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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

386 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 08:02

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/06/2016 12:48

Thumb- thanks, I missed thatSmile

BurningBridges · 18/06/2016 13:00

^Have you ever heard the saying "you can't put an old head on young shoulders"? Its mean to refer to how children and young people should be supported to grow and learn and allowed to make mistakes rather than needing to be "taught lessons" all the time.

Some people on MN seem to delight in a child or young person being made to feel small or in finding them to be at fault.^

I'm posting this again because I said it last night and I can see there are still people coming on here saying kids need to be taught a lesson, which is exactly the same as saying they need to learn by experience Manon - that doesn't mean a parent or anyone else should set up unpleasant things to happen to them just to "teach" these things.

BurningBridges · 18/06/2016 13:02

I can see a spelling mistake in that (managed to do it twice) - " .. its meant to refer to ..."

Originalfoogirl · 18/06/2016 13:19

Our girl is 7. She does a Santa list. She knows damned well she will not get everything on her list, might not get anything in the list, she will also get things not on the list.! Gifts are exactly that - what another person chooses to buy you. They might ask for opinion but that doesn't make them beholden to buy what you want. At 7 years old if our girl shows even the slightest ungrateful response to a gift, she gets to open no more.

thebestfurchinchilla · 18/06/2016 14:09

I said it last night and I can see there are still people coming on here saying kids need to be taught a lesson, which is exactly the same as saying they need to be taught a lesson

They still will keep saying it because they disagree with you. It's more learning about life rather than 'being taught a lesson' which has negative connotations. You can't always get what you want. Sometimes parents don't approve of some present ideas, it's not just about money, it's ethics too. No way am I buying into CK undies at 15, when they are not superior to M&S. I want my DD to learn that you pay for quality not branding.

SoupDragon · 18/06/2016 14:20

I want my DD to learn that you pay for quality not branding.

All well and good for general day to day living but doing it on a birthday is mean spirited. Birthday presents in general are "out of the ordinary" items you wouldnt normally buy. Treats.

Reebs123 · 18/06/2016 15:04

Why wud u get a 14yr old designer underwear ? I'm sorry but that's too much.

ManonLescaut · 18/06/2016 15:09

There's no need to repeat it BB it's no less toecurling the second time.

I can see there are still people coming on here saying kids need to be taught a lesson, which is exactly the same as saying they need to learn by experience Manon - that doesn't mean a parent or anyone else should set up unpleasant things to happen to them just to "teach" these things

It's not the same thing at all. You learn how life works, you learn boundaries and parameters and realistic expectations along the way. Being 'taught a lesson' indicates bad experience or problems.

And only a twit would think that a present of perfume + Victoria's Secret underwear is 'unpleasant'.

TaraCarter · 18/06/2016 15:15

This thread is an education in connotations. Loads of posters read "designer underwear" in the OP and think it means "Victoria's Secret thongs"; other posters are thinking "Calvin Klein briefs" and others are probably wondering if the OP's DD needs good bras and asked for a Freya Panache sports bra and got fobbed off with a Nike crop top in size large.

ManonLescaut · 18/06/2016 15:38

If you read the thread - DD asked for Calvin Klein underwear and OP gave her Victoria's Secret instead - that's fact not connotation.

TaraCarter · 18/06/2016 15:50

Yees- I know, because I rtft myself. Grin Halo

But because the OP took a while to clarify that point, and because other people didn't rtft after she had, the responses to this thread have been very much shaped by initial reactions to "designer underwear".

loobieloo32 · 18/06/2016 15:54

I had a step mum that used to ask me for a list every year and then deliberately wouldn't get me one thing I asked for, I remember one year all I wanted was a rubix cube (lol at the thought of a teenager asking for this now!), I wasn't allowed any make up at all never mind designer lol . It hasn't damaged me for life, just made me realise she was a bit of a c*nt.

