AIBU to let my children cry at night?

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

My 2yo DS sleeps through most nights, but on occasions he will wake up and cry during the night. If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

My husband thinks this is not fair to the neighbors and we should try to calm him down as fast as possible. I am thinking it is best for everybody to keep training my son to sleep through. AIBU?
I live in a terraced house, on both sides the houses have been converted to flats, so lots of neighbors. We live on a very busy and noisy street.

wow op you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on here!
Certainly when my son was a baby and if he cried at night, we'd have a sneaky peak to establish he was ok (and you can tell by tell by the cry)- then shut enough doors between us to block out any sound. We also had a movement monitor/sensor thingy though that wouldn't apply to a toddler, of course. We'd watch an episode of our favourite box set and sometime during that 45 mins he fell asleep! I realise your boy's two and I don't know if that makes a difference- we very quickly had no problems whatsoever with my son having a full night's sleep. Oh, and he's grown into a happy well adjusted boy, would you believe?
I do worry about all these little princes and princesses that are being pandered to by some of the more sanctimonious and downright cruel posters on here. More fools them.
Anyway, I'm not being much help because your child's a different age than when he mine cried overnight but just want you to know that there's nothing wrong with trying different things and I don't doubt that you love your child.

Are people here talking about leaving to cry or leaving to whinge as there is a humongous difference.

I just listened to my 12 week old whinge for a few minutes. He then fell asleep which was what he needed. If I go and pick him up or pat him he gets more agitated.

Stormtreader No. Neither twin wakes up when the other one makes noise. One of the mysteries of being a twin I guess... If it is me talking/singing softly it will wake the other one up sometimes.

LJ yes you can. I had 3months of muuuum I need you at 2am on the dot until I implemented the "mummy doesn't come in at night" rule. As I said, my husband goes in and speaks to her, or I speak thru the monitor, but if all she wants is for me to go and read her stories and sing when it's "sleeping time" then no, I'm not doin g it. She's learnt that when light comes through her doorway then she can call for play, and I go, every time.

However, some people need to understand that some 2yos can be different to others. I'm not getting her used to me always being there as sometimes I'm not. I don't bring g her into my bed as she isn't a baby anymore and she will then be in my bed forevermore. Not acceptable to me. As she is my DD, and not yours, I am fully aware of when she is manipulating me. And yes, 2yo+ are capable of this funnily enough.

I'm going to say it again, you can't pander a 2yo!

And I haven't been sanctimonious or cruel, just said what I do with my 2yo and offered advice about maybe trying a bed, rather than cot and reassured that he will grow out of it.

Hmm, I just think the term pander applied to a young child/baby is not very nice.

I wouldn't go and sing/read/play etc to my child at night either, but I would settle her and make sure she knows I am, or her father, is there for her.

I really don't think she is actively manipulating you, she's just learning what she can and can't do.

I think spoil is the word. You can pander to someone , or you can pamper them, but neither word works here.
OT I know.

OP, if you are for real please enrol both you and dh on a parenting course, your children will greatly benefit from it.

And I have never had my daughter in bed with me either, maybe once or twice when she was ill, but that's it.

eatsleephockeyrepeat Yes, that's it.

Everybody, sorry I wasn't clear in my OP, he doesn't scream his lungs out for 45min. He will cry for 30sec, call me, then be silent for 1-2min, then cry etc. It led me to believe that he was trying to settle himself.
Obviously when he cries non-stop (very very rare) I will go straightaway as something might be wrong.
He had nightmares in the past (side effect of a medication), and I strongly believe this is not the case now, nightmares would be high pitch scream followed by loud crying and the crying would continue for 30sec after I take him in my arms.
Nowadays, he is instantly happy when held.

DD is 5 and sometimes wakes in the night. If she's been out of bed to go to the loo she can often settle herself, but sometimes she can't because she's tired and cold, or sometimes she's woken from a dream.
I give her a few minutes, and if she's still crying then I go in to her. It takes 5-10 mins to settle her and it means nobody else is disturbed.

Welcome to MN

OP, you are saying completely different now to your OP.

If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

Beryl- I think that's so sad. She 2 year old and banned from your bed as she's ' too old'? Do you share your bed with your Dh? Or is he too old?

As tempting as it is I never did it. It'll just take once going in in the morning to find them covered in dried vomit to change that method.

NewLife4Me What am I saying differntly? Sorry English is my second language. I just wanted to clarify than the 45minutes he taks to calm himself down are not spent screamin/crying non-stop.

Oh ffs, some people just don't want to share their beds with their kids!! I love my DS to bits but no I don't want him in my bed.

Well in that case LivingOn I posted a very similar AIBU (allbeit about my own ds who was younger at the time) and was resoundingly told to let him get on with it! Although I didn't mention the neighbours (also a terraced house; I'm probably an inconsiderate neighbour) and he was/is still in my room.

Mine's still not a great sleeper at 1yo but if he starts his on-and-off whimpering I stick my hand through the cot bars from lying in bed and he cuddles it, which seems to quieten him most times. Sometimes he ignores it though - he is, after all, basically asleep. Not helpful for you I'm afraid, unless you have octopus arms :(

Calling out or whining gets a "it is night time, darling, go back to sleep" said from the doorway. Crying properly means I'll go and soothe after a couple of minutes.

I had an hour and a half of this last night. Whinging, a short cry grumbling whilst climbing in and out of bed to gather random items for her 'nest' - and repeat .

I just stand outside the door going shhhhh. No way am I picking DD up when she is like this as she will keep doing it (trust me we have had this and her smile and laughing is instant). She cries very diffrerently when she is hurt or scared and abviously I will go to her immediately then.

You said it can take up to 45 mins if you don't go and settle, but settling him is instant.
You asked if YABU to let children cry, which implied up to 45 mins if you didn't settle.

Then you back track and say they aren't crying for this time.
Why would you be bothered about the neighbours if they were just unsettled but not crying?
You aren't making sense at all.
Anyway, people have told you that you shouldn't leave your children crying or indeed unsettled for up to 45 mins.

artandco yes she only comes into our bed when she's seriously unwell or seriously upset. Because she is old enough to understand that mum and dad have their bed, and she has hers. If I wanted her to share with us I wouldn't have bought her a bed. So yes, she is too old. And no, my DH isn't too old, as it's HIS bed. She has her own. She loves her bed. She understands she can't sleep in ours. We had a lot of trouble sorting out a sleeping routine, due to the whinging etc, so now we have strict rules over what belongs to whom, and as we don't get into her bed, why should she share ours?!

Why would you be bothered about the neighbours if they were just unsettled but not crying?

NewLife believe me, it is difficult to sleep though a protracted period of intermittent crying. You're just starting to drift on when... bam! So I can see why she'd consider the impact on the neighbours.

Makes sense to me.

That "bam!" sounded dramatic; I didn't mean it to reflect a "dramatic" sort of cry, just how abrupt it feels to wake up to a grizzle or whine when you're just about to drift off. A pin-drop is abrupt when you're just about the drift off!

2 is barely out of babyhood. 45 minutes is approx 42 minutes longer than I would leave mine, and they're 4 and nearly 6.