To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

I think the poster making the point about power was spot-on. My mum did this type of thing, she didn't necessarily consciously realise it, but a need to control me was at the root of it. I moved away as soon as possible, and visit rarely.

What behaviour, and what a post! It's too mean and an invitation to MNers to support unkindness and power-tripping.

My DD is 15 next week. She hasn't asked for anything specific, but did at Christmas. I think I bought 3/4 things from the list, but that was as much as I wanted to spend, and she had to save up for the rest, or go without.

Honestly, at 14/15, just buy them what they ask for, within your budget.

I don't honestly see the point of asking, then not buying, or getting a cheaper alternative.

If she wants pants from Hollister, what's wrong with that? To me, it's daft spending £££ on pants, but that's what she wants.

And she doesn't at all sound spoiled, she sounds lovely, to try and enjoy a load of stuff that wasn't what she specifically asked for.

Or, have the conversation prior to the birthday at least

Or, you give her the cash, and she spends it as she she's fit, which may mean that she sees how little the money does actually buy?

It is only a birthday, why would you spend 100's

No one has said you need to spend more than you have budgeted for.

And as to others - what a me me me "entitled" society we live in.

Is it more "Me Me Me" to
a) want gifts we asked for (when the giver did the asking) or
b) ask and then buy what you think the receiver should have?

The rule in our house is

• you say what yoou would like to have.
• you will probably get some stuff on that list but not all of it
• you will also get some 'mystery' items that aren't on the list.

You avoid the 'I want all the stuff that I put in my list' syndrome.

For me, b'days and Christmas are the time when you will get the 'extravagent' stuff people will never get at other times of the year. I can be more expensive stuff/brands or it can be something maybe not that practical but fun for a bit.
So, if the branded underwear was still a reasonable enough price, I would have had no issue buying it.
But I wouldn't have been happy to go over budget either nor would I have been wanting to use these gifts to 'impose' my pov, eg there is no point buying underwear from xxx when stuff from YYY is just as practical and much cheaper iyswim.

Wow didn't expect so many replies! DD is my first and only so not done this before and thankfully won't have to again .

I should clarify that after I'd seen her suggestions I did tactfully point out that if I spent my budget on the things she'd asked for she'd literally have 2 maybe 3 presents, was she OK with that? Her answer was along the lines of 'oh no I love a pile of presents' so I think the little kid in her still wants that even though the grown up teen would prefer 1 or 2 pricier things.

The things she wanted were Calvin Klein underwear (1 pair of knickers and 1 bra = £50). I got Victoria's Secret which she loves but is slightly more reasonable while being nicer than her usual Primark. Make-up wise she wanted an Urban Decay Naked palette. I know that teens love these but if I'm honest it's taken me years to afford decent make-up for myself and it doesn't sit right with me to give a 14 year old something like that - I want her to learn that you earn things like that be working and saving although I appreciate maybe her birthday isn't the time for a lesson.

I really appreciate all these responses especially those complimenting DD who is a lovely girl and not grabby. I think I am a little paranoid about her becoming spoilt - as well as being my only one she's one of only a few nieces/ grandchildren and family members are pretty generous. She's easily got enough to buy several Naked palettes now if she wants to.

I'll definitely give this some thought though, I think it's a very fine line between spoiling in a bad way and spoiling in a good way and maybe I've got that slightly wrong.

I think it's a bit cruel to ask, as she probably thought you were going to get it.
My mum did this to me one year. She implied she was going to get quite an expensive item that I needed so I didn't worry about saving my wages or asking someone else for it. Then she didn't get it for me and I couldn't afford to buy it till it was too late. I was so annoyed.

OP I think your approach was exactly right.

Perhaps in future your DD could make a pinterest account or amazon wishlist with items she would like? I tend to put lots of things on my wishlist as and when I think of them during the year, then my family will buy most of my birthday/christmas presents from there. That way they can choose what they want to give me out of a long list of things I would like, it is always something of a surprise as I can never remember everything on there and I am guaranteed to like it. I know lots of people who do this!

