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Original poster

Fiancé always decides to snap at me in front of family

197 replies

toomanylols · 19/06/2016 23:56

Hey guys. This is actually really getting me down. I am such a family person and I would do anything for my family. When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them. He's not a bad guy, we have a child and another on the way, but he just has no filter whatsoever. If something irritates him, he just says it. Doesn't matter who is in the room. Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort. If he annoys me I would keep shtum and maybe raise it later. It makes everyone so uncomfortable. And it's always about little stuff. Today we went round to have Sunday Dinner at my mams after he had gotten lovely pressies for Father's Day. She cooked us a lovely meal, I asked him did he want Diet Coke, he said yes please, then he said IF YOURE GOING TO ROLL YOUR EYES THEN ILL POUR IT MYSELF. I was stunned. I did nothing of the sort. No one knew where to look. We ate dinner in almost silence. Once we left then I had it out with him. He apologized said he's really tired (eh me too) said he shouldn't have snapped, he thought I rolled my eyes at him. It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing.

OP posts:
NavyAndWhite · 20/06/2016 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyRataxes · 20/06/2016 12:03

is he only like this in front of your family ? it doesn't make sense to me - why do you walk on eggshells the whole time if this is only in front of your family?
i think sometimes people assume roles in front the one set of friends and family - and this can irritate their partner as its not true to life - so you may portray an easy going relaxed persona which a partner tries to provoke into showing another side - or a perfect wife persona. Its also hard for a partner to always fit in to the dynamics and they can often feel like the outside.
also it sounds like your attitude is to fake it -the keeping shtum and raising it later - while he might want to act naturally.
i also noticed that you say its embarrassing- is it the fact that your family see him act like this (and you taking it) that matters- or would you care if he did this in private?

EveryoneElsie · 20/06/2016 12:05

If he finds your family stifling then he can make a joke about it.
Or scream at you in front of them.

LordoftheTits · 20/06/2016 12:14

Perhaps I do have an issue with becoming easily irritated, but when I'm exhausted. I can control my irritability levels when I'm fresh and had enough sleep. I don't think this is uncommon in people.

It is uncommon. We're all busy, we're all tired. I'm never downright rude to people.

NavyAndWhite · 20/06/2016 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inkanta · 20/06/2016 12:27

'i think sometimes people assume roles in front the one set of friends and family - and this can irritate their partner as its not true to life - so you may portray an easy going relaxed persona which a partner tries to provoke into showing another side'

Maybe some truth in that I don't know but I find this dynamic quite interesting. I don't think this situation necessarily means you have a raving abusive control freak on your hands, but it's very annoying when it happens - I should imagine. What is it all about?

Inkanta · 20/06/2016 12:31

I should imagine it feels quite humiliating when he does it - hence you are more guarded in these situations to prevent it from happening.

I think you will have to remind him before any family get together NOT to do it, and to show respect to you at all times!

Original poster
toomanylols · 20/06/2016 14:15

User 14690blahblahblah

What on earth is wrong with my sister and I arranging a family holiday where we bring our kids who love love to hang out with one another and they're nana gets to come too? Maybe you've never had that sort of closeness within your family where you all enjoy each other's company. They are the best holidays. Being surrounded by people you love. My issue is that he has a huge lack of respect when decides to have a go at me in other people's houses in other people's company. Because not only does it ruin my day, it ruins their day also. Now please, enough of your negativity.

OP posts:
LordoftheTits · 20/06/2016 14:30

You've never been sharp or bad tempered Lordofthetits?

I was raised by a bad tempered, shouty mother who had me walking on eggshells until I moved out at 21 so I am very cautious about how I speak to people. Of course everyone has off days but I would never snap at someone like the OP's partner and then fob them off with a wishy washy tale of being tired.

user1465023742 · 20/06/2016 14:52

It appears I hit a nerve, OP.

I do not consider it particularly normal to keep taking "family holidays" with your birth family when you are a grown adult and have a family of your own. It comes across as rather childish. Furthermore, you said to your partner that he wasn't welcome to come on your special family holiday.

Now. Ask yourself why he perhaps feels irritable and snappy around your family.

That's not negativity. That's asking you to consider that there are two sides to every story and maybe, just maybe, your partner feels excluded by what to me appears to be a rather clingy closeness to your family of origin at the expense of your own family.

"I'd do anything for my family/I am such a family person/yada yada yada" normally means "i value my birth family more highly than my partner and their wishes will always come first at the expense of my partner's wishes".

Why for example were you at your mothers on father's day, instead of doing things with your children and your partner?

Just something to think about.

MistressDeeCee · 20/06/2016 14:53

He is publicly shaming you in front of others purposely OP. I note his apologies are private, tho. I can't fucking stand people like that, or the apologies others make for them. He doesn't like or respect you, or your family. He is belittling you for precisely that reason, and to make himself look the big "I Am". I bet you're both already the topic of conversation re. the next holiday, nobody will want you around really with him in tow waiting to spoil nice family times by embarassing you and making you feel like shit

My issue is that he has a huge lack of respect when decides to have a go at me in other people's houses in other people's company. Because not only does it ruin my day, it ruins their day also

^^ Quite

It like a drip-drip effect, eats away at you, causes you and others around you to feel unrelaxed, and its bloody uncomfortable and irritating to witness too.

