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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my children cry at night?

209 replies

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 21/06/2016 15:12

My 2yo DS sleeps through most nights, but on occasions he will wake up and cry during the night. If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

My husband thinks this is not fair to the neighbors and we should try to calm him down as fast as possible. I am thinking it is best for everybody to keep training my son to sleep through. AIBU?
I live in a terraced house, on both sides the houses have been converted to flats, so lots of neighbors. We live on a very busy and noisy street.

OP posts:
nellieellie · 21/06/2016 20:15

Yes, if you ignore him, it will stop him crying. He will give up, because there is no point. He will still be upset, maybe scared, maybe feeling unwell. I used to lie awake at night for hours as a child sometimes terrified because of a bad dream. I never cried or called my mum because in those days, it wasn't done for a child to interrupt a parents sleep. When I had my children, I decided that never would I leave them to cry, to be scared at night and not feel they could call me. They are very good sleepers, always have been.

Cheby · 21/06/2016 21:11

Just go in and reassure him! It's not hard. They are small for SUCH a short time. This won't last forever, soon enough you'll be sad he doesn't need you for reassurance any more.

I went to my DD every time she woke, or got upset, I fed on demand right up to 2.5, I still cuddle her to sleep (I love this, she tells me all about her day and what makes her happy/sad, what she's looking forward to etc).

I haven't taught her any bad habits; the only thing I've taught her is that she can trust me and rely on my to look after her when she needs me too. She is 3.5, she sleeps 11 hours every night in her own bed, has done for ages now.

On the odd occasion she wakes with a bad dream or cough, she knows she can come in with us. It's not made her wake more. She's secure in her own room now BECAUSE we went in when she needed us.

Fomalhaut · 21/06/2016 21:21

I think maybe that framing it as bad habits is the issue? At that age, they are so small still. Yes they can tantrum but you really can't spoil a child with love. Bad habits is stuff like sweets every day/not saying please and thank you/not brushing teeth. There's a place for boundaries for sure - I personally think kids do need defined boundaries BUT within a very secure framework where they can trust the parent totally. Lots of freedom, but in a small pool, if you know what I mean?
I'm trying to get my little one to sleep a bit more at the moment. He is a very very clingy cuddly baby. I've had plenty of people tell me he will be spoiled/rod for your own back/leave him to cry etc.
I know my baby, and I know that would really upset him. So I'm trying just gentle, gradual methods.

Anyway, I'm rambling but to me, the best way to get your kid to sleep soundly is if they know that if they do get scared it's ok. Because you're there. Security comes from you.

Batteriesallgone · 21/06/2016 21:24

Haworthiia mine too - apparently I always slept brilliantly. HA! I just gave up asking for them early on I reckon. I have quite severe depression and anxiety. I often wonder how I would have developed differently if I hadn't been left, scared and lonely, for hours as a child. I want to go and cuddle child-me!

OP as far as I'm aware there's little decent research on the mental health impacts, nigh on impossible to do, so many variables and the ethics would be a nightmare. All I know is what my heart tells me. We all just have to trust our instincts when parenting I guess.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 21:32

spoiled/rod for your own back/

I have heard all that. A heap of crock.

Fomalhaut · 21/06/2016 21:56

pearly yes I'm getting good at the smile n' nod and ignore.
I wasn't allowed into my parents at night either. They're not neglectful they just had a totally different set of advice I suppose. I suffer from quite bad anxiety and I think rather a lot of it can be traced back to childhood.

You can't spoil a child with love. Comfort and security are absolutely key to a happy child imho.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 22:21

Absolutely.
My kids slept with us in a huge cozy family bed until they wanted to move to their own rooms, which was around 4 years old. Even then they would hop back to spend the odd night if they were cold, bad dream, not well, afraid of a storm, they were always welcome in the family bed.

I never taught them to self settle, they worked it out on their own, My kids have never played up at bedtime, I have never had any crying at night, not ever.
The transition to their own beds was easy, My kids ( young adults now) are very independent and have great self esteem.
Some of my happiest memories are of us all lying dozing as a family snuggled up together, loving that they feel so secure and safe in their world.

Maybebabybee · 21/06/2016 22:23

Just to offer a different perspective here I was what you'd call "attachment" parented - bfed, co slept, never left to cry etc etc - and I am crippled with anxiety issues and always have been.

No fault of my mums as she was and is fabulous - just my personality.

ColdTeaAgain · 21/06/2016 22:27

I would rather quickly settle my child every single night than leave them to cry alone.

My DD pottered into our room almost every night to climb in with us, we all slept pretty well the majority of the time. Now she has turned three, I've recently noticed she is doing this less and less often and I know I will feel a certain sadness when she stops completely. They aren't babies forever.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 22:35

coldtea- no they are not babies forever but the closeness can remain.
My OH works away a lot so sometimes my 16 yo DD will suggest we have a bunk up night. We get comfy in her (double) bed, eat popcorn, drink hot chocolate and watch movies. Lovely.

