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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed by MIL gift

214 replies

Halle71 · 16/06/2016 09:43

I will precede this post by admitting that I am a bit OCD about our house after a 1.5 refurb, and my MIL and I have not always got on but we are ok now although my DH is a bit twitchy about us.

It's my DD's 7th birthday on Sunday and various packages have been arriving from Amazon for her from my MIL who lives in NZ. Today my DH told me that the main package is due today - a keyboard.
That's cool I think. Until he shows me the link. It's almost a metre wide with its own stool. Her room is in the loft with no free wall - bed, full length wardrobe, juliette balcony and chest of drawers so it would have to go somewhere else. Our house is big by London standards but not huge and we don't really have any spare place for it to go. Don't get me wrong, the new kitchen diner where we spend most of our time, is filled with toys, but they are tidied up at night and again, there is nowhere it can go neatly against a wall (I also think that these keyboards are ugly and she will get bored and it will just gather dust). The other packages are learning tools for it so she is expected to learn to play it properly. I told my DH that I'm not helping (we can barely fit homework and swimming lessons in the time we have available) and he said she can teach herself. If it was that easy piano teachers would be redundant!
It will also be the cause of endless arguments with her and my 3 year old DS yawn...
It sound overly dramatic but it is a present that will just make my life harder.

I'm pissed off that she didn't talk to us - I would have suggested a smaller, cheaper 'starter' keyboard that she could use at the dining table or office desk.
She also has 'form' for this - the trampoline that arrived unannounced for her 4th birthday when we were in our old house with its 15' garden - all 10' if it. Sat in our hall for 2 weeks waiting for Amazon to pick up. Oh, and they had been to our house so not like they were thinking NZ gardens.. And as for the crazy battery toy animals she insists on buying - we spent £11 on batteries for the bloody dog last week!
I get that she wants to give surprises but when it's something with practical implications I think it would be polite to check. My mum wouldn't dare do this Smile

OP posts:
PumpkinPies38 · 16/06/2016 10:31

We can't help her learn while fending off a three year old

I'm sorry- you sound absolutely crackers. One of you can't help your daughter learn whilst the other fends off a three year old? This is too weird.

If your daughter wants the keyboard give it to her. Then thank your MIL and try to not be so uptight and controlling. Does your FH support you in all this or does he really think you're a controlling PITA?

GipsyDanger · 16/06/2016 10:31

Ignore the harpies on here. I don't understand why your mil couldn't have just picked up the phone and asked! "Hey, thinking of buying dd a keyboard, is that something she'd like?"

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/06/2016 10:32

Yes MIL could have checked first but you don't need to leave it out all the time. A birthday surprise, a bit of plinky plonk keyboard dabbling, a few snaps for Grandma and then DD might get bored and then you pack it away. Making your life harder, come on.

rogueantimatter · 16/06/2016 10:32

She could set it on her bed and sit on the floor to play it.

Skittlesss · 16/06/2016 10:32

Put it in front of the balcony doors. Your child is too young to have access to a balcony, especially from the top floor of the house!!

PrimalLass · 16/06/2016 10:33

Well heaven forbid you add one other small thing for your DD on top of all this that all parents do.

And of course you know all about the OP's situation.

If I had to 'add one other small thing' on top of everything else that we all do as a family, then I'd probably combust. If I'd chosen that one thing then it would be my fault, if someone else had just decided I was going to do it I would be very pissed off. I'm hanging on by a thread as it is, with my children's sport (hours and hours), volunteering, trying to do two jobs...

OP, stick it in her room somehow and let her play with it.

Buckinbronco · 16/06/2016 10:34

I wouldn't worry about it. She's in NZ just send it back

Lifeisontheup2 · 16/06/2016 10:35

You all think you have it hard, my PIL bought our three DC's a big illustrated bible each for Christmas one year, they cost about £40 pounds each and are the family bible types. They were 11, 13 and 14 years old at the time!
Fortunately we were pre warned and so could let the children know that they had to say thank you politely under pain of death. Grin

It's become a bit of a family joke now they're all adults.

rogueantimatter · 16/06/2016 10:36

The stool is more of a pain than the keyboard IMO.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/06/2016 10:38

Book a weekly Skype session with MIL where DD learns the piano with MIL's help. If she suggests DD practice, book supported practice with MIL too.

You know she loves your DD, she thinks it is OK to buy presents that eat someone's time and commit them to a regular thing, so why would she object?

Or you could just buy MIL a saxophone and supporting learning materials for her birthday. Or a puppy (joke obviously).

rogueantimatter · 16/06/2016 10:39

Perhaps you could get your own back on your MIL by insisting she sits through endless Skype sessions of your DD playing beginner tunes at a time that's convenient for you. Grin

feathermucker · 16/06/2016 10:39

Wow, talk about a first world problem!!

Of course there'll be room.

