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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:23

If I'm avoiding the REAL question, why doesn't the questioner ask the REAL question?

If saying Stockport is the wrong answer, they are clearly not asking the right question.

Which is not 'where are you from' but 'why are you dark skinned'?

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Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:24

Would you identify as being bulgarian though nofuckingworries?

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babyblackbird · 23/06/2016 22:25

Haven't RTWT but I am also half Iranian ( dad Iranian mum British) and I went out to Iran when I was 6 weeks old until the age of 7 when we escaped the revolution.

I look far more like my dad than my Mum but I must admit I haven't experienced this but have never considered myself " British Iranian" but just British. I have married a man with a very British name which I will admit I breathed a sigh of relief about because I used to have to spell my Iranian first name and surname but now just first name.

Sorry not terribly helpful re your original post but just wanted to reach out as having something in common .Flowers

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:28

Thanks Blackbird. I traded my Iranian surname for an english one a few months ago when I got married, it was more because it was so hard to spell that I breathed a sigh of relief. If my husband had had a more complicated name spelling wise I may have kept it!

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Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/06/2016 22:29

And why is that so terrible?? I personally have never phrased it like that and never will, but I am genuinely at a loss to understand why asking where you/ your family are from is so angst making ??
I totally understand how it must be dull to answer every social situation
But it's slightly better opener than the weather or Brexit ? I would love to have a dash of exotic in me to talk about

Will defiantly think twice before ever asking again, isn't that a bit sad 😥?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/06/2016 22:32

maggie. I'm not sure i would identify as Bulgarian but I'd have no problem telling people " well achaually just found out my real dad is Bulgarian do that's proably where get my colouring from "

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:33

No fucking worries, it is terrible because it implies I cannot be really from Stockport. Therefore I can't really be english.

It's the assumption that because someone related to me is foreign I am also therefore a foreigner.

Because they have asked me where I am from. Not my dad, or three generations back , but ME.

So to say 'no really where from' is really invalidating, as it assumes I am not allowed to be from this country when I have lived here all my life and identify as british/english.

Can you really not see how that could be a little offensive?

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StrangeLookingParasite · 23/06/2016 22:33

I always remember a conversation I had while on a temp job. A fellow temp asked me all these stupid questions, did the dramatics about me not knowing anything, then I said to her "why would I be so excited to research this, there's FGM issues, my grandma had gazillions of children, not out of choice, no one chooses to be endlessly pregnant from 14" etc she went silent, then said "there are so many great things about your country". I said again "It's not my country, but fire away, what's great" - she had visited and the people in her hotel were friendly, big whup.

Jeebus cripes, the stupid, it burns.

I dunno, I generally like to hear people's stories, regardless of the background. I believe really strongly that the fabric of society is made from all of our stories.
But conversely, some people simply aren't attached to their genetic heritage; it's not their thing. They shouldn't have people insist they discuss it.

mommyisbest · 23/06/2016 22:38

I care about where people I am speaking to are from because I find it genuinely interesting to know what people's cultural/geographical/ethnic origins are. We live in one of the most diverse places on the planet. That's something to celebrate and take an interest in.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:38

It's also bad because the 'no where are you really from' question is only asked to people who have different skin colour, if I had got my mums genes I wouldn't be asked it. So I'm not 'really' allowed to be from Stockport based on the genetic lottery of which genes I got at conception.

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Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:39

mommy do you ask everyone about their heritage? or only the brown/black people?

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Moogajoo · 23/06/2016 22:39

It's just so tedious. I have been asked this so many times it's ridiculous. Usually followed by "ok well where were you born?" and finally "well where are your parents from then?". Rapidly followed by how they may have holidayed in said destination or whether I might know one of their friends who is from there. Yeah, no, just no. Sigh...

mommyisbest · 23/06/2016 22:40

But that does not mean people should ever insist you answer a question - any question but esp personal ones- that you don't feel comfortable answering. But I don't think that's what the original post was about.