Oly5 · 21/06/2016 22:38

I would never leave a child to cry alone in the dark. Your two year old is probably scared and needs you.
It's bloody cruel

ShimmyShimmyYa · 21/06/2016 22:39

Hi again OP- I've shown this thread to my partner. He finds it quite hard to understand the nastiness of some of the responses, by the way!
Anyway, he reminded me that what we did was to go in initially, pick him up but not engage with him- no looking, no speaking. We would then repeat in ever-lengthening stretches of time (if the crying persisted) 10 mins, 20 mins, then the length of an episode of "24"(!) I'd forgotten about the going in but remaining impassive bit of the whole thing because WE ONLY HAD TO DO IT FOR 3 NIGHTS!! Safe to say, it worked for us. It's probably a form of controlled crying but it was intuitive- we didn't get it from a book. The lack of emotion shows that while you may be in the vicinity, this is not the time for interaction. I have a friend who has always attended to her child overnight- and she pays for it! He is 5 and still a poor sleeper- she posts sleep records on facebook and bemoans how tired she is. I know she's trying to do the right thing but I want to shake her! Meanwhile she's miserable and the kid spends a lot of his life crying. There is no logic in that.

ColdTeaAgain · 21/06/2016 22:41

That's really sweet pearly :)

ShimmyShimmyYa · 21/06/2016 22:53

sorry should have said: we'd pick baby up then pop him back into cot almost immediately. Also my partner says he did read it in a book- ha! I thought we did it intuitively.
When son got his first bed- maybe around 18 months- he kept getting out of it and coming onto landing (not crying or in distress, I might add- just enjoying the freedom). So we did the whole picking up, taking back to bed, no speaking, no eye contact, no emotion thing. And it worked again!

witsender · 21/06/2016 22:56

We have the same set up Pearly, though mine are only 4 and nearly 6. Lovely.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 22:57

I want to shake her! Meanwhile she's miserable and the kid spends a lot of his life crying.

There we go- all the stern warnings.

"not a time for interaction" well for some people it is. I enjoy a cuddle during the night, sometimes I get cold, or wake up to go to the loo or have a had dream. it's nice to feel the physical closeness and warmth of my OH.
I don't think young children are any different.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 22:59

shimmy do you and your OH have separate bedrooms?

witsender · 21/06/2016 23:00

I find the 'lack of emotion' part of that particular childless parenting 'guru's' advice very chilling tbh. Connection is what small children thrive on.

Mum in question undoubtedly knows her child better than you do Shimmy, there could well be all sorts of reasons her child wakes.at night and I suspect most of them will have nothing to do with the actions of his mother. (Where is the father?)

Teddy1970 · 21/06/2016 23:02

I would wait five minutes to see what happens because sometimes it's just a bad dream and they fall back to sleep quite quickly, but to leave them crying for 45 minutes? No way, that's cruel.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 23:05

witsender I find it chilling too. Why would you want to withdraw emotion.

pearlylum · 21/06/2016 23:07

Shimmy is it instinct or a book? Your OH seems to think you are following someone elses protocol.

Maybebabybee · 21/06/2016 23:08

Can't we just accept that different parents do different things and that is fine?

ShimmyShimmyYa · 21/06/2016 23:19

I don't really understand the separate bedrooms but suspect it's not coming from a good place.
I knew the "lack of emotion" comment would cause a stir. Shit! maybe he's headed for depression in later life due to those 3 controlled crying nights at 6 months old. Mind you for the first few months we co-slept and I breastfed on demand- so hopefully that'll mitigate the later cruelty!
And yes, exactly, OP knows her child, knows his different cries- can tell when it's OK to leave him crying IF that's what she chooses to do. I'm not saying do what I did but would feel remiss if I didn't give some reasonable advice in this sea of mawkishness

Mov1ngOn · 21/06/2016 23:26

I cant think of any situaton in which ita ok to leave your child crying for 45mins personally.

Savemefromwine · 21/06/2016 23:34

I couldn't leave any of my kids or my grand child to cry for longer than a few minutes without checking them, soothing and then encouraging sleep.

We didn't set out to co sleep but 2 out of our 4 kids usually crept in during the night and that was fine by us as long as we all slept.

I was a 60s child and my parents would scoop me up and cuddle me in their bed and funny enough i hated it. Just like 2 of mine hated it.

I always find it strange that people plan to co sleep as not all babies and children like it.

Surely you parent the kids you have not the ones you want to follow some parenting style?

Op 45 minutes crying without any checking or reassurance is way way too long and if I was your neighbour I would be worried for your child