AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

cannot "And back? How do I go back to somewhere ive never been??"

that is one of my pet hates, I always call them out on it.

cannot

That is what my husbands relative did to the waiter in my post upthread.

I've never wanted to stab someone in the thigh with a fork as I did her in that moment. She was very offended about me cutting her off, bluntly.

Also my daughter is quite pale, but has got very curly hair. So where does she get her hair from is another question we regularly get asked. Also usually asked whilst touching her hair. (but thats a whole other thread, of people touching afros that so many love to do)
Im thinking from me and DH but what you want to know is about her great-grandparents on one side of a very big family.

I've no clue how to answer "that" question. I was born in Iran to Yorkshire parents and have lived in Iran, Nigeria, The Netherlands, Qatar, Yorkshire and Now Sussex. I just see it as a conversation starter and do ask people it's more for me anyway have I been on holiday or lived there do we have any shared memories than shoving someone in a box or labelling them as an other.

I get this and it is annoying if people want to know just say heritage not where are you really from its rude I'm from London so are both my parents born and bred

ToomuchMNtime I've tried to call people out on it, and find i get the but im just curious - it must be nice to be a bit exotic or something along those lines. I just want to be me, not exotic or different. I appreciate my colour in the sense i like that i tan easy. I love all my family for who they are. Not whether they're black, white or mixed (ive got them all) although that leads to more confusion when people can't quite wrap their heads around how you have white cousins. 'so how does that work then' i have honestly been asked this a number of times.

oh cannot, I feel your pain

I've found that saying "actually I've never been, so going back would be impossible" usually sets them off down the track of "why haven't you been" so I'm not saying it's effective - but it does make a total plum of those who've already been informed I've never been. If they follow that up with "but don't you want to go back?" then raising the "back" - along with a faintly disgusted raising of an eyebrow - does make them realise how stupid they are being, even if just over the use of the word.

it's no use having comebacks though really - I just want to live in a world where people don't ask these questions. I used to love going to NY because all they did was tell me how much they loved the British accent, no one there ever asked about heritage.

I have noticed that there's a trend to be fascinated by ancestry, not sure what that's about. I can't imagine feeling that something that happened 200 years ago has much to do with me, unless it involves inheriting a title or something!

ToomuchMNtime yes i have also had that response to - why haven't i been? Because all my family is here and i barely get enough time to see them let alone explore another country to find more family or my 'roots'. Plus i dont like flying or travelling (outside the British Isles) so why should I go back?
At least that's what I think in my head.

cannot - me too and it's another thing that people think it's weird! I haven't been back to NY for about 6 years now because I hate flying so much, I used to be there loads for those rellies. I've had people saying "you can fly as far as New York, why can't you fly there"

...but travelling to NY vs travelling a country that operates FGM and where a woman can't walk around alone - quite why these people get such romantic ideas is beyond me, if my ancestors couldn't get out fast enough why would I bust a gut to visit? I know MN isn't a hive mind but I wonder if some of the self-admitted nosey ones here wring their hands over refugees but then don't realise why some people might not want to a visit a country that has a vague link with their parents...

sorry I'm ranting, that was therapeutic though!

Rant away, its what MN is good for. I had always meant to start this thread in the past myself, so it has been good to get this off my chest to.
I have also overheard racist conversations about people coming over, (in my waitressing days) then they turn and go not you dear whilst patting my hand. I take it they also meant because i speak English well.
Now i have a double-barrelled surname which is completely English sounding, maybe speak over the phone, then meet in person you can see the surprise, like wait i thought i was meeting someone white english.
I have to say i never minded the midwife asking such questions because she needed to know, so she could do the correct tests whilst i was pregnant.

Do you mind when health care professionals ask? It can be relevant. I try to phrase it as where is your family originally from? Is that OK?

Dont feel bad. I love asking peole their heritage just because i love travelling, culture and languages. I know you have never been to Iran etc etc, but I just like to try and guess peoples heritage and then see if im right! My DH is Latin American adn I am white so our DD is mixed, some people think she is Italian, Thai , Turkish, French - they never know because she looks exotic. Same with DH, people think he is Pakistani, Palestinian, Turkish, Mexican or some other random place! My best friend is Ethnically Cypriot and her father was born there and her mother born here, but she identifies as both British and Cypriot. She doesnt mind people asking her. I lived in Spain for a number of years and most people thought I was Romanian, Russian, German or Polish and I was always askwd where i was from, i didnt mind but i understand it can get annoying! Just take it that you look beautiful and exotic !

I'm always getting asked that question and it use to annoy me but now I've got so use to it I quite like the fact that I look different be it bad or good. My dad's mauritian mum's British. What I find intresting is the look on their face when I say Mauritius as most havnt got a clue where it is😁

Its a tricky one - coming from a London suburb I was happy to grow up in a cosmopolitan society, which was so multi cultural that one didnt really think about it. (Was that wrong??!!)
From a white English (as far as we know..) background I have never been subject to any form of racial prejudice myself - however I am aware that many of my friends from various non white English backgrounds have, so whilst I might be tempted to ask about someones cultural heritage I tend not to until we have some longer basis of friendship - where we have both shared personal information - as I understand that it can seem intrusive or be loaded with some negative connotation.

