian ('of course his dad's italian... I've seen him') I ought to take offence?

No, when people tell us to 'go home', then I will take offence. Actually, I did take offence when a guy told me to do this during the Scottish referendum after quizzing me about my origins and politics. Cheeky git.

Boysdontcry · 27/06/2016 23:06

So what if you had a blonde Caucasian lady that had lived her whole life in Mumbai, was born there. Bet you she would be asked several times a week where she was REALLY from.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 27/06/2016 23:52

of course discrimination does not have to be intentional to be discrimination! have you ever heard of the equality act?

OP posts:
Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 27/06/2016 23:53

boys don't cry, you've not really said anything to oppose my argument. that would be equally wrong for Mumbai woman

OP posts: