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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:26

Other people with ethnic heritage can be just as bad! A pakistani taxi driver once said 'yeah right, doesn't look like that to me' when I stuck with the stockport answer!

OP posts:
grannytomine · 21/06/2016 22:27

My daughter gets this all the time, she finds it hilarious as she is a teacher and when teaching in a very multicultural school she would hear the children debating it. She would never give any hint and just said where she was born in England which apparently annoyed the hell out of the kids.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/06/2016 22:27

No YANBU in the slightest. DP gets this all the time because of his colouring (dark olive skin and thick black hair) when he goes in the sun he goes very dark brown and strangers (in shops/restaurants) often speak in exaggerated English to him on the assumption that he doesn't speak English. It's quite bizarre. People also assume he's a Muslim. He's had quite a lot of racial abuse recently from complete strangers.

It's like this video!

Personally I don't ask where anybody if from, even if they have an accent. If they bring it up and talk about it it's up to them.

SaltedCaramels · 21/06/2016 22:27

I get this as well and it really annoys me. A cab driver asked me the other day where I was from before I came here - it hit a nerve because this is my home (born in London and lived here most of my 49 years), yet I can be perceived as 'other'. But sometimes when people ask I don't mind - depends if you think they're genuinely interested in a positive way. I'd say, if in doubt, don't ask!!

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 21/06/2016 22:28

My partner is mixed heritage, he likes people asking him the question.. It's just people taking an interest and opening up a convo. It's actually the first thing I asked him when I saw his last name when we first met at work!

MarklahMarklah · 21/06/2016 22:28

I would never think to ask someone such a rude question! If it was the case that I was talking about family trees or something similar then I may ask once I got to know someone.

Mostly, like many things passed off as "making conversation" it's intrusive and unnecessary.

FWIW, I used to have a friend many years ago who was very tall, very wide, very black and very gay. I was on the bus with him one time and someone tutted and said "they should all go back where they came from" to which he replied, "Don't get your knickers in a twist love, I am going home. I live in Edmonton"

Notcontent · 21/06/2016 22:29

Btw, in my case it's my accent that prompts those sort of questions - it's a rather mixed accent and I always get questions about it. It drives me mad.

CuppaSarah · 21/06/2016 22:29

Thank you everyone else for the responses too. I don't say anything to people unless I know them and it comes up in conversation, but have had a friend be annoyed I hadn't asked, as her heritage was very important to her. So that got me thinking I could be approaching it wrong.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:34

CuppaSarah I would say your friend should have told you if it was important to them that you knew, not get annoyed at you for not asking!

OP posts:
YesterdayTomorrowToday · 21/06/2016 22:35

I have a very strong regional British accent in addition to my olive skin. On a couple of occasions when strangers have clearly found my answer to where I'm from unsatisfactory, they have moved onto asking me about my religion...it just feels these questions often don't come from a very good place....

TooMuchMNTime · 21/06/2016 22:35

To the people who say freely they are just nosey
I'm wondering what piece of information would satisfy your curiosity and why
I no longer upset myself with this but in the past I've had people wanting to ask because they think it's exotic and exciting

So I tell them the truth about what kinds of lives my grandparents had in their country of origin and they start to get upset almost, like they dream of other countries being utopia or something

I just wonder what the nosey ness is for if you get my drift.

Patapouf · 21/06/2016 22:35

I get this all the bloody time and I am 100% white British, with a bit of Irish somewhere centuries back. I have olive skin and dark hair and I am always pulled aside for "random" checks at airport security,
Not that it is worse because I don't have a mysterious ancestry but I sympathise OP.
It's fucking rude, and I don't understand the obsession with needing to know people's heritage. Especially when people then go on to interrogate me because they don't believe the answer I give and want a full family tree AND make jokes about my mother and the post man.

maddening · 21/06/2016 22:36

I'm white but my dad's family is foreign so I have an unusual surname which I get asked about all the time, your dad's roots are more interesting g than Stockport :) see it as a positive :)

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 21/06/2016 22:37

Yes it's rude when based only on your appearance, which tells people only that somebody in your family tree was not white ...

I live in Germany and spent half an hour speaking German to an Irish lady while we watched our DC's swimming lesson the other day because neither of us could quite bring ourselves to ask the other where they were from (we both thought the other was probably an English speaker she thought I might be Dutch, I thought she might be Italian for some reason - I am rubbish at knowing where somebody's accent is from when they are speaking German, except that it probably isn't local...). I have no idea why both of us felt it would be rude to point out we had noticed the other's foreignness and ask where the other was from, in order to grasp a rare chance to speak English to another native speaker, as Germans have no such hang ups about asking foreigners where they are from!

WidowWadman · 21/06/2016 22:38

I get it a lot - I guess due to my name and accent. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting but it feels intrusive, and I think I get asked the question more than I did 5 years ago.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:39

I used to get the surname thing too Maddening ('that's unusual, where's that surname from?') but I got married a couple of months ago and now have a nice, easy to spell English surname which is great! No more interrogation on the surname! And people can spell it first time too!

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 21/06/2016 22:39

I get the same with my surname. It's my name, not something for you to dine out on.

I tell them it's from Yorkshire...which is half true. Grin

SlightlyperturbedOwl · 21/06/2016 22:40

YANBU it's very rude and just nosey, not sure why people do this when they would surely feel that insisting on knowing some other piece of personal information that hasn't been 'offered' would not be acceptable. Also very daft as most of us have very mixed heritage anyway- Irish, Scottish and German and Icelandic in my case, at various points back through the generations, but no one insists on asking me because they can't see it. Mind you my aunt can bore people rigid by detailing it all at immense length, so maybe that's the answer? Perhaps go into minute detail about your mother's side, and their movements through the generations and not mention your dad Grin

Iflyaway · 21/06/2016 22:40

I would just say "Oh, I'm mixed" with Martian lol

Barack's mixed too, and so is DS.... (and I grew up in several countries). It really is no big deal - unless you let it define you.

I see it as people being interested in you as a person. We are one world anyway! And globalisation is creating more and more diversity, also in the new generations! Bring it on I say!

Don't let some people in some town in some country define you... you are unique!

lottiegarbanzo · 21/06/2016 22:43

I find this interesting from an opposite perspective. I'm a white, second-generation immigrant. Albeit various ancestors loiteted in the British Isles for some while, a century or three ago. I've never regarded myself as anything other than perfectly British (though have another nationality in addition) and nor has anyone else.

It took me until I was about 28 and an enlightening conversation with a taxi-driver, to recognise that 'immigrant' and me might have anything in common.

Not surprisingly, no-one ever asks where I'm 'really from' except in the 'that RP accent isn't local to here' sense.

As far as I can tell, this question is ALL about race and betrays the speaker's idea that non-white equals not truly British.

Of course, in reality, there are many non-white families with far longer-standing, continuous British heritage than I have.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:44

But I'm mixed is not the answer to the question Iflyaway

They asked me where I was FROM!

OP posts:
RosaRosaRose · 21/06/2016 22:44

Notcontent I used to get " No one would know you weren't a gypsy woman until you opened your mouth". Lived it, looked it (apparently) never sounded it (apparently). Fitted in tho, but was judged as an outsider by some.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 21/06/2016 22:45

Personally i would love to ask lots of people where they are from because it's interesting. I mean I don't because I know it is judged to be racist but my own personal motivation for wanting to know really isn't coming from a negative / prejudiced place.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:46

I don't see it as racist, although maybe it is. Just very very nosey!!!

OP posts:
GDarling · 21/06/2016 22:49

I have very light natural blond hair and bright blue eyes, people ask me where my parents originate from, I really don't take offence, it's just people chatting, I'm proud to tell them, they never say anything derogatory to me, they don't sneer or pull faces, I've never thought not to tell them.
A friend of mine used to get asked when she was having another baby, (she only could have one) it drove her mad, until I pointed out that it's just everyday curiousity, no offence intended.