Fiancé always decides to snap at me in front of family

[toomanylols]

Hey guys. This is actually really getting me down. I am such a family person and I would do anything for my family. When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them. He's not a bad guy, we have a child and another on the way, but he just has no filter whatsoever. If something irritates him, he just says it. Doesn't matter who is in the room. Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort. If he annoys me I would keep shtum and maybe raise it later. It makes everyone so uncomfortable. And it's always about little stuff. Today we went round to have Sunday Dinner at my mams after he had gotten lovely pressies for Father's Day. She cooked us a lovely meal, I asked him did he want Diet Coke, he said yes please, then he said IF YOURE GOING TO ROLL YOUR EYES THEN ILL POUR IT MYSELF. I was stunned. I did nothing of the sort. No one knew where to look. We ate dinner in almost silence. Once we left then I had it out with him. He apologized said he's really tired (eh me too) said he shouldn't have snapped, he thought I rolled my eyes at him. It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing.

My DH once snapped at me AND at DD1 in front of my Mum. Later on he felt terrible. He was under a lot of pressure but he still apologised to both me AND my mum in person. It's not abnormal to snap in front of one another's families if you've been together years but what you describe is not a one off like my situation was...it's ongoing and you should not go on holiday with him.

Don't take him....let him think about this alone. He can use the time to figure out his motivation. If he does it again, leave him.

Don't take him on the holiday. He needs to see how serious this has become.

His message basically said "Its not my fault" and it will never be his fault. It will always be because he is tired or you wound him up or the kids were being noisy......

Yes you can, and should, leave him over this as it will only get worse.

Oh and I agree, he does not go on the holiday.

Apart from anything else, why the hell should your family have their holiday ruined by him? He totally ruined a family dinner and thats only a few hours. They dont deserve having to put up with that for a whole week.

Don't take him on the holiday. He needs to see how serious this has become.

I disagree. He can grow the hell up and be involved in family life like an adult.

You need to call him on it every single time he does it. I know it's awkward - but his behaviour has already created the awkwardness. Guarantee he will stop doing it when you make him look like a dick every time.

You are being emotionally (and psychologically) abused.

Of course you can add leaving to your options here. It will take a bit of planning, and it is hard to contemplate such a move when you are heading in a different direction with him (or so you believe) - with one child and a baby on the way.

When it comes to the option of leaving, you have the advantage of having a job, and it appears you have family of your own nearby. I think you should consider the option very seriously. Your alternative is more of the same for the rest of your lives together.

His 'apology' was no such thing. And miserable list of excuses that it was, you had to wring it out of him after an argument.

He should not be allowed to join the family holiday. Your mum should write him a strongly worded letter uninviting him and telling him that she is taking notes every time he opens his mouth.

He is testing everybody to see what he can get away with. It is giving him an ego boost to see how he can get everyone walking on eggshells in his presence.

He is probably also trying to make you dread family gatherings so much that you will decide not to go. He will thus isolate you.

He is creating a cycle of abuse here:
He humiliated you, then ordered you to 'stop nagging and shut up'. Then you finally got him to address your complaints, but instead of an apology he gave petty excuses and a good example of 'hoovering' - mentioning he was looking forward to the new baby.
Hoovering is an attempt to suck you back in after an incident.

In the remark about the baby he is also subtly reminding you of your vulnerability here (you are pregnant). He thinks he has you where he wants you - dependent on him and reluctant to confront him.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him.
This feeling is frequently an indication that the relationship is abusive.

Apart from feeling sad for you, because you are enmeshed in an emotionally abusive relationship and clearly feel stuck about how to proceed, I also feel bad for your family, being exposed to his shit behaviour. I'm sure they have spent £££ on this holiday and are looking forward to it; his petulant nastiness will ruin it for al of them.

Gosh, unless I am missing a lot of back story this all seems very extreme! Yes op faced an unpleasant experience and her dh was wrong to try and 'explain' it away however this isn't endless emotional abuse. This is one comment made in error when the op admits she might have been pulling a face when offering a drink... I'm more concerned about what you say about regularly walking on egg shells op...if it is only happening around your family is that a different conversation you need to have with your dh?

It's not one incident is it? The op said it happens regularly. A pattern of abusive behaviour is...abusive

If you are arguing fiercely in front of your child, your child is going to be emotionally damaged. Children internalise and blame themselves. So this situation really needs to be resolved.

I would leave him at home. He states he is unable to control himself if tired. He ends this by putting the responsibility for his future behaviour on YOU by saying he will act another way if YOU tell him how.

Big red flags. Especially as this text is after much Disagreement first. I don't know about LTB. Definitely needs to grow up and maybe get some counselling.

If you want to help him, perhaps give him some more appropriate ways of letting off steam. Go for a walk, have a rest etc. Does he have a hobby/interest? The idea isn't that he "controls" himself, but that he learns to soothe and look after himself better so that he can be good company. This would be a long term thing and need to be discussed regularly I expect.