I suppose it really is a bit cheeky and impertinent to casually expect access to such personal information.! My advice is dont just consider your own curiousity however innocent or well intentioned - consider how it is going to sound / feel to the recipitant of your curiousity (nosiness)

Maggie and Antique I hear you. I'm white British but many of my friends are not. Some are not white, some are not British.

I worked with a South African woman years ago. She is darker skinned, of Indian heritage. I did not ever ask her "Where are you really from" when I interviewed her, which was the first time we met. I asked her where she was living and if the commute would be difficult. I could tell from her accent that she was originally from SA but this did not come up in conversation - she had been living and working in the UK for 10 years.

Another friend of mine gets this. Friend is white, husband is black. People ask them "How did you meet?" - at work. Some people follow this up with "Oh, you weren't on holiday then?" or ask him how he finds the weather. FWIW, he was born in the UK and raised here. Other members of his family were not. Again, not something that ever came up in our first conversations.

People may be curious about others' origins but you shouldn't be expected to pull out a family tree showing the geographic origins of your Gt-Gt Grandparents.

If someone asks "Where are you from?" then I would take it to mean the place you were living now, or, at a stretch, where you were born. To follow up with "No, really from..." suggests you are a liar.

Some years ago I worked in a multi-national company. My direct manager was Indian, had moved to the UK for a few years on a placement. In our team we had a young woman who was of Pakistani origin. Indian boss kept on making disparaging remarks about other woman that she wasn't "from here" or that "your lot" didn't know certain things. The woman of Pakistani origin had moved to South London at the age of 2 and was a great deal more tolerant (and less nosy) than the other woman, about whom she ended up making a complaint.

Should I be out with one of my brown or other non-white variant friends and someone asks them these questions I shall demand to be asked the same to see what happens.

I had a white South African assistant who was often asked where she was really from.

I don't see it as racist either, when meeting someone for the first time it's surely small talk. What do you do, where are you from?

What do you ask people when you first meet them?

I'm white but my DH isn't and he gets this a lot and it drives us mad. They ask where he's from and he'll say where in England he's from, then talk about it whilst they awkwardly stare at him. Then, "but where are you originally from?"

It's also annoying because his heritage is quite complicated and mixed so you have to explain it for five minutes when really what we wanted to say was "mind your own damn business". And it doesn't even usually stop there. It's followed up by "Do you speak [x]?" and if the answer is no, he gets "oh. Why not? You should learn it. You should be able to speak your family's languages." (btw his family speak a lot of languages between them) I don't really understand why people feel the need to say these things tbh!

I need to read threads more thoroughly, to follow up with where are you really/originally from is downright rude!

I worry about this with my (soon to be, due in 6 weeks)daughter, her dad is half Indian half white (born in this country, his dad was born in this country and he has absolutely nothing to do with that half of his family, hasn't seen his dad in years), but looks almost totally Indian in his appearance. Therefore she is most likely going to have a 'look' about her that will cause people to question her britishness, especially when she is with me because she won't have my light hair, blue eyes and very pale skin.

There is just no need to ask at all. Someone's heritage is personal information and you wouldn't ask someone who was white and 'british looking' (whatever that is) where they 'come from', so why ask anyone?

Someone could have roots from another country but look totally white/british, and we wouldn't ask about their background so soon after meeting them, so why is it different for another person just because they don't have white skin or a british accent.

Molzoo, don't assume you know which way the genetic lottery will fall. I get mistaken for Indian/Pakistani I have black hair, dark brown eyes and olive skin. My children on the other hand are mid brown hair, mid brown or hazel eyes and their skin is a lovely golden sort of shade, they never get asked where they are from.

A totally black person can have a very fair child and vice versa depending on the other parent of course, plus every shade inbetween.

Shame it is something we have to worry about for our children isn't it

I think people are probably really asking about your heritage and probably out of pure, and well-intended curiosity?

I am not English although I've totally adopted this country and am in a mixed culture marriage, so I am openly curious about people's cultural background.

I can see it might be annoying sometimes but maybe you're a also little touchy about it?

If course it's curiosity. Especially if you have a name that's a gobful or one that people can't quite place. Oh yes. Then they know where your name is from even if your family aren't really sure .

DS has only experienced racism the once. Some charming brats decided that he couldn't play on 'their' park because he was..... French. He told them they were spectacularly stupid, rather ignorant and if they'd like any further info to get their mum to ask me to explain it to her.

Gor the record I'm Scottish, dad is from the ME and he generally gets taken for Italian if anything (usually by Italians).

We're talking about a situation where OP has TOLD them where she is from, and they then say 'where are you REALLY from?' Even if someone is curious, their curiosity does not trump the person they're asking's right to privacy. How hard is that to understand?

Yes I do understand, with my family makeup it's hard not to.

For 'where are you really from' you do realise it's actually generally a shit way of saying 'You look like your family have originally come from elsewhere - explain'.

Some people do come across as rude.