AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

I think it's a naive and unconsciously racist question, so no - you are NOT being unreasonable. But don't hate the people, just educate them by saying basically what you said here!

I bet all the people saying they love to hear about people's heritage don't ask white people where their grandparents came from.

At least, I've never been asked (and I do have a very international background, but have red hair, fair skin and therefore am generally assumed to be English). I do think it's a racially motivated question, even if it isn't meant offensively. It's basically "explain why you're not white".

I also believe it is very slightly racist and unconcious. Racism, like any discrimination, doesn't have to be intentional. A lot of discrimination isn't intentional, and that can be the hardest to change as it's so insiduous. Think of patronising, chauvinistic men who have no malice or bad intention but can still be sexist by the way they treat women, for example.

to much I suppose what is grating me is the assumption that if a person asks about a persons heritage the asker is being negative.
I totally can see if someone doesnot have a positive relationship with the family member who made them a bit brown then being asked about said family member every time you meet someone new or go to social function could actually be seriously upsetting. " oh Iranian people are soooo wonderful ! friendly the food is lovely... I went to Turkey once beautiful...." Totally get the tedious and potentially upsetting nature of unwelcome probing
But I stand here as someone who ( used too😥) enquire about people's heritage and meant nought bad by it ... Sorry to the hundreds of people I've ittitated over the years

YA soooNBU

Drives me absolutely nuts. I even get it when I'm abroad on holiday!!

In Tenerife last year: Where you from?
Me: (very formal accent) England
Shopkeeper: No, where are you really from?
Now annoyed: The. United. Kingdom.
Shopkeeper: No really. Pinches his arm and gestures. Your parents, where from?
After internal annoyance wrestling. My father is from Barbados. My mother is half English, half Jamaican.

Why am I required to constantly do this? It is purely about skin colour. I know this because I have very fair, in fact practically 'white' mixed race cousins who do not get asked to 'verify' their national authenticity when we are out together. They just say 'from England' and it is not questioned.

I work a lot with the public and I get the same question from people, particularly tourists all the time. They are essentially saying my skin tone means I can never be authentically English despite being born, educated, married, given birth to children, working and living here - with grandparents and parents before me who have settled, become citizens, married, had children, worked and paid taxes here

Just for the record, mommy, I don't have a negative relationship with my dad and never said I did. He's a great dad! I just don't relate to being Iranian because my dad didn't live with me as a child, and he fully assmilated into english culture himself quite soon after moving here (for example he gave himself an english name to use in business)

You totally get it antique, maybe its only the other dark/different skinned people on here that really do.
It's the assumption that you can't really be British.
You're lucky you did not get the rest of the questions that can be asked
Have you ever been to X country?
Oh, why not?
Would you like to go?
and all the rest of it.

Especially for me as I have no relatives there now, they all moved to either London or the states.

tabsicle maggie It is making me genuinely REALLY ( hey I used that word !!! ) sad that you think an enquiery is insiduously unconsciously racist !!!!
For the record as an Irish ginger I totes -would ask- sorry would want to, but would now stop, myself from asking if you had Irish in you
Seriously ladies this thread is making me so sad that that is your first thought
Without bring offensive if you are older than 35 maybe experiences iof school bullying / workplace racism is making you pre- judge others innocent nosiness?

nofunking - I don't put you in the same category as someone shouting "fucking (insert racist word here)" no.

but at 40, I guess I'm lucky, that's not an experience I've had for 20 years or so. What I do experience is that kind of "othering" where someone can't just accept you as part of the crowd.

I do realise there is curiosity - and I am totally lacking in interest in anyone's heritage, biological sex, sexuality - but the mere curiosity makes me feel that person sees me as different. A pp put it well, it's like they want to check you are safe to talk to. I am not Muslim and sometimes I just say that, because I think they're possibly getting at that too.

I do understand seeking reassurance that people are the same as you but that's not a factor, to me. I was waiting for someone in a restaurant and the server got chatting to me - for ages, they'd had a house hunting crisis that day. When companion arrived, they said to me "Is that a man or a woman?" I didn't know and I didn't care. What on earth does it matter?

in fact - I won't turn this into a trans discussion but I can't help wondering - what is going on when it seems like there's a fair bit of acceptance, on MN, for respecting a trans person wanting to be whatever their chosen gender is - but some people still think "no, where are you REALLY from" is okay? Would they ask a trans person that they were unsure about "are you a man? you don't look like a man, did you used to be a woman by any chance?"

It's the unconcious assumption that I can't be 'from' my home town due to the colour of my skin that makes it very slightly racist.

No matter how genuinely interested you may be in me, and how good your intentions are , you just want to get to know me better, interested in different cultures etc.

You can have all that and still, despite your good intentions, have an unconscious assumption about me that is essentially believing that I can't come from my home town due to the colour of my skin.

I'm not for one minute saying anyone who asks the 'where really' question is intentionally racist, or doesn't have good intentions.

But just think about what it is you're really saying when you say 'no really' (ok not you personally if you wouldn't say that, but people in general who do)

PS I should also add I dislike nosiness generally so when you call it "innocent" to me it's a very unattractive trait.

