Just read mathsanxiety's post. Had to RE post because it was too good to just be down once. Thank you for taking the time to hit the nail on the head. Op, I hope you're OK. A lot of us have been where you are and mumsnet has changed our lives. Well my life has changed because of mumsnet- I started with a post like yours about 5 years ago and I kept on posting. I've left now and it's hard but I'm mainly at peace, enjoying my job and my children.
^OP (that's you, Toomanylols), you know what? He actually can control his foul temper and his abusive words.
He is using his temper, not losing it.
Has he ever been reprimanded or disciplined for similar behaviour at work?
This sort of stuff happens all the time. It is very hard to explain
It really is hard to explain. It all looks like little things. It is the death by a thousand cuts. But it is death all the same: you will eventually find your spirit being destroyed, all the joy sucked out of life, your relationship with your children tainted.
And am I wrong to be human and show emotion when he treats me like this?
Not one bit wrong, and not at all unreasonable. Somewhere inside, you know he is the problem. But he is chipping away at you by many means, including the text he sent you where he used the word 'normal' to describe his own abnormal behaviour, and his effort to blame it on tiredness or stress or the fact that his life isn't perfect. He is trying to put it in a context and make it seem reasonable to you. If it is reasonable then the implication is that you are unreasonable to complain.
The fact that you are wondering about your own response indicates how much a part of the fabric of your life with him it has become.
Everything that you feel is absolutely normal and reasonable.
I just won't get angry in my mother's house because I have respect.
And because if you got angry in your mother's house you would show him and your family how much it is all affecting you, and thus how small and humiliated it makes you feel, and it is bad enough without facing that ultimate humiliation.
I came home the other night from a 12 hour shift and hadn't seen my baby in 2 days because of the hours I work, I was so absorbed in playing with her and kissing her that I didn't hear him trying to make conversation with me. Next thing he's shouting calling me ignorant.
This is all abuse. It is designed to keep your attention on him at all times.
You will eventually find yourself monitoring the amount of attention you give your baby and toddler in case he is sulking about it. (That bit in his text where he blames his terrible behaviour on tiredness is a warning to you that you are in for a rocky time when you have a baby and a toddler on your hands. You had better be prepared to work overtime to make sure he gets enough rest).
It's just like he loses his temper in 2 seconds. He's never been physical but he has been very intimidating (stomping around, threatened to break the door down once when he was really annoyed)
Again, he is not losing his temper. He is using it.
'He's never been physical' but only because he has you walking on eggshells anyway. The stomping around, threatening to destroy an inanimate object - part of his own home, going from zero to ninety in two minutes: that is all designed to intimidate the same way the back of the hand to the face is.
And he has all the stock excuses lined up should he ever decide the time has come to show you by means of the fist what happens when he feels you have got too uppity. All the weasel words from the text will be repeated if he ever strikes you. Tired, stressed, your facial expression, baby was crying too much, blah blah.
The cycle of abuse.
Hoovering:
datingasociopath.com/2013/06/15/the-cycle-of-abuse-in-a-relationship-with-the-sociopath-or-narcissist/
Does any of this ring a bell?
'3. The Reconciliation
The Sociopath now knows that he is about to lose source of supply, and has to act fast. He starts to seduce you, but you are wary you have been here so many times before. The Sociopath will sell you back yourself, your hopes and your dreams. [Remember the bit in the text where he mentions your baby?] Other people might at this point think that you have taken leave of your senses. ‘You can’t go back for one more time? Those close to you plead.
They do not understand, your heart is hurting. You feel broken. You want this to work. After all you have invested so much. You do not want that to go to waste. Hope… you want hope. You love this person, but you do not love this behaviour and how it makes you feel.
By now the Sociopath is kind and caring. Once again he is mirroring you, and offering you what you want. [This is why you sometimes benefit from the odd kind gesture]. The sociopath makes false empty promises for the future. You want it to be right, you just don’t want to be hurt anymore.'
For 'sociopath' you can substitute abuser, or narcissist or psychopath (or any Cluster B personality disorder). Please don't be startled by the words 'sociopath', psychopath' or 'narcissist' here. Take a look at this: outofthefog.website/
outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering
Hoovering has the effect of making you think you don't have a horrible relationship problem, just a diamond in the rough who needs work on your part to reveal the good man you know is inside. You have caught glimpses of him after all. You know the great husband can be enticed out from behind the rough exterior from time to time. When you get a lie in or a bunch of flowers or when he seems to cheerfully pick up the toddler from nursery it makes you believe your efforts can result in similar reprieves in the future.
In fact he is only being nice because it takes effort to blow up and it would lose its effect if he did it all the time. He also gets to look like superdad picking up DD from nursery. It makes it that much more difficult for you to talk to other parents at the nursery gate about what a horrible time you are having at home.
He is also doing it because he sincerely believes he is Mr NiceGuy, and it makes him feel good about himself when he does the odd nice thing for you. Then when you complain to him about how badly he treats you, he whips out the mental balance book that shows how he is always giving and giving and giving (according to him), and you become in his eyes the world's most ungrateful bitch. For your part, you are required to judge him by his intentions (which are impeccable) and to make allowances for all the ugliness and cruelty. You are required to remember last Sunday fortnight's lie in. For his part, Sunday morning's nice Father's Day gifts are out of sight and out of mind.
Important - Don't do counselling with him.
Working together is not the next step.
the next step is - call Women's Aid and ask for a referral to a counsellor or therapist, or if your employer offers a referral service, ask them. Don't faff around. Ask for counselling that is explicitly aimed at helping victims of emotional/psychological abuse.
^