AIBU to let my children cry at night?

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

My 2yo DS sleeps through most nights, but on occasions he will wake up and cry during the night. If I don't go to settle him, he will usually fall back to sleep by himself but it can take anytime between 5 and 45min.
If I go, he calms down immediately.
However, from experience I learned that if I start going to his room to calm him down, he will wake more and more often the following nights.

My husband thinks this is not fair to the neighbors and we should try to calm him down as fast as possible. I am thinking it is best for everybody to keep training my son to sleep through. AIBU?
I live in a terraced house, on both sides the houses have been converted to flats, so lots of neighbors. We live on a very busy and noisy street.

Dont move the cots together there is a fb post going around where one twin got stuck in the middle of two cots.
For what its worth I don't believe you are a bad parent, just like the rest of us trying to find something that works and asking for advice.

You're doing nothing wrong OP. I go in if 2 year old DS has had a nightmare and is awake and crying, but I generally don't otherwise. Sometimes I hear him wake and cry, but he settles himself again within a few minutes and is more often than not crying in his sleep.

I would also leave him if he was fully awake just having a whinge, wanting a story or song. Its how they learn that nighttime is for sleeping, not for playing and eventually they get bored and go back to sleep.

If DS1 is disturbed, he'll climb into bed with us (he's 4) but we have a huge bed and he just lies in position. DS2 is a bloody nightmare to sleep with, tossing and turning, kicking and generally being a pain the ass. He's better in his own bed where he knows what to expect.

My 2 boys are very much "give them an inch and they'll take a mile" so I'm pretty strict with nighttime rules. Nothing wrong with letting them settle themselves back to sleep. You know your child and you know if they're distressed.

Geez, some of the responses on here are so fucking over the top.

Dig out your baby monitor and use again? If he self settles then great, if not you will know sooner?

youshouldcancelthecheque We still use the monitor, I am awake as soon as he makes a noise. And I have the image as well so can check that he doesn't have a foot stuck between cot bars or that his favorite toys haven't fallen out - in these case, obv I would go immediately.

It boils down to how you parent. I rarely, if ever, ignored my DC crying at night at any age, others in my family do as they view it as training/assisting the child to self - settle. I do not profess that my way is correct it's just what I was compelled to do, but I would say that if a DC of any age usually sleeps well but has a phase of waking/ being upset, needing a parent at more unsociable times, I would think it best to go with it whilst keeping your parenting skills intact so that you are steering the situation back to the normal sleep pattern. A DC can't always tell you why they need you and parenting is, at times, a 24 hour job. I do get the point of not encouraging frequent waking but there has to be some flexibility.

Mumsnet goes in real phases with this one doesn't it? When my twins were born sleep training was the work of the devil on her but by the time they turned 3 it was getting quite an easy ride. Seems like we've come full circle...

Has the pattern been going on forever, or has it started recently? Is there anything different about his routine that could be causing it? Has he dropped a nap, or is he sleeping fewer hours in the night? Too little sleep can make them sleep less well. Started at/changed nursery? Mine had about a week of alternate shitty nights' sleep when they started nursery at 2.
I'd recommend the book "Teach Your Child To Sleep" by the Millpond clinic, or indeed the clinic itself, they helped us sleep train our twins at 6 months. I wanted to go and see what it said for night waking but I've loaned mine to a friend.

If you do want to go in and settle him can you try less rewarding ways? We found hand on bum/back worked well - you just put your hand on their back through the duvet, if they stop crying lift it, if they keep crying rub their back gently till they stop, then just stop moving it and try to gently lift it away. It gives like the minimum amount of assistance so they are almost going off to sleep on their own.

Also someone was saying about it waking the other twin - do you find, as we did, that your twins can sleep through any amount of noise from each other? Our DD1 has a cry like a smoke alarm, it raises the entire house - except her sister, sleeping like a log in the bed next to her.

If you sit here now and watch the clock constantly for 5 minutes youll realise its actually a really long time to leave a lo crying - honestly try it it will shock you. YABU deffinatly. Id be more worried about my children than my neighbours... you might want to have a think about your priorities

Good advice toomuchtooold, will try settling up without taking him in my arms for example.
It is on and off with him, it happens once or twice a week at the moment, sometimes not in months and sometimes every week. But I will try to identify causes... diet maybe? No obvious change recently.
And yes, twins don't wake eachother up for us as well!

I haven't read the full thread, but I wanted to say that whilst I think it is important that we teach our children how to go to sleep independently, some of my earliest memories are of crying in the night and my mum not coming. I'm not saying that you parent your dc the way I was parented, as these are very different days to the early 1980s, however looking back, it was part of my mum's pattern of not being able to meet my emotional needs. (Which I'm currently having to speak about every week in painful therapy sessions). I have young children and I wouldn't leave them to cry for 45 minutes. Instinctively, it would not feel right. But, I have to think very carefully about how I mother my children as some of the obvious things to most, are not instinctive to me because of the emotional neglect I went through as a child.

You sound like you're a thoughtful and reflective mother to your children, and I can see there's been lots of comments on your thread already. I hope you don't feel like I'm saying you emotionally neglect your children, I suppose what I am saying is that, we all have our blind spots about what we feel our children's needs are/should be and what they actually are. I don't know how your 2 year old feels, but I have spent a lot of the last couple of years thinking about how the 3 year old me felt, and really wishing I could have cuddled her when she was upset and sad.

It'll just take once going in in the morning to find them covered in dried vomit to change that method

This has happened to my sister and to a friend. Neither ever left their DC crying again.