My cousin used to do this to his wife. I will never forget one occasion he snapped at her in front of us all, cue awkward silence, she walked into the kitchen when I went in there later, she was standing in front of the sink crying very silently. Just silent tears. I never ever visited their home again. Thankfully 2 years later she left him and then eventually married a lovely man.

No abusive man should get a Pass because he is nice at other times or good with the DCs. So what. If he's a disrespectful arse to you none of that makes up for it unless you believe you should come last, and be the brunt of ridicule from an unmannerly man

user1465023742 · 20/06/2016 14:57

By the way:

"What on earth is wrong with my sister and I arranging a family holiday where we bring our kids who love love to hang out with one another and they're nana gets to come too?"

Does your fiance get a say in this? Does he get to have a holiday with his partner and his children without having his sister in law, her kids, and his mother in law tag along too?

My best friend is like you. She's never cut the apron strings from her family either. Every single school holiday, she packs herself, her kids, her mother and half her household into her car and goes to stay with her sister. Her sister's husband gets absolutely no say in the matter. The poor man ends up having to shut himself in his office for weeks at a time to get any peace.

Perhaps your fiancee would like a bit more time with you and your own children, instead of having to spend it with your extended family.

deste · 20/06/2016 14:57

How can you tell her to leave him with only one small example unless there's a lot worse than that. I would monitor him on holiday and see if he has taken on board what you have said to him. She wants constructive advice and I don't think leaving him at this point is.

PrimalLass · 20/06/2016 15:00

That's why I really don't like these threads. Hysterics at the drop of a hat.

This.

OK OP, you love your family - but does he? I get very over irritable when around my inlaws sometimes, and everything DP does seems ten times worse. I feel so fecking stressed sometimes by the sheer OBLIGATION of it all.

Does he actually want to be there, or does your side all just expect to spend all this family time together and he goes along with it?

user1465023742 · 20/06/2016 15:01

Does he actually want to be there, or does your side all just expect to spend all this family time together and he goes along with it?

That's fairly obvious from her last rather defensive response.

PrimalLass · 20/06/2016 15:04

Now please, enough of your negativity.

How rude. Do you shut your DP down like this?

Inkanta · 20/06/2016 15:10

User. Ah, are you THE User ( or are there others). Wink Your angle here seems to be to play devil's advocate.

I am in no doubt that this behaviour from DH is bad disrespectful behaviour that needs nipping in the bud forthwith, and must not be allowed to happen again - whatever his excuse.

user1465023742 · 20/06/2016 15:13

Not at all being devils advocate (and I don't know what you mean about their being others. This is an automatically generated username, there are lots of them).

There are two sides to every story. OP seems to be of the opinion that her family (ie, her mum and her sister) are more important than her partner's wishes, so, it's not surprising to me that there may well be a reason he's snappy and irritable around them, especially if he's being forced to spend time with them when he doesn't want to.

She's a grown adult, and her partner and children should come first.

She still hasn't explained why she was at her mother's on Father's Day but she has complained that he didn't praise the mother enough for a nice lunch. Something seems off here.

SeaEagleFeather · 20/06/2016 15:18

She still hasn't explained why she was at her mother's on Father's Day

could it have been to see her father?

Inkanta · 20/06/2016 15:19

User

Mm. Is it OK for him to vent his irritation publicly in front of everyone. Is that OK behaviour?

Lovewineandchocs · 20/06/2016 15:20

"Explained" why she was at her mother's on Father's Day? Confused surely the OP doesn't have to justify her social arrangements? Perhaps it was a meal for her father-apologies if I've missed something, OP. Saying it is childish and "not normal" to take holidays with your birth family is pretty offensive IMO. People do what makes them happy and you have NO idea how her DP feels about this. Nor do any of us for that matter-however such rudeness in front of ANYONE to a person you are supposed to love and respect, then the king of all veiled threat texts being sent as an apology is unacceptable IMO. And I think "please, enough of your negativity" is a fair enough comment.

user1465023742 · 20/06/2016 15:25

No, we don't. Neither does she, apparently. Which is why we're asking her to consider that he may be feeling excluded and squeezed out. Take the family holiday, for example. Her immediate response is to defend why it was just fine for her and her sister and her mother to arrange it. No mention of whether the partner is fine with it, whether he wants to spend his annual holiday with his inlaws, whether he gets any say in it at all. I'm betting he doesn't.

I find her posts very revealing as to the nature of the problem.

PrimalLass · 20/06/2016 15:25

No, we have no idea. That's why we are asking the OP Hmm

And I think "please, enough of your negativity" is a fair enough comment.

It is deflection. I think they both sound as bad as each other.

whois · 20/06/2016 15:31

I do not consider it particularly normal to keep taking "family holidays" with your birth family when you are a grown adult and have a family of your own. It comes across as rather childish.

What? You don't wish for your children to have a close and loving, friendly relationship when they are adults?

I think its lovely when siblings enjoy each others company so much they go on holiday together.

Lovewineandchocs · 20/06/2016 15:34

Well no, user said it's "obvious" how he feels from the OPs last "defensive" post. I don't think it's obvious, nor was the post defensive. She shouldn't have to justify why she likes going on holidays with her family. That isn't the issue here and I don't see where the OP has said he should be "grateful" for the meal or that she would "do anything for her family." I think a lot is being read into this. The main issue is that he is frequently a rude bastard to her. If he has a problem with her family he can discuss it with her. I don't think it's too much to ask that someone behaves politely at their partner's family gathering.