AIBU to let my children cry at night?

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

My 2yo DS sleeps through most nights, but on occasions he will wake up and cry during the night. If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

My husband thinks this is not fair to the neighbors and we should try to calm him down as fast as possible. I am thinking it is best for everybody to keep training my son to sleep through. AIBU?
I live in a terraced house, on both sides the houses have been converted to flats, so lots of neighbors. We live on a very busy and noisy street.

Maybe he is ready for a bed? He may have outgrown his cot and that's why he is waking?

Is no-one listening to the OP? She's said it's not 45 mins of crying/wailing, but 45 minutes of on-off calling out, asking for a story, or a song - ie. he's just awake and bored, and fancies a story. I wouldn't go to my DCs for that either!

If the child is distressed and crying continuously for more than 5 minutes then go to him.

If it's just a two year old whinging in the middle of the night for some comfort then go ahead and ignore it. It's obviously working well for you so far (unless the neighbours complain).

I would go in after 5 mins and say shhh its night time everyone is asleep then leave. In that visit I pull be able to see if anything was wrong eg covers gone funny, too hot, too cold.
Still crying after another 5 mins I would repeat and offer water but do same boring robot mum shh it's night time everyone is asleep. I would do that every 5 mins. So I'm there to reassure but not to entertain. I don't think it would cause more wake ups on subsequent nights.
I would not leave a child crying unattended for more than 5 mins in the night.

FirstWeTakeManhattan You say your DS is usually a good sleeper and 'sleeps through most nights.' So it shouldn't be a big deal to settle him on the odd occasions he needs you.

Yes, BUT if I settle him once then he wakes up the following nights, which led me to believe (wrongly?) that it was then becoming a habit and not due to being distressed

Bugger a story at 2 am

Depends on the crying. My second child (20mths) tends to cry in her sleep. I'm up with the baby and sleeping next door so hear her a lot. She lets out a yell and then cries low level for 10seconds or sometimes on and off over an hour. Usually she is asleep doing this. She has a different cry when there's a problem and she needs one of us to come. But I always wait and listen if it's the whinge cry, even if it goes on a long time.

Just because neighbours havent complained doesn't mean they can't hear. I had neighbours who would let their baby/kid cry like this and it was incredibly frustrating

Jelliedeels I tried this, it scares both children, even when they are already awake (and not crying)

I wouldn't leave a child to cry for 2 hours. Having said that, if your DH thinks it's an issue can't he go and comfort him?

*at 2 for 45 minutes!

The other way to look at is is that he is waking up anyway but when you ignore him he learns not to cry for you. So rather than you going to him encouraging the 'habit' of waking, hes waking anyway but the difference is getting reassurance at night or dealing with it alone. I have no idea just putting the other spin on it.

My parents had a 'we're not coming in once you're in bed' rule. They would come in if you screamed but it would be very much no eye contact, check you're not dying, say go to sleep then leave. I remember it, I remember having nightmares, I remember feeling so, so, so lonely. I'm never doing that to my kids ever. Even if it means I'm a sleep deprived wreck.

I think a lot of children go through this by going to him he sees everything is ok and he will learn to just go back to sleep that is sleep training not leaving them iyswim but you have to do as a pp said robot mum

My 2yo did this. She would whinge for 30s then quiet for 5m then whinge again. My DH would go in and simply tell her to lie back down if he was up, if she woke us in the middle of the night then we would talk through the monitor to her and explain that it was still dark, and she needed to go back to sleep until it was waking up time again.

Obviously different rules when it's a bad dream or illness. Or genuine upset. But whinging? I'm not showing my DD that pouting because she wants to play at 3am produces results. Even if it takes 45m of intermittent whining for her to realise it ain't playtime, I'm not going in to pander to her.

Really silly suggestion but have the monitor in lounge and talk through it throughout the day. Mine was terrified at first but after a week of playing and chatting through it (both parts in room, so they can hear the voices come through) she settled well.

Do they have a bottle at night, full belly can help

Is he not waking up the twin if they share a room?

Pander?? Are you kidding me? You can't pander a 2yo!!

OP these things come in phases. It is normal to happen 2 or 3 nights in a row NOT because of habit but developmentally... a leap, a development, learning something new...

My now 4.5 yo still does that 2 or 3 nights of nightmares where either she comes between us on the bed (if my a miracle the baby is in the cot) or my DH goes and lies with her / sits with her until she falls asleep (and he falls asleep next to her)

But this happens just 2 or 3 nights in a row and then not again for a few months...

it's normal.

And at 2/2.5yo they go through a night terror stage.,.. now that is distressing to watch but there is nothing you can do other than keep them save and hug them close until they calm down again - all asleep - and won't remember again in the morning...

There's no such thing as sleep training. They all get there naturally and it's up to the parents to be there for then through ot

Ok, I will try going after only a couple of min to check on him and tell him I am here, but that it is time to sleep. This makes sense.

Bringing him to our bed, I completely disagree with I have to say.

Jelliedeels Brilliant idea!!! I am having the added challenge that his sister is sleeping in the same room, she is not woken up but her brother but she might be by the monitor... but definitely worth a try.

Artando I agree.

Is it so bad if he prefers to sleep with you?

BerylMeeps That is my theory as well basically.

Well I'm definitely not with the "oh my god, HOW LONG??" posters on here; not that I have a problem with the whole "cuddle your baby if they so much as whimper" I just also don't have a problem with the what I believe you've described.

Correct me if I'm wrong LivingOn but do you mean your ds is often a disturbed sleeper; so can wake up and whimper, cry, moan; then drift back off for 5-10 minutes, then still be restless - maybe shouty - then briefly settle again, then cry a bit more... and this can go on for maybe 45 mins before he finally settles back down for a long stretch again? And that if you go in this wakes him up fully and then he's fully awake again, PLUS you get the added bonus of him being more settled again the next night?

I have no experience of a 2yo but my 1yo is definitely a restless sleeper so I can relate to that! He's in my room with me so I know when it's an "I need you" cry and when it's just a noisy night, so to speak. And yes, I also worry about the neighbours, because he can "cry" for a loooong old time, no matter what we do!

I don't know what to suggest. I'm also hoping for some sage advice on this thread.