Pendu · 23/06/2016 22:41

Oh I get this - I am white British but my religion is physically obvious and associated with a particular country. If people ask me rudely I get peeved, but if they ask in a normal way I kind of save them the "embarrassment" of trying to get across their real question - I will say "oh im British but I'm a ... convert." Eveb being on the receiving end of this question, I would kind of ask the same thing if I met someone and was interested in their heritage - it's not rudeness (in my case) , just general interest. Some people have amazing colouring and I'm fascinated about all this kind of thing

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:41

nofunking, I'm delighted you'll think twice before asking.

and if you want to ask a different question, have the decency to ask it! Ask me where I'm from, I'll say London because anything else would be nonsensical.

Ask about my parents or grandparents, I'll still roll my eyes tbh but i'll tell you and at least you've asked the question you actually want - though to me it still sounds like "how can you be from London, you are not white" even though I could be a descendant of the Mayor I linked to. (I am totally not btw, just saying).

Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/06/2016 22:41

maggie I have really tried to see it from your point if view, really have, but I think you are reading a lot into the word " really" and also I wouldn't give too hoots if people assumed I was a foreigner . If I told someone my heritage and they THEN put me down or made offensive comments THEN I would know they were a knob/ racist and spit in their beer when they weren't looking. Until then I'd assume they were showing interest in me

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:42

Moo "It's just so tedious. I have been asked this so many times it's ridiculous. Usually followed by "ok well where were you born?" and finally "well where are your parents from then?". Rapidly followed by how they may have holidayed in said destination or whether I might know one of their friends who is from there. Yeah, no, just no. Sigh..."

oh yes. And the disappointment when they hear I've never been to the country where my parents were born. Some do put their brain back in when I point out that I wouldn't go anywhere a woman can't walk around alone and feel safe, but many just look sad.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:43

The original post was about how people can't accept the 'I'm from stockport' answer due to the fact that I look foreign/have dark skin, and then say 'no really where are you from' .

Sure people can't insist you answer a question, but you then have to choose between saying 'no really I'm from stockport' and looking arsey which someone upthread said was rude, or telling them about a country and culture you don't identify with and isn't yours.

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TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:45

maggie, maybe we should carry business cards?

"my parents/grandparents came from x but I don't know anything about it, don't speak the language, don't cook the food, don't care and have certainly never visited because I even get weirded out going sarf of the river". (Okay that last part only applies to me).

mommyisbest · 23/06/2016 22:45

I ask everyone who I detect to be 'different' to what is commonplace for me. So a person with a slight accent which isn't RP might get asked. When you read literature do you expect to know a characters priors? Yes! A person's journey is inherently interesting.

Moogajoo · 23/06/2016 22:49

Yes perhaps I should wear a tabbard with my family tree on for curious people who are just interested in my heritage.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:50

The accent thing is a bit different, still annoying to be asked a lot but at least there the person is going to 'really' be from somewhere else (as in grown up there).

I have been guilty myself of asking someone with a funny accent where their accent is from.

Its the assumption that someone who doesn't look stereotypically english/white can't 'really' be from england that is offensive.

Maybe the question 'where are you from' needs revising, and people should ask what they really mean, eg 'what's your ethnic heritage'.

But just because you find it interesting, doesn't mind the other person doesn't find it intrusive.

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Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/06/2016 22:54

maggie Your genes arnt totally from Stockport , are anyone's? Btw I'd really like to do that spit test thing where you spit in a test tube ( and pay £ 125 and find out your 1% Cherokee

How come your brown? is the real question but no britsh person will ever ask this at a nice dinner party

Totally agree it must be sooooo boring to always be asked these questions

Think this is a real eye opener discussion for me, thank you
Still think you could just answer" I'm half Iranian and then a really juiciyly interesting thing to say after like " I'm half Iranian ... And I juggle cats! Total convo changer !
Xx

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 22:56

Mommy "When you read literature do you expect to know a characters priors"

ooh, there's a talking point. I'm pleased to say I've read a couple of books lately that have said "Anil was cross at being described as Bangladeshi when he'd lived in Manchester all his life" and I was like "thank goodness"!

so the priors here are - i'm sick of being asked about the colour of my skin. Given how many people ask, yes, I guess it is important information. but where it comes from specifically isn't.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 22:59

No, my genes aren't totally from stockport and there is some syrian somewhere in my maternal line but not enough that my cousins and aunties get asked the 'where are you from' question.

I have some blond, blue eyed relatives such as my first cousins and my nephew.

That's what makes it all so utterly random and pointless and stupid!

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