Fiancé always decides to snap at me in front of family

[toomanylols]

Hey guys. This is actually really getting me down. I am such a family person and I would do anything for my family. When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them. He's not a bad guy, we have a child and another on the way, but he just has no filter whatsoever. If something irritates him, he just says it. Doesn't matter who is in the room. Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort. If he annoys me I would keep shtum and maybe raise it later. It makes everyone so uncomfortable. And it's always about little stuff. Today we went round to have Sunday Dinner at my mams after he had gotten lovely pressies for Father's Day. She cooked us a lovely meal, I asked him did he want Diet Coke, he said yes please, then he said IF YOURE GOING TO ROLL YOUR EYES THEN ILL POUR IT MYSELF. I was stunned. I did nothing of the sort. No one knew where to look. We ate dinner in almost silence. Once we left then I had it out with him. He apologized said he's really tired (eh me too) said he shouldn't have snapped, he thought I rolled my eyes at him. It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing.

The big question is whether the can control his snappiness around other people, e.g. at work. If he can, then none of his excuses wash.

I'm not trying to decide who has the correct analysis of the OPs relationship.
I'm not particularly bothered if other posters disagree with my question.
Because the thread isn't about which of the random posters responding to the op has correctly analysed the ops relationship from half a dozen posts. There isn't a prize.

I was asking to try and understand better the ops situation which is unique and probably doesn't fall into a neat little box.

This is not a one-off, OneTiredMummmyy. He puts her down frequently in front of her family.
"It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing."

Presumably he has a job and does not treat his boss or his colleagues or his customers or clients like this. How long do you think someone would last in a job if they behaved like this man does?

And that was not an apology. It was what a very spoiled brat might come up with to explain why he was bullying someone in school.

To go back to my previous post about the crazy-making -
I should not have commented on your expression at all.
This is the part that makes the victim want to punch holes in the wall.

She doesn't even remember what sort of facial expression she had. But right there he is still insisting she had one. Why couldn't he drop it? What does he hope to gain from the remark in the first place, but in the second place, what does he hope to achieve from continuing to insist she had a certain facial expression that he took exception to?

Why would he assume she had made some hostile facial expression for him? They were having a nice meal at her family's home. Why would she be harbouring such hostility towards him that she would seek to demean him by rolling her eyes at him? What interest would she have in starting some sort of argy bargy in her mother's house on a pleasant weekend day? He had received Father's Day gifts that morning, presumably from her. Did he think this was because she hated him or was patronising him or seeking to hurt his feelings?
Why does he see her as an adversary?

This is what drives the victim of 'lack of a filter' insane.

Does he shout, threaten with violence, is indeed violent?

There is so much more to abuse than this simple scenario. Abuse can be very subtle.

He is not a good husband or father. He's a controlling abusive pathetic one. I'm sure you wanted a better father for your kids.

They do this so eventually you spend less and less time around your family as it is to stressful.

I'm not being hysterical

He sounds horrible and his text was pathetic. I just posted how I felt. I'm sure you'll get over it.

I think NavyandWhite has the best response so far, it's pretty much in keeping with what I said in my previous post.

Not sure this thread warrants all the "LTB" comments.

He sounds like a tit. YANBU

Snapping does happen, but when it's at the stage that you are walking on eggshells and then arguing for a long time, something is very wrong and it's unhealthy for you and for your children (and for him!)

I think that maybe you need to see actual evidence that he's controlling his irritability better. it does mean tht LTB is one option on the table, but not the only one. Maybe agree to see how it is in 6 months, but that it -must- be better than it is now and that you need to feel that you can trust him so that you're not on eggshells.

Personallly I think he needs to know that this could split you up if it carries on like this.

Perhaps he could also get support; a bit of counselling/therapy; if possible, rearrange things in his life to reduce some of the stressors (if possible!); even take up some sort of sport where he can bleed off frustration / irritation.

Can you usually talk to him, really communicate, or not? Really communicating can help.

His lengthy 'apologetic' text was basically a thinly veiled warning that if he gets tired and irritable, he could kick off again.

He seems to be implying that this will be your responsibility (to make sure he doesn't get stressed), rather than his. No wonder you are walking on eggshells

My dad was like this - mum mostly put up with it which gave the rest of us a shining example of how to be an effing doormat. He loved to belittle us and in front of an audience it was more enjoyable for him/mortifying for us. Don't put up with it and instruct your family to tell him straight every time he's out of order. It's bullying - if you let it go it validates it and gives them permission to carry on - not doing you any favours. Don't be a doormat. If he excuses it by saying he's tired, reply firmly that you're tired too but you still treat others nicely. You must put him in his place. No it's not nice - but he's not being nice either.

The walking on egg shells OP is exactly what I did in my first marriage,know matter what I did I was always blamed for his failings(despite the fact that I did everything for him and our 2 very young DC)and that's what they were his failings,I was his wife not his clone!I didn't make him behave the way he did,he chose to behave in that way,he chose to mess things up not me.

The text message didn't come across as an apology at all.It's like someone saying I'm sorry BUT,if someone is really sorry they say so they don't make excuses at the same time(he's tired,your a parent mate,welcome to the club)and then he lays the blame solely back at your feet e.g. I should not have commented on your expression at all.

And OP the fact that you talk about leaving him and the one thing that's stopping you is worrying about how you would cope( and you would cope just fine)tells me that you know what he's doing is not right and there's really no excuse for his behaviour.

How is that a sorry?!

If he thought you were rolling your eyes at him, then he must have thought you were being critical of him. Why? Did he explain why he thought you disapproved of his request for Diet Coke?

There are an awful lot of uses of the word 'I' in his text. He is only interested in you and the children as a possession to make him happy. Your email is a balance, albeit expressing some strong negative emotion.

Fighting for days over things will damage your children.
You both need to stop and think about how your behaviour in your relationship will affect them.

Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort.

You need to stop being mortified.

If you're not committed to leaving him, I'd be - loudly - letting him know on each and every occasion I felt remotely irritates by him.

He seems to think it's a one way street.

OP states he always shouts at her in front of her family.
He makes a point of doing it. In front of her father, in her fathers house.

Its shows a complete lack of respect for everyone else there, its a power game. Its not tiredness. Its not a misunderstanding.
Stop making excuses for it.

Its one way controlling people have of separating you from your family and friends.
It is not up to people to prove the other person is a risk, it is up to them to prove they are safe.

While this was clearly an uncomfortable thing for the OP, I actually think the responses on this thread are way OTT.

Unless there's a huge amount of backstory that you're not giving, he misread something - thought you rolled your eyes at him - and snapped as a result and then apologised afterwards. Have you never done that?

Also, your post is littered with reasons why your family is more important than him. Your mam cooked a lovely meal for him and he should be grateful. You'd do anything for your family. You're "such a family person". You're going on holiday with your family (you're an adult with your own family - why do you need to go on holiday with your birth family like a child? I have never understood people who do this; most people grow out of this when they become an adult). Does he get a say in any of this, or is it taken as read that your family comes first? If the snapping is around your family, there's probably a VERY good reason for it.

Before everyone jumps to scream "abuse, LTB", let's hear a little bit more about the family dynamics, because to me it sounds absolutely stifling for an outsider.

Mine does this in front of his family though, all of them i feel very alone then he will say something like being too sensitive or all in my head

Just nip it in the bud straight away so it doesn't escalate, but in a non-confrontational way. If you don't it'll only get worse.

Why are you texting each other about this? You both sound very immature.