I could just solve the "really" from now by going "yeah, and I voted for Brexit so FUCK OFF".

that would be very funny indeed

Asking if I was REALLY a man or woman would upset most people but not me as I'm non binary ! I'd be delighted! 😀
I would be curious and discuss it with my dinning companion no end though!!
And then I'd ask the chef where she was from and the waitress with the unidentifiable accent where he/she was from and really really not mean any offence what so ever

Nofunking - as binary I'd have thought you'd find it more annoying
as for the server - they were delightful, that was as much as I needed to know. I can't imagine endlessly discussing them over dinner!

Jesus this is like great free therapy...
I'm I giant walking nose!!
Oops is that ok to say?

But nofuckingworries, just because you didn't mean offence doesn't mean you wouldn't cause offence.

That's the thing you seem to be having difficultly getting if I may say so.

to much If you were confused by my sex I'd see it as a success, if you were unkind I'd see you as a knob
I'm interested in other people, I love reality TV totally relax to the kardashians. ( yes I know it's trash, that's why I like it) but I'm gonna Pre judge you and guess you hate that shite 😱😂
This really has been interesting And thought provoking chat will catch up with this tomorrow
Got to go , baby ( half Jewish sperm donor) is in pool of wee night night and genuine thanks all for giving me something to ponder other than potty training xxxx

maggie oh Maggie you lured me back in , dam you 😜
What you are not getting is that I think you are being a silly goose for being offended and seeing racism where there is ( often ) none
I work with teenageres and they ask each other all the time ( and me ) about heritage cos I work in such a multicultural centre , vast majority give and receive info with no beef man

Nofunking "If you were confused by my sex I'd see it as a success,"

sure, but what I'm saying is I might not know what biological sex a person is but I also don't really care, it has nothing to do with how I'd relate to them as a person.

and I feel the same should apply to skin colour and I'm sad it doesn't.

Oh Maggie I get the full regalia! Usually in said order:

Which area does your mother father come from in

So you ever been to/visited your home country (despite telling them the UK is my home country!) Barbados/Jamaica*? Why not?
But I/we have visited. It is so lovely. You should visit/go on holiday (I have just told you that I was born in the UK. Why do you assume that I have a particular need to visit the place my parents haven't been since they were 9 and 12 years old?)

Do you have a passport to go/dual citizenship? (I kid you not. Total strangers have asked me this)

The best one: Have you ever thought about going to live there?

Why don't you consider living there. The lifestyle is better etc etc.

Why? Just why? Fair enough once you get to know someone, you may get into asking some cultural and family history. I think that's a given and fine and dandy. But I've just met you, and despite me telling you outright at least twice where I'm from, it's not a good enough answer, you require a whole Ancestry.com profile? Just so that you know where to mentally 'place' me in your rather rigid world view?

i am reading something interesting about this on another site, and one of the reasons it can be irritating is because by asking the question, particularly the 'no really 'one, you are imposing an identity on to someone which isn't theres.

So in my case you may eventually badger me into saying my dad's Iranian, then to continue the convo you may talk about Iran/Iranian culture and it makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't identify with it.

Also it's a basic social skills thing - to listen to the person you are engaging in conversation and take a cue from them. If they don't seem easy to engage in a conversation on their heritage, maybe giving one word answers or repeating 'stockport' when you ask the second time, then they probably don't really want to talk about it and you should respect that.

Here's the link
www.quora.com/Is-it-racist-for-someone-to-ask-where-are-you-from-originally

And when I, and most others, ask where you are really from? / how come you're brown ? ( I'd still never say that !!) the answer would not affect how I relate to you it would just maybe give us a bit more conversation time
I am rethinking how I approach this social situation next time so to avoid any offense , can you maybe take less offence next time ? ... Seriously gotta go love. Peace and good nights sleep to all out there xxx

here's another useful article to show how annoying it is
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2010/mar/03/racist-question-brown-answer-curious

Antique - the answer as to 'why' is because they don't think you can be British because you have dark skin! That's essentially it. Stereotyping based on your skin colour.

It is racism, ignorance as racism, and I honestly believe most people do not intend to be racist and would be horrified if they were accused of being racist, it's saying 'you can't be british because you don't look british' and whilst it can be disguised as friendliness and taking an interest, the subconscious attitudes really come through.

I'm really glad my daughter doesn't look like me, she will pass as english and not get all this.

OP YANBU, at all.

So understand the point because I have this happen to me so much. I am mixed race (my dad is white, my mum black both born in uk). I currently reside in essex and my convo goes
So where are you from
Essex
But where are really from
Oh i grew up in Cambridgeshire
( can see person getting irritated)
But what about your parents
Oh my dad was born in London and my mums from near Newcastle
Oh but you must get your colour from somewhere
Then im like oh you mean - my mums black - her parents came over in the 60s from West indies
So have you ever been back?
No, my grandparents haven't either. (side note my grandad couldn't stand the heat)
Oh but you should go.

I always feel like theyve just disregarded half my family. All the white side isnt important is what you're implying just my black grandparents. And back? How do I go back to somewhere ive never been??
I try to give a reasonable response but some people push it.
Whats wrong with me just being from Cambridgeshire? Especially as my mum isn't at all west indian e.g she hates spicy food etc.