AIBU to let my children cry at night?

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

My 2yo DS sleeps through most nights, but on occasions he will wake up and cry during the night. If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

My husband thinks this is not fair to the neighbors and we should try to calm him down as fast as possible. I am thinking it is best for everybody to keep training my son to sleep through. AIBU?
I live in a terraced house, on both sides the houses have been converted to flats, so lots of neighbors. We live on a very busy and noisy street.

Many of us like closeness at night with a family member. OH and I do. two year olds are no different.
Families the world over sleep with their children and have done for milennia.

LJ8893 I wasn't referring to your comments- honestly! You've just tried to give constructive advice and there's nothing wrong with that.
In fact I hadn't read your comments because I'd had enough with the posters who variously wrote "Do you not have any emotional response to hearing your child cry?", " I'd report somebody for this" and not forgetting "...you are not being a good parent. You don't stop being a parent just because it is night time."
Makes my blood boil re-reading them!

NewLife4Me Then you back track and say they aren't crying for this time.
Why would you be bothered about the neighbours if they were just unsettled but not crying?

Some noise even if not continuous might keep someone awake. So a 30sec cry every 5min might be a disturbance to someone trying to get back to sleep.
Really, I am not trying to change my story or anything, I am just explaining. I realize now that my OP led to believe that I let him cry/scream non-stop for 45min, which is not exactly true.

We often share beds with the kids, we normally go to bed the two of us but wake in the morning with an extra little person snuggled in with us...sometimes 2. Similarly we often got into bed with them to help them settle when they were smaller. It is totally normal and natural for small people to want to the reassurance of their parents there when it is dark and quiet.

Omg, not everyone shares a bed with their children it does not make them bad parents! FFS

I doubt very much the OP is mean the child is screaming for 45 mins. More likely it's taking the child 45 mins to settle

How about some support rather than criticisms!

Thank you ShimmyShimmyYa and the few other posters who were giving me constructive advice.
I don't "let my children cry" out of cruelty. When I lay in bed and listen to them cry I am not trying to get back to sleep or being lazy, I really do believe that they need to learn that nighttime is to sleep. HOWEVER the stories about people remembering being left to cry as children made me think, and I will do some research about it.

Makes my blood boil re-reading them!

I am 100% with you Shimmy

It is totally normal and natural for small people to want to the reassurance of their parents there when it is dark and quiet

Also agree with this witsender, however it's also pretty normal for parents to not feel comfortable or secure with that arrangement - which is fine too. I think bringing up a child is kind of a collaboration between the parents and the baby; everybody's needs need to be taken into account and reflected so that the whole family unit can be happy and harmonious. If a mother's child sleeps badly but she (for whatever reason) doesn't want to bed share, it's completely okay to ask for alternative ways of soothing her child. Forgive me if I've overstepped, I'm not sure if you're saying bedsharing is an option everybody should be open to.

LivingOn does your ds have some sort of comforter or cuddly toy which may help him settle more quickly if you're concerned? Perhaps you could consider introducing one if he hasn't. I'm sure the internet has some advice on this...

Oh no, I totally appreciate that it isn't everyone's cup of tea, I was nudged into thinking along those lines by the poster commenting that the child was too old etc.

No worries at all- I was just about to post saying how much I admired your restraint with the person who suggested you take a parenting course!!
You sound like a loving and level-headed parent- trust your instincts. We made a lot of decisions that made life harder in the short-term but have paid massive dividends in the long run- for us and for the children.

witsender ahhh, gotcha! Nope, never too old :)

eatsleephockeyrepeat Yes he does, not just one but three

Crying in the night isn't necessarily about distress. Toddlers can throw brilliant tantrums in the day to try and get what they want and you'd leave them to cry- and they can have tantrums in the night too. My dd did it- she was crying because she'd wake and want to be attached to me wrestling my boobs all night. Funnily enough I needed to sleep and she had to learn she can't always have what she wanted which was to be attached to me. If I went to her all the time it would encourage her to do it more so I ignored her for longer periods and she slept through pretty quickly. She was a much happier toddler for proper sleep too. She's nearly 10 now.

Cheers eatsleep

Forget the neighbours. I don't know how you can leave a 2yo upset for that length of time, regardless of whether it's constant screaming or not. I wouldn't leave my 5yo to cry for any length of time.

Can you imagine how you would feel if you were upset and your DH didn't acknowledge it? It's damaging.

Personally I would be bringing him into bed with me or getting in with him, but I appreciate that's not how everybody wants to parent. He's only a baby though

Your OP horrified me. Can't believe your AIBU was about the neighbours in these circumstances. God knows what they must think of you though. 45 mins at night when you're 2...makes me sad and they're not my children.

Yes I had a lovely discussion on here a few months ago where I stupidly voiced I was being kept away by neighbour's 2 year old whose dad even said "he has a really loud scream". They have a huge house and rather than go to him would let him cry or move him to near them would simply let him cry. Thank goodness it's now stopped.

It's also partly the fault of Victorian houses in my case (thin walls).

so yes YABVU. Go to your child sooner.

It's difficult - part of me thinks children at some point need to learn to settle themselves (no idea best age, each child is different I suppose) and the other part of me wonders how I'd feel if I was calling to my husband for 45 minutes from bed unable to get up and he didn't come.

I agree it may be a sign of illness or sickness which you would need to check ASAP. 45 mins is too long.

Would you expect your husband to let you cry for 45 minutes without offering you comfort?

Who cares about the damn neighbours, go and care for your child.

Seriously some of the reactions on this thread are so OTT it's utterly ridiculous.

Yes toddlers can be manipulative. My DSIS was a manipulative stroppy little monster from ages 2-6. Her tantrums are the stuff of family legend. My parents sometimes used to leave her to it at night.

We all laugh about it now, including her.

I repeat, leaving a truly distressed child to cry piteously for 45 minutes is not the same thing as trying to get a whining one to self settle.

Parents need sleep too. Happy parents happy kids.

kaytee- it's interesting, I don't think children need to learn to "self settle". They can be taught through methods to know that crying is pointless, but I think the self settling is a simple developmental stage, like walking or talking, not something that needs to be taught.

I think what you're doing is fine op.

pearly that's why I said learn rather than be taught and also said each child would be different. Much the same as id say a child learns to walk and talk. Personally I can't even leave my dog to cry for longer than a couple of minutes but I've no idea if my way is the right way or not.

kaytee- I agree.

Trusting our instincts is the best thing. It feels wrong to me to leave a child to cry, so I don't do it. I don't need to read a book or follow a regime to tell me what I feel..