I also think you have extremely tolerant neighbours OP!

Actually forget the tolerant neighbours bit. I just remembered that it's not a regular thing and your DS is usually a good sleeper.

onwego This is interesting. As I said earlier, I will do a bit of research on this aspect. Thank you for sharing.

What onwego said (though I wouldn't have felt able to say it as nicely and carefully as she did).

Children that young (and arfuably, and IMO, older) who cry are expressing a need, OP. You don't go to them, you are not meeting their needs.

arguably, not arfuably.

to some of the responses on here...I know I've read threads before where 'cry it out' had been totally acceptable for babies.

OP if your kid is screaming for 45min then yabu. But I don't think that's what you were saying. You're saying he's up for 45mins semi-whinging. And if you go to him he gets worse the next night and so on. People who don't have kids who have done this don't get it. I would say trust your instinct. Night time is for sleeping not for more attention from mum/dad. If it is just whinging and you know he's not unwell or hurt etc I would leave him to it. Obviously if it's actually crying then you would go in after a couple of mins

The stop start crying is to do with them trying to communicate.

They cry out in distress for someone to come to them.
Then they stop to listen to see of anyone is coming.
If not they cry out again...repeat

Then after a while they give up exhausted believing noone is coming.

I wouldn't leave mine more than a few minutes.

No cry sleep solution has a ton of techniques (not really "no cry" though as they often do grizzle while you pop in repeatedly etc.)

My second one woke up a lot. I'm so so glad I went to comfort her as at 3 we found out she had sleep apnea so was often waking not able to breathe! Poor scared thing

Durham uni had a sleep center. I can't remember the name but produced lots of research regarding sleep.

It always gets a bit hysterical in here when anyone mentions a child crying.

It's fine fgs, they're hardly going to explode from having a minor whinge, are they?

The thing is...if he calms down immediately if you go in to settle him, doesn'the that mean you ALL sleep better (neighbours included)? If it really takes 5 minutes, as opposed to 45 min of broken sleep for you all?

My son is four and sleeps 8-7, with no fuss at bedtime I take no credit for this, he was a nightmare until 2 and in his own bed in his own room. However, I would say about once a week he stirs around 1-2am, no tears but will call out from his room or quietly come and find me in ours. I don't say anything but a 2min cuddle and he's out like a light again and I'm back in bed with DH with hardly any memory of it by morning . TBH, while he is not a baby, he is a very young child and I think it's natural to sometimes need a little comfort at night.

Do you think if maybe you started going in to settle him then he might stop waking up after a few weeks?Maybe he needs the reassurance and after a few test runs he'll sleep through?

I would just bring them into bed with me, tougher admittedly with twins.

Oh we're all doing our best to do what we think is the right thing.

I know I always feel my most vulnerable at night, when everyone else is asleep, and I fully expect my children to feel the same. As a result, I never leave them to whimper, wail or cry. I just can't. As a result, I'm often up more in the night than I should be or probably need to be, but I just think my job as their mother is to provide comfort, regardless of the hour.

I have some friends who have a strict 'you don't come in and we don't come to you' policy, even when their kids are ill. Not that long ago, they left their 10 month old baby to cry for three hours when she was poorly. It genuinely breaks my heart. (OP, not directed at you, not for a moment)

Wow lots of harsh comments on op.

My dd is 19 months, i can tell the difference between whingy cry and need mummy/daddy cry and she is so stubborn that if she is just having a protest at going to sleep it will make her hysterical to keep having us go in... When we put her to bed we wait 5 minutes, check she hasnt pooped/no temp/doesnt need anything. Then check again 15 minutes later providing it isnt serious distressed cry.

Want to share some experiences. One of my best friends left her little dd to cry at night. Lovely hands on mum but had this thing about leaving her settle herself etc. Proud of her technique. Otherwise home life fine very active happy family. At 16 her dd went into huge depression very angry with her dm on suicidal watch. I couldn't stop thinking of the nights she was left crying.. My sil left he dd cry. Sometimes when we stayed over we would hear her cry and no one comforting her. I couldn't bear it. Likewise happy family in other ways. But sil thought she needs to learn. Her dd is now quite disturbed. Early 20s beautiful girl but very unhappy in many ways. All l think of is the crying.
My dh says his earliest memories are of standing in his cot crying and no one coming.
My earliest memories are of my mom coming into me during the night tucking me in and talking softly to me. Please build good memories. Don't take a chance. I would rather err on the side of letting them not learn that open them up to hurt and grief.

batteries mine never came to me or let me in their room if I had nightmares either. I remember a lot of nightmares, and a lot of nights spent awake and terrified. Interestingly they insist j slept well and was never any bother at night
I'm determined that my child will not have a similar experience. A few minutes of grumbling can be ignored but not crying. You don't have to play , just a cuddle and a 'it's nighttime darling, sleep now.' If that doesn't work then into bed with us. I could not ignore 45 mins of crying.

Op: set yourself a time limit - say 5 mins. If they are going to settle they will do so but if not, go in, keep it as boring as you can and settle briefly. Then go back out. Repeat as needed as long as whinging occurrs. If it ramps up to real upset then comfort properly.

The last comments have been much less agressive than at the beginning, and way more constructive thank you. This post wasn't initially about how I manage the cries/settling but about the acceptable amount of disturbance to the neighbors, which is why I only described it briefly in the OP, but it has given me things to think about. I don't mind going in the children's room for 5min, even in the middle of the night, it is more about the bad habits, but it is worth trying to change what I am doing and see how it goes...