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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my children cry at night?

209 replies

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 21/06/2016 15:12

My 2yo DS sleeps through most nights, but on occasions he will wake up and cry during the night. If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

My husband thinks this is not fair to the neighbors and we should try to calm him down as fast as possible. I am thinking it is best for everybody to keep training my son to sleep through. AIBU?
I live in a terraced house, on both sides the houses have been converted to flats, so lots of neighbors. We live on a very busy and noisy street.

OP posts:
Barneythepurpledinowhore · 21/06/2016 15:38

I say mum, my dad was there too when I was that age but he was as useful as a marzipan dildo.

Original poster
LivingOnTheDancefloor · 21/06/2016 15:40

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant It is middle of the night, 3am for ex.

Just to be clear, my children settle well in the evening. They are happy to go to bed. If they wake up early in the morning then I give them toys and they are happy to wait and "talk" to eachother happily (twins, sharing a room)

Porcupinetree Please. No need to be mean for the sake of it. I am trying my best to be a good parent. What exactly is your emotional response to your child crying when throwing a tantrum?? There is cry and cry. When my children are hurst of course I run to them. When my child cries because he wants a story or a song in the middle of the night I don't believe it is the same thing.

OP posts:
Artandco · 21/06/2016 15:42

No. 45mins is way too long. Mine would be terrified even now at 5 years if they cried more than 1 min without someone coming to reassure them. They call for you or cry because they want your reassurance or feel scared or unwell.

At two I would have just bought them into my bed

IamSlavetotheEU · 21/06/2016 15:42

I think 45 mins is far far too much. Also with mine so many illness came on at night, never know why they are crying its a plea for help,.

we still sleep on and off with our 3 half year old.

Original poster
LivingOnTheDancefloor · 21/06/2016 15:42

So, WWYD?? Go into the room, settle him. And then have him wake up twice the next night, three times the one after etc.
Please, any ideas are welcome!

OP posts:
SnotGoblin · 21/06/2016 15:43

Do you really leave him cry for up to 45 minutes? I don't think I could have done that (and it's got nowt to do with the neighbours).

SnotGoblin · 21/06/2016 15:45

WWID? Find out why he is waking up. Is he scared (nightlight). Is he in pain (teething etc). Does he need a wee?

There is usually a reason. Maybe he just needs a bit of comfort and a cuddle... in that case, what I'd do is comfort and cuddle him in the least disruptive way to my sleep available.

Maybebabybee · 21/06/2016 15:46

Depends if he's hysterically crying or just whinging.

Even my 12 week old baby has a little whinge versus full on distress. I ignore the whinging for about 5 mins and he usually goes off to sleep. If not I comfort.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/06/2016 15:46

No way would I leave a child try that long. I left dd cry for 5-10 mins when I was trying to settle her sister. She cried so hard she was sick, and took ages to calm her down.

I believe after a few mins they either settle or ramp it up.

Lunar1 · 21/06/2016 15:46

I would go in to them, the waking will be a phase. I'd let my children know I'm there for them. I'd wait the five mins, but it would be like torture for me.

MrsJayy · 21/06/2016 15:46

Ah see you said he was crying he is just awake thats different but i would still pop in give him some quiet reassurance and he should settle you are awake anyway

Artandco · 21/06/2016 15:47

What would I do? I would lay next to them and soothe them back to sleep. If stroking face/ bit of water/ lullaby didn't work I would just bring them into bed with me. They are 2 years old. I'm almost 32 years old and still prefer sleeping when Dh is home and sharing bed than alone.

If you have twins, will they settle better sharing a bed together? Mine are a year apart and share a bed 90% of the time still by morning ( one often joins the other at 3am)

MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/06/2016 15:47

45 minutes is about 40 minutes too long. I'm very surprised that you can listen to your little toddler upset and not help him.

I tried controlled crying with DS and I lasted 15 mins and the last 10 was because DH was stopping me from going in. I was terribly upset myself and physically I hurt because my little innocent boy was in distress and I didn't come.

I know you say it's not full on crying for 45 minutes, but it still sounds like he's upset and actually, isn't learning how to self soothe and settle.

Please try another way that involves responding to your baby's needs.

SoftSheen · 21/06/2016 15:48

I am trying my best to be a good parent

If you are leaving your 2 year old to cry for 45 minutes you are not being a good parent. You don't stop being a parent just because it is night time. An essential part of being a parent is to comfort your child if they are distressed.

Lj8893 · 21/06/2016 15:49

I would leave him when it's a couple of minutes but any longer I would go into him and settle him. I would continue doing that for as long as it took. He's 2yo, he will grow out of it!

Original poster
LivingOnTheDancefloor · 21/06/2016 15:50

If he is coughing or if his cry is different than usual or hysterical, I will of course go straight away.

However when it is the usual cry, whinging, calls... he doesn't want water, he is not scared, all he wants it to be pick-up and held, and then he will start asking for a song, for a story etc.

OP posts:
Ifailed · 21/06/2016 15:50

seems fair enough to me. The fact that he settles when you go in tells you he's not in any trouble, but is trying to train you. Go for it. 2 yo is not a baby.

CauliflowerBalti · 21/06/2016 15:50

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Arkwright · 21/06/2016 15:50

5 minutes maximum. How can you lie in bed listening to your distressed child for 45 minutes?

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 21/06/2016 15:51

DD2 is two and wakes every night. I always go to settle her after a few minutes. I honestly can't imagine leaving her for anything like 45 minutes.

You say your DS is usually a good sleeper and 'sleeps through most nights.' So it shouldn't be a big deal to settle him on the odd occasions he needs you.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/06/2016 15:51

45 mins is too long for me too but you know your child. If he's mooching and having a bit of a whinge to self settle that's one thing but once they sound properly upset its time to get out of bed.

Since your DH is so worried about the neighbours or is a soft touch why isn't he going in to settle your toddler. My kids would generally, unless ill settle far faster for my husband in the middle of the night.

CauliflowerBalti · 21/06/2016 15:51

Ugh. 2-year olds do not try and 'train' you. They are not cognitively able to do that.

Original poster
LivingOnTheDancefloor · 21/06/2016 15:52

Artandco Interesting. They are still in cots, but when I move to beds I might put them next to eachother to give them this option...

OP posts:
Jelliedeels · 21/06/2016 15:52

Have you a two way monitor . Mine goes up cries immediately sometimes will settle within a few minutes

But if won't settle rather than going In as this seems to upset her more I talk to her through the monitor.

It seems to work relatively well. Not all the time but most of the time

Batteriesallgone · 21/06/2016 15:52

If you're asking WWYD - with a 2yo I would have them in bed with me and just whip out a boob to settle them back to sleep. I'm guessing that would be totally alien to you though! If my child was calling for me I'd be there like a shot. Isn't training them to sleep basically just training them to know you're not going to come to them in the night when they cry? Seems harsh to me. I parent the same at night as in the day - cuddles on tap. But then I'm a sucker for a cuddle me.