Fiancé always decides to snap at me in front of family

[toomanylols]

Hey guys. This is actually really getting me down. I am such a family person and I would do anything for my family. When my family are all together my other half can't resist having a pop at me in front of them. He's not a bad guy, we have a child and another on the way, but he just has no filter whatsoever. If something irritates him, he just says it. Doesn't matter who is in the room. Whereas I would be mortified to do anything of the sort. If he annoys me I would keep shtum and maybe raise it later. It makes everyone so uncomfortable. And it's always about little stuff. Today we went round to have Sunday Dinner at my mams after he had gotten lovely pressies for Father's Day. She cooked us a lovely meal, I asked him did he want Diet Coke, he said yes please, then he said IF YOURE GOING TO ROLL YOUR EYES THEN ILL POUR IT MYSELF. I was stunned. I did nothing of the sort. No one knew where to look. We ate dinner in almost silence. Once we left then I had it out with him. He apologized said he's really tired (eh me too) said he shouldn't have snapped, he thought I rolled my eyes at him. It all sounds so petty but this happens all the time. It's so embarrassing.

oh and I didn't read the whole thread but since then have seen about coming on holiday. well no holiday and if he doesn't improve see what happens.

My mother divorced my father after he dropped my brother (1 year old) and broke his arm whilst drunk (father was alcoholic) so you can reach the point of things getting unreasonable. This situation, in my view is getting that way. In fact to be honest I think OP was foolish to agree to marry him let alone have another baby with him but that's beside the point.

Read mathanxiety's posts. They explain exactly why this sort of behaviour is so insidious. The individual example sounds like nothing at all, but if the OP is treading on eggshells around her DH to avoid this reaction, never knowing what might trigger such a reaction then I believe she has a problem. All husbands and wives snap at each other from time to time, but In a healthy and loving relationship this is usually followed by a voluntarily given apology - "I'm really sorry, I totally over-reacted. Don't take any notice of me I'm just really tired/over-worked/ whatever". The OP's DH's text would not fall into this category. Having lunch with your parents on Father's Day is pretty standard behaviour I would think. The OP says it all sounds so petty, but this kind of behaviour always does when you look at individual incidents. It's very, very hard to put into words which is why victims of this kind of abuse find it so hard to admit what is happening even to themselves. My feeling is that the OP feels this is not right - that's why she has posted. I would urge her to read mathanxiety's posts again and say trust your instincts. And talk to your family - they witnessed his behaviour. Instead of covering it up for him and brushing it under the carpet ask them honestly what do they think.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him

And so will your dc if you don't make his unacceptable behaviour a dealbreaker now.

Stick to your guns; he doesn't get to spoil go on your family holiday and he can spend the time working out strategies to stop himself being an irritable and unreasonable cunt otherwise your engagement will be off and you get to keep the ring.

FGS don't marry this man unless or until he resolves his issues and modifies his behaviour.

Looks like User's comments keep getting removed! but yes I am new to this. I don't mind giving extra info but not when someone is clearly having a dig at me

'Read mathanxiety's posts. They explain exactly why this sort of behaviour is so insidious.'

Yes I agree. Nothing weird to me about this thread - I have heard of partners doing this belittling behaviour in public. Not easy to articulate and confront. Very passive aggressive behaviour I think.

I don't know before I thought user had a point actually, but don't know what the deleted posts said.
What he said doesn't seem that bad tbh, and from what you've said it sounds like your probably as bad as each other.
As pp said, there's usually 2 sides to every story and on this occasion I imagine there probably is. You do sound quite hard work OP.
Mountain and molehill spring to mind. He said 'if you're going to roll your eyes at me I'll get it myself'. And you admit you might have been pulling a face at the time. This should have been easy to sort out.

Hownottofuckup

I never made any face at him. My sister was telling me an unsettling story so maybe I was making a face but I certainly never rolled my eyes. I asked him would you he like some Diet Coke as I was pouring myself some. This sort of stuff happens all the time. It is very hard to explain. And am I wrong to be human and show emotion when he treats me like this? I just won't get angry in my mothers house because I have respect. I came home the other night from a 12 hour shift and hadn't seen my baby in 2 days because of the hours I work, I was so absorbed in playing with her and kissing her that I didn't hear him trying to make conversation with me. Next thing he's shouting calling me ignorant. It's just like he loses his temper in 2 seconds. He's never been physical but he has been very intimidating (stomping around, threatened to break the door down once when he was really annoyed) I am not saying I am prefect. I probably annoy the life out of him too. But when his family come to visit they generally stay 5 days at a time, I organize lovely days out for all of us. I wouldn't dream in a million years of saying anything out of turn in front of them. He has however had a few pops at me, once over a shopping list, once over a pack of burger buns, it's so silly it's laughable but this is genuinely what he has a go at me over. He is a loving father and would do anything for our dd but he just cannot control his snappiness. I honestly could probably live with it because he is so remorseful afterwards but when he does it in front of my family and ruins their day or their holiday that's when I draw the line. Truth is I am embarrassed that people know what I put up with

Lot's of very conflicting advice, must be very confusing. I think a bit of time to weigh up your options is needed. Or have you already made your mind up?

Gosh no I haven't made my mind up. I wish it were that simple. He's not all bad. We do have our good times but we can have very very bad times. He had a good heart and he means well he just can't control being an arsehole every now and again

toomanylols - why do you think this is all you and your dc are worth?

You seem to be a bright, articulate woman, with a job and a loving family, yet you are living in (& subjecting your dc to) a hostile environment.

Surely you can see that life would be simpler, less stressful and nicer for your children to grow up in a home free from a carpet of eggshells to walk on?

I would put it to him as simply as that.

You deserve a better life than the one you currently have with him, so he sorts him self out (with proper counselling &/or therapy) or he buggers off.

Was he like this pre child since you say always?

He seems like he just enjoys getting at you and making you feel shitty.

I do love him. But I'm not in love with him. He causes so much stress and grief in my life but I feel I wouldn't cope without him as he collects our dd when I'm working shifts, he puts her to bed, he gives me a break when I need a lie in. As I said, he's not all bad, it's just at times he will kick off

Sorry to moan on about it. It's good that you are giving me unbiased honest opinions because my sister will just advise me to leave him and none of my friends know what he's really like

Btw, what does OP mean?

OP = original poster, the one who started the thread. So it's YOU!

Can't i? I'm sure many people stay with partners for all the wrong reasons. I am so tired at the moment as im still in my first trimester I cannot imagine how I will cope with 2 under 2 on my own. Is that so bad of me to say?

OP means Original Poster, which is you in this case :-)

If you left him, he would still have to do parental duties like picking up the kids etc; they're still his children.

Sausagerollers, if you are bringing counseling into the fold, OP must take part too. Both partners must attend relationship counseling or it just doesn't work.
Do you have a healthy love life together OP?

I agree you can't stay with him if you feel as you do for the rest of your life. Until you've really taken the time to work with him on your relationship, you will never know if these feelings change. From the sounds of it you're not ready to throw in the towel. So working together is the next step. He seems to have anger issues and these are things he will need to work through.