Fiancé always decides to snap at me in front of family

[toomanylols]

Hey guys. This is actually really getting me down. I am such a family person and I would do anything for my family. When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them. He's not a bad guy, we have a child and another on the way, but he just has no filter whatsoever. If something irritates him, he just says it. Doesn't matter who is in the room. Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort. If he annoys me I would keep shtum and maybe raise it later. It makes everyone so uncomfortable. And it's always about little stuff. Today we went round to have Sunday Dinner at my mams after he had gotten lovely pressies for Father's Day. She cooked us a lovely meal, I asked him did he want Diet Coke, he said yes please, then he said IF YOURE GOING TO ROLL YOUR EYES THEN ILL POUR IT MYSELF. I was stunned. I did nothing of the sort. No one knew where to look. We ate dinner in almost silence. Once we left then I had it out with him. He apologized said he's really tired (eh me too) said he shouldn't have snapped, he thought I rolled my eyes at him. It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing.

When those siblings have partners and families of their own, their wishes should also play a part. If that's the one and only holiday a year that the family have, for example, then no, it's not so lovely if one part of that family then has to spend his only holiday with his inlaws.

The OP also turned around and told her partner he was no longer welcome on their special family holiday. It speaks volumes as to her priorities in life.

Sure, he snapped at her. Not ideal. But are you surprised?!

It's right there in her OP, Love. "I am such a family person, I would do anything for my family".

Almost without exception, this means "My family's wishes come ahead of my partner's". It never ends well.

'If he has a problem with her family he can discuss it with her.'

Yeah.

Not if she says please, enough of your negativity every time.

I'd be telling him he wasn't welcome if he spoke to me like that on a regular basis! Who wants to spend their holiday walking on eggshells?! Anyway, everyone has their opinion and all day could be spent arguing about this when we really have no idea of him or his issues, bar "being tired." Pathetic! A man acts like a rude disrespectful twat to his fiancé on a regular basis-having a problem with her family is NO excuse, if that even is the reason. He needs to own his shit, not warn her by text that he needs a chilled life anyway good luck OP with everything.

Also, it's all there in her followup posts:

"Your lack of respect for family situations is appalling. My mother had cooked you a beautiful meal and you kick off at me when I make you a drink. Stay the fuck out of my way. I am beyond disgusted with you."

He made a mistake and thought she rolled her eyes at him. And this is what he gets. Massive overreaction, and a very clear indication that she values her family's happiness more than his.

What about the way she spoke to him, Lovewine? "Stay the fuck out of my way", because he made a mistake, which he apologised for, because she didn't think he was appreciative enough of her mother's "beautiful meal"? That, actually, to me, sounds rather abusive.

User

Is your perspective a male perspective on this?

I mean, christ. Imagine if a man had sent that text to a woman and she'd posted it on here. There'd be uproar and cries of LTB.

No, my perspective is female, not that it should matter in the slightest.

Well said Lovewine . Since when is there any excuse for shaming and embarassing your partner, or even anybody else, publicly in front of family and/or friends? Id never do that to someone nor would I accept it, under any circumstances. I really can't imagine having an issue with my partner, then waiting until his family were present and aiming to talk down to and embarass him in front of others. Theyd rightly have something to say to me. & a man treating me like that would be out of my orbit sharpish, I do not like unkindness in that way That bullshit people do of waiting till others are present, then showing off by belittling you, and assuming because of public presence you'll be so covered in shame that you won't say a word? No way. If others would accept it (they likely wouldn't accept their man or even their boss or friend treating them like tht but hey, this is AIBU lets make a woman feel like shit AND tell her she should shut up when being humiliated by a man in front of people) then thats on them, but it doesn't mean in any way that other people should.

Nobody's said that, Mistress. Nobody's said she should shut up.

Equally, she does not get a pass for speaking to him the way she did simply because she's a woman. Sorry, but no. Telling someone to "stay the fuck out of my way" and criticising him for not being appreciative enough of her mother's cooking when it seems all he did was make a mistake, which he apologised for, is abusive behaviour.

She also needs to look at whether her need to seemingly spend so much time with her family at the expense of her partnership, if that is what's happening, is contributing to the situation. The fact that she was so ridiculously defensive when this was suggested, to me, indicates that it is a huge factor in the way he behaves around them.

User you are making me laugh! Is this how you spend your days?! Demanding explanations off people you've never met in your whole life?! Why do you care so much?! Put the phone or laptop down and go for a walk... Give someone a hug... Cos you seem to be missing a lot of love and joy in your family life. Maybe you're the black sheep? Dare I say bitter?

I have snapped at my DH in public and he at me, often when tired or otherwise not "chilled".

We would always tell each other off immediately something like "easy tiger", "so rude!", "Oi, cheeky!" "Calm down, calm down (Harry Enfield style)" as a reflex action.

An apology follows immediately from the offender.

Nobody sits in silence at a family meal embarrassed but refusing to say anything after one of us has been a tit.

It doesn't matter much how bad he was feeling, or about what. His behaviour after being rude to you was very poor indeed. That apology was not an apology. It was a statement that he can be as rude as he likes if he is not feeling 100% chilled.

I notice you weren't given the same free pass. You were tired when he thinks you rolled your eyes. You were tired so that's OK in his book, right, so why didn't you get your free pass?

Normal to give info, yes. Demands for an explanation as to why they spent Father's Day at her parents' house? Being berated as being "childish" and "not normal" for wanting to go on holidays with her family-no need and I can see why OP is annoyed about this.

It's so unfair that he treats you this way in front of your family. Where does it come from? I think you need to make him feel the gravity of the situation. It could mean him missing out on your holiday. It could mean him losing you and your DD altogether. I agree with mumsontherun, you should use the holiday as a test and if he fails that get rid. If he is a good Dad and he does want to change, you will need him when baby no.2 comes along. Best of luck! xxx