Biscuit
rogueantimatter · 16/06/2016 10:40

Grin at x-posting

ProfessorBranestawm · 16/06/2016 10:41

YABU for using the phrase a bit OCD - it's a debilitating illness not a character trait or a synonym for being fussy about the house.

A keyboard is a brilliant gift. I thought it was going to be some giant toy. I got my first one age 2 and never looked back, I now teach piano. You don't have to have lessons - just let both DCs play on it and see if they like it.

midsomermurderess · 16/06/2016 10:42

When you say your're 'a bit OCD' what do you mean?

newname99 · 16/06/2016 10:43

If it's arriving by post than you can store it, including the stool.

I think you need to let go, other people are in your daughter's life and they will influence her.It could actually be the start of a fab musical career.

We have a piano and every single child who comes in plays, the toddlers included.

Be grateful you have a mil who wants to be involved.Sure she has her own ideas but you can't be the gatekeeper for gifts, certainly not as your dc's get older.Perhaps others will have different insights to your dc's that you don't.

It is also a gift and it sounds dreadfully ungracious.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 16/06/2016 10:44

I'm highly entertained by all the posters who saw 1.5 x and automatically assumed that X= million rather than X=years.

I've no idea why you are getting a hard time OP.

Your Mil was trying to be kind and thoughtful but has missed the mark.

It is not good manners to buy someone else's child a musical instrument without prior discussion.

It takes up space, time and (considerable) amounts of family money.

It absolutely should have been discussed first.

Blablabla1984 · 16/06/2016 10:45

I understand that you can't love every present your children are given. Just be courteous, say thank you and if you really don't need it either regift it or give it to charity.

HamletsSister · 16/06/2016 10:50

My Dad and sister had form for this. Giant trampoline (blew away, as we knew it would and yet, it was tied down but we live in the wild of Scotland, by the sea). Enormous (two foot long) fluffy pink toy dog (Why? Just why?). I think the gifts were meant with love but they were physically enormous. It made it hard to deal with them.

Let her have it somewhere for a month, and then look at things. Can it live under her bed and be tidied away after a few days of not being used? She might love it, however.

I absolutely see your problem but also feel that her granny wants to be involved and, sometimes, physically large gifts actually feel more generous.

Lweji · 16/06/2016 10:51

For what is worth, I can understand that you're not happy with the present.
But...

Your MIL ordered those things online and may not have fully realised what their size was.

Music can be just as important as sport. It seems to help with maths in the brain and it's seen as good tool to help development. In fact it's part of ds's curriculum in years 5 and 6 (not UK).
Even if you're not musical, I'd encourage both dd and ds to take an interest even if you can't help properly or can afford (time or money) lessons. Particularly if they seem to like it.

One metre doesn't seem too big. Could it fit under the bed, or vertically against a wardrobe, even inside?

I think that when your initial anger subsides, you can find a solution.

In future it may be a good idea to have amazon wishlists with proper specs and sizes and send them to her.

hmmmum · 16/06/2016 10:51

YANBU and I can't believe others' posts. As someone who also lives in a small London property with no spare space, I would find it annoying to receive large gifts where I've nowhere to put them. People who say you can just pop it under a bed or in a cupboard - well I'm sorry but in some homes there is no space even for that, every square inch is taken up.
And the piano lessons thing - piano lessons are really expensive!!! Plus it is one more thing to fit into a busy family life. Wonderful to do it if you want to, but it should be your choice as a parent.
And yes it's a first world problem - but then most problems posted on mumsnet are!! Hmm
Admittedly there are worse problems to have

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2016 10:55

She should probably check before she buys anything big, like a trampoline.

You should probably take that stick out of your arse and relax more.

Unless of course the house refurb actually did trigger a mental illness, in which case your DH should probably have a quiet word with your MIL and explain how it affects you.

SunshineAndClouds235 · 16/06/2016 10:56

did your DD ask for a keyboard & lessons? If so, this is a great gift. Her DGM is supporting her interests. Let her learn and enjoy. If she gets bored. Pack the keyboard up and store it away. I think the Skype keyboard practise is a good idea! Although maybe once per month rather than weekly. it's to demonstrate her improving skills and get encouragement. Perfect for
Everyone.

If she didn't ask for a keyboard or show any interest before this gift was bought it's a weird present. A bit pushy in my opinion. GP should support the child's interests not push interests onto them.

It is annoying when the house gets cluttered. Can you use it as an excuse to clear out some of the older toys and take to charity shop?

I also sense a lot of history here with MIL!

Original poster
Halle71 · 16/06/2016 11:02

Re 'OCD' I was about to write anal but thought it was too rude. Better way of describing me though and wouldn't make light of the actual mental illness.

OP posts:
BathshebaDarkstone · 16/06/2016 11:04

Did your DD express a wish to learn to play the piano? ConfusedA bit like when my DF bought me an exercise bench for my birthday, it sat gathering dust. Hmm