I get what you are saying about the expensive make up. My girls are a couple of years older than yours and always ask for Urban Decay palettes, Mac lipsticks and the like. It's much more than I have ever paid for makeup for myself.

But yes, I do just get them what the want now (though not everything on the list). DD2's present pile was tiny for her17th birthday.

Soup it's a good point.

I think both are an issue.
I also think that been disappointed that you didn't get xx that you asked for but a similar product from YY is normal.

And at the same time, yes at 14yo she is still a child and yes there are still some lessons to be given.

OP you can get the underwear for £30 depending on what type of Calvin klein underwear set she wanted and the make-up I've seen it for £15.

As you say, OP, you will learn a lot from seeing whether she chooses to spend her own cash on eg the Naked palette and expensive undies. We all second guess ourselves, you sound as though the two of you have a lovely relationship. Don't worry!

Sounds like next year you should just say 'I'll buy you a special thing from your list and then a few smaller surprises' – that manages expectations.

I'm sure she was just surprised and maybe slightly disappointed that more of her presents weren't the ones from her list. As I would be. She doesn't sound grabby or entitled.

Yes. YABU.

Why ask her to make a list and then ignore it almost entirely? Either she gets what she is given (which would be weird) and there is no wish list or you asks her what she would like and you buy her some of these items, or at least the one she would like the most, provided it is age appropriate and affordable for you.

Asking her to make a wish list and not getting her any of the item sounds a bit cruel.

Dd wants urban decay. She's not got one yet & I suggested a cheaper alternative but I wouldn't not get her urban decay & get something else even if the palette was her only present.

Oh OP, I just read your update, sorry my pp sounded a bit harsh. I agree it is tricky to balance spoiling in a good v. spoiling in a bad way. I agree that next time (Christmas / birthday) the wish list could be discussed and expectations could be set so that a middd way is found. Your dd sounds lovely btw.

Following your update OP, definitely give her the cash and let her spend it on the things she wants, but she will see how little said cash gets, which is a valuable lesson.

I have a ds. He gives me a list of things he would like, and I am free to pick and choose from the list. He is asked to rank them if there is something he particularly wants, but he knows (and he is 20 now), that he won't get everything off his list.

His list tends to be computer games/PS4 games/books etc, as he is happy with underwear from M&S and Sainsbury.

designer underwear? jeez. I don't think kids should get everything they ask for automatically. If she gave you ideas of what she wanted presumably she didn't expect to get every single thing she mentioned? Personally I think it's a pity to know everything you're getting. Some of it should be chosen by you, and a surprise. Don't worry so much.

I'd LOVE to know where you can get the Urabn Decay Nude pallets for £15 ontheholidays do you have a link?

My dd1 spent £70 on 2 of them at Christmas

I did tactfully point out that if I spent my budget on the things she'd asked for she'd literally have 2 maybe 3 presents, was she OK with that? Her answer was along the lines of 'oh no I love a pile of presents' so I think the little kid in her still wants that even though the grown up teen would prefer 1 or 2 pricier things

^^ This is the issue. The child has to grasp it's an either or thing.

Mine are younger and it's easier to manage their expectations - flat out say we can't manage some stuff or suggest we spread it over Christmas as well but there are few expensive things the want and it's still products they want not labels yet.

Perhaps gift voutures are the way to go - give her some indication of what you can get for the money.

I do get my children things I want them to have - usually it's books I think they might like or take advice a child that age might like - because I want to encourage reading. Not sure when I'll stop doing that probably around 14/15 mark I guess as it's not something I do with adults unless they ask for a book or book series. They do get read at the minute - so currently it works.

Ghosty- I got mine on line. The first one I bought for full whack from Debenhams the second one I got on line for 17 quid.

Yes she can buy her own urban decay i dont actually think you were wrong especially 25 quid for pants and she does like parcels to open as you said soo you gave her nice parcels to open dont let this spoil her birthday for you though