Taken at face value as a one off incident it sounds like nothing, it is the walking on eggshells comment that sounds the alarm bells that this is not a one off. Mathanxiety sums it up very well.

When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them

It's not a one off

Perhaps I do have an issue with becoming easily irritated, but when I'm exhausted. I can control my irritability levels when I'm fresh and had enough sleep. I don't think this is uncommon in people. If there was some way I could stay chilled all the time, I would welcome the knowledge. Right now all so can do is try to stay cool, get plenty of rest and exercise.

This really worries me toomanylols. It's a direct instruction to let him behave like a special snowflake concentrating solely on himself and expecting you to do all the work and take whatever consequences he wants to give out with no prior warning. It's worded so reasonably. Too reasonably. It's aimed at making sure you are disarmed and put on the back foot and will accept, and feel you must and should accept, whatever digs or anger he dishes up.

Those eggshells are what you need to pay attention to. Trust your instinct before he replaces it with his manipulation. I know it's a bit of a MN cliche but when he tells you who he is, listen.

"The problem is, I am no shrinking violet myself. I'll stay quite in from of people, but when we're on our own we could fight for days over it. Which is what we do. "

Look, I'm not really sure about this bit.
Is what you are saying that you basically go at each other the whole time? But that your problem with him is that you want him not to do it when family are around?
Because at that point I think you would be better served dealing with why the two or you spend your whole time taking cheap shots at each other rather than blaming him for not playing nice when people can see.
Would your normal interaction involve pulling faces at him and him snapping back? Because if that is the case that's a relationship problem that both of you need to look at.

Agree with Pag.

I think you might both need help with your relationship and how you interact with each other. You have a 14 month old and a new baby on the way, this is no environment in which to raise young children.
You are both going to be tired and overwhelmed at times, you need to be able to trust your partner and not walk on eggshells.
TBH the relationship sounds very emotionally unstable at the moment with your DH making his little nasty digs and you telling him to keep the fuck away.
Have you considered getting some relationship support/couple counselling?

I agree with Pagwatch. I'm not sure why you are only upset with him saying things in front of your family. An argument that goes on for hours over whether or not you meant to roll your eyes while pouring Diet Coke is wrong wherever it starts. The problem is not him being unable to hide how he normally behaves, it's either him always sniping and putting you down unnecessarily, or you both being just as bad as each other, but you wanting to be more secretive about it.

If you're having to teach him such basic relationship rules you've got a problem. Is he worse in private. I bet you're family really feel for you but don't say anything.

He's not a bad guy

Aw, bless. He IS a bad guy if he is training you to be happy in an abusive relationship. Mathanxiety's post has it in a nutshell.

"If there was some way I could stay chilled all the time"

That's a straw man. You didn't ask him to stay chilled all the time, you asked him to stop being rude to you. My dh's been very stressed at times, we both have, that's life, but we do not humiliate each other in public or anywhere.

Yes, I think Pagwatch sums up my take on this, but we obviously can't tell completely from what you have said so far.

I don't agree. She says she walks on eggshells and that she doesn't just shoot from the lip despite working long hours and being pregnant and having a small child. The argument where she finally wrested that 'apology' out of him took hours.

When you are being stonewalled (see the 'apology' as an example of this) or told to 'shutup' and 'stop nagging' when you want to get an acknowledgement from someone that they humiliated you in front of your family (something a five year old might understand if he did it) you are going to keep on trying while the abuse is still fairly new and you haven't been completely ground down by it.

Your rational brain craves reason and rationality in your opposite number. When you deal with someone who is completely ego driven and does not care who he hurts or how, you find yourself being driven to establish a common ground or a common language or some sort of understanding in the other person about how they make you feel, and an admission that their words are chosen and that they have an effect - that they could choose different words and have a different effect. You want the relationship back. You want all the promise it once held.

It's hard to explain. I think I am failing miserably. Basically the effort of trying to get through to someone for the umpteenth time drives you nuts. You keep on trying though, because you hope they will hear you and understand and stop the put downs or whatever it is that they claim they can't help doing or whatever it is that they blame you for. You do this because you assume they are invested in the relationship for the same reasons you are invested in it - mutual love, mutual respect, hope for the future for your little family, a desire to live harmoniously in the present. It is impossible to wrap your head around the thought that your partner is using the relationship for other purposes. But chances are with someone who is adversarial as this man seems to be, he is.

OP - I think some on here are too quick to call a relationship "abusive". In this situation, if the roles were reversed and it was YOU doing the presumed eye-roll, I doubt they would call it abusive.

What I can see, having been in a similar situation, is someone who has a lot on his plate right now and possibly is not communicating in the right way / being very childish.

I think the fact he has apologised (albeit begrudgingly) and sent you lengthy texts, shows he has acknowledged his behaviour was wrong. The next step is to sit him down and tell him you will not tolerate this behaviour and you want things to change as you will not stay in an unhappy relationship. Then give it some time for him to change... Maybe consider counselling. If he does not then I would leave if you are still unhappy.