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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
Boiing · 23/06/2016 21:07

I agree with roundtable, it's the word "really" that makes it rude, it's basically saying your first answer was wrong.

I've had this a lot actually, I was born in London, so was my gran and her parents, but I apparently look Iranian / Greek / Italian / Spanish... (Perhaps I have some Roman ancestors!). But it is so annoying when I answer I'm from London and people laugh and say where are you from really. Why can't people be from London?!

Greensmurf1 · 23/06/2016 21:13

m.youtube.com/watch?v=crAv5ttax2I
It is definitely not just you Wink

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 21:31

Ha ha, that clip is great although her attempts at a cockney accent are laughable!

OP posts:
CattyMcCatface · 23/06/2016 21:38

Someone asked my husband that once and he replied 'my mummy's tummy' - that shut them up.

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 21:47

some of these responses are making me sad. They are highlighting "difference" when there is none - apart from skin colour which doesn't count.

Frenchboat · 23/06/2016 21:55

Don't get how this is offensive. At all. There is more to the world than Britain why shouldn't people show an interest? Why is it taboo?
There is is nothing superior about being British -so if you feel offended at being asked about your heritage, blood line and family tree maybe you need to wonder why identifying yourself as something as other than British is negative for you. I find this sad.
I'm fine with my Mixed heritage and keen to know more about my roots.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 21:56

As for being ashamed of my heritage, not at all. I just don't identify with Iranian culture.

Imagine being told as an adult by your mum that the person you thought your father was in fact not your father, but your real dad was from another country eg bulgaria.

Would you feel the need to tell people you were half bulgarian when asked where you were from?

would you feel the need to embrace bulgarian culture? and then discuss it with people you didn't know very well?

Genuine question!

OP posts:
AngharadTheSplendid · 23/06/2016 21:57

I think you're being a bit tetchy. I would never phrase it as ''where are you really from' but I often ask about someone's heritage, simply because I find it really interesting. (Probably because my own - English/English heritage is v dull). It's just a point of conversation like any other. E.g. I am brunette/brown eyes but my DD has white blonde hair/blue eyes and people will often ask me where she gets her colouring from. It's only an issue if you think it is one. I don't think anyone is intentionally trying to be rude by asking you.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 21:57

Frenchboat, are you saying I am something other than British? If so, why? I'm genuinely interested why you think I'm not British as it kind of illustrates the deep ingrained attitudes that this thread is all about.

OP posts:
TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 21:59

Maggie, excellent way of putting it.

French - it's the "really". Does that not make you feel any different? My whole life is here, my whole being is London, if you cut me open it's written through me like a stick of rock. For someone to say "no really" when I say "london" is like they're saying a) I'm wrong b) I'm not allowed to be Londoner and c) implies they think no black person could have decades of family history here.

Frenchboat · 23/06/2016 22:00

Well as it happens I very recently found out my great grand parents were from countries I had no idea about (used a family tree service) and I think it's great. I have been telling everyone.
I'm far more exotic than I thought! Next step is dna test as I do curious to know more

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:00

here's the mayor I was thinking of
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Archer_(British_politician)

Thank goodness wiki has the sense to call him a British politician.

Rainbow · 23/06/2016 22:01

I am a white Londoner living in Edinburgh. Aso soon as I open my mouth I get " you're not from round here are you?"
"Yes I live down the road"
"No I mean your accent. It's not Scottish!"
I do feel like saying really I didn't know that 😂

Frenchboat · 23/06/2016 22:03

What's wrong with saying I'm part British/ Russian/ Italian etc? Why does it have to be "fully British" as if anything else is something to ashamed of it?
I love it, the dc and I often try and work out what percentage of each nationality we are.
Embrace it its Fab!

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:05

At least with the accent thing, you were originally living elsewhere (London) so technically you are not 'from' Edinburgh (from = where you grew up IMH0)

I can see that it may get grating though

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/06/2016 22:06

Bloody hell !!! I'm genuinely shocked by how many people think it's rude to ask about someone's heritage and family!!! Whenever I've asked someone I think I'm showing an interest , sometimes just making / starting a conversation - you never know there may be common ground? Or just to learn a bit of geography / history. I certainly will think twice now , but I do think it's rude and awkward to say " I'm from Manchester, no really I am," or something else that others think is clever, I wouldn't walk away from that convo chastised and educated on etiquette, just hurt and think you were up yourself and unfriendly.

AngharadTheSplendid · 23/06/2016 22:06

Also I have travelled lots so I always wonder if I have been to the place someone is from so we can have a chat about it, because I find that fun. As an aside all the women I've met with Iranian heritage have been absolutely gorgeous, so maybe that's why you get a bit of attention!

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:07

French, I don't much care about the racial "parts". how far back do you want to go? I am quite fair so maybe there is some white British further along the line. I don't know, I don't care. It isn't about which race because...I don't know! I don't care! All I know is, I was born here, I was raised here, it's defined the person I am. I might be able to do the Knowledge!!

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:08

So Frenchboat, if someone asks you where your from and you say (english town), they don't then say 'no really' or 'no orignally' do they?

Presumably because you are white so look like what an english person is supposed to.

If they did what would you say? Would you say the country your great grandparents were from?

OP posts:
TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:09

nofunking "but I do think it's rude and awkward to say " I'm from Manchester, no really I am," or something else that others think is clever"

but someone who is from Manchester has to say they are from Manchester if they were born and raised there...otherwise they are just lying.

mommyisbest · 23/06/2016 22:09

I get asked where I'm really from all the time. People can't place me. Their guesses vary from Spanish to Iranian. I don't see it as a problem. It's a slightly clumsy way of saying 'what's your ethnic origin'. Would you be more comfortable with that? So long as people are asking without malice and just out of interest I don't consider it to be rude.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:11

Nofuckingworries if you got to know me either in a social or business context, I would not mind you asking me 'what's your heritage'

But if you said where am I from and I say stockport, and you said no really - can you see why that might annoy me? Because you are telling me I can't be from stockport due to the colour of my skin.

From = where I grew up.

Being related to someone foreign is not the same as being foreign!
Why can nobody see that?

OP posts:
Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:14

Mommy, I wouldn't mind that question after you've got to know me first... straight away it would wind me up a little probably because it's a little nosy.

Absolutely no problem after we've made friends though.

OP posts:
TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:15

mommy "'what's your ethnic origin'. Would you be more comfortable with that?"

yes and no - on the one hand it's honest, on the other hand I want to know why they care.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/06/2016 22:18

tomuchmntime . You missed my point I think it rude to make a " clever" avoiding the REAL question type answer . My point is Why not just say mum from mancester dad originally from Iran. avoiding the question, to me, would seem bit weird and unnecessary. I can see why it could be tedious answer every social situation but that isn't o.p point .
Yes ( answering o.p's genuine question to French boat) if I found out my real dad was Bulgarian I. Would tell everyone and want to find out more
Nought do queer as folk eh ?