Problem is I tend to over compensate with my sd now, I take her shopping and just let her pick. Some things she chooses I'm like 😯 but if she wants to spend 7 quid on a tiny little pot of spot cream I just let her get on with it. I tend to have a budget in my head and I tell her when she's getting close to it, but tbf her mum has brought her up lovely (well her dad and me too I've known her since she was 3) and she never ever tantrums or expects, in fact her last birthday she kept looking at me during shopping as if to say is this still ok lol I just think by your teens you pretty much know your own likes and dislikes-I personally think cash, vouchers, following a list to the letter (not necessarily all of it) or a shopping trip are the way to go, less margin for error lol

AngieBolen · 18/06/2016 16:03

I think there is a big difference between not getting a young child exactly what they've asked for because you believe they will break it, or not use it for long, and getting a teenager a different brand to what they've asked for. When you're a teenager things which adults think are perfectly fine will be considered tragic.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 18/06/2016 16:47

There are some mad posts on this thread - not least the sheer number arguing against things nobody has actually said... (Not one poster anywhere on the thread has indicated buying everything on a wish list, yet endless people have argued against this fictional view point...)

Adnerb giving experiences as presents can be perfectly lovely, but what studies have shown that buying experiences is "one of the keys to happiness" Hmm

thebestfurchinchilla · 18/06/2016 17:01

All well and good for general day to day living but doing it on a birthday is mean spirited. Birthday presents in general are "out of the ordinary" items you wouldnt normally buy. Treats.
What if it's not suitable for a young girl? Should mums still buy it because it's 'out of the ordinary' and a treat? You still have to parent on birthdays and be responsible, the girl still got nice gifts, she wasn't given an orange fgs!

Nataleejah · 18/06/2016 17:36

An honest discussion prior to shopping about what is the available budget or why certain things are unsuitable would be a sensible approach, instead of patronising attitude.

nannieness · 18/06/2016 18:02

I read all the posts carefully and can't believe the fuss made over what is essentially a present given with love, whatever it is. I was lucky to get more than a couple of gifts let alone a huge list of stuff I expected. Surely you need to teach your kids that a gift is given with love and thought from one person to another and if you don't know what gifts to give to your kids, don't you listen and pay attention to them and talk to them on a daily basis to know what they like and don't. I have taught my daughter and my granddaughter that it's not always about loads of expensive gifts but the time and thought given to picking the most appropriate gift. Saying this I pay a lot of attention to what my loved ones want through everyday conversations and carefully worded questions I suggest you try it and not just take the easy option of asking for a list that you couldn't possible cover everything. Just remember there is always Christmas or the next birthday they don't have to have everything in one go. xx

lovemyway · 18/06/2016 18:33

nannieness

Well said!

Confusednotcom · 18/06/2016 19:14

I think it's v mature of her to want quality not quantity, and act pleased. You could have managed her expectations better... But live and learn! Next year ask her for ideas and ask whether she would like any surprises. My kids are younger but still particular. They are not spoilt but in these days of cheap clothing and cheap toys in the factory shop, primark etc, they have heaps of stuff. They know exactly what they like. If I get them surprises I will be 99% sure they'll like them or ready to say, we can return it! The high street is full of tut, it's good to be discerning.

AngieBolen · 18/06/2016 20:23

I really wanted a SodaStream when I was a teenager.

I was given a soda siphon. Becuase, you know, my parents knew better. And didn't want to waste their money.

The only time I had ever seen a soda siphon it was in the hands of Jerry in The Good Life.

Confused
thebestfurchinchilla · 18/06/2016 21:27

Me too Angie about not getting a sodastream. But have to agree I think mum was right. she felt the same about Mr Frosty and yeah she was right about that too. A load of money for syrup flavoured water!

falange · 18/06/2016 22:44

YANBU. My children could ask for one thing for birthday and same at Xmas. None of this list shite. They usually got it but if I couldn't afford it they got something else. What you've done is perfectly reasonable and will do her no harm at all.

Rachel0Greep · 18/06/2016 23:02

The only time I had ever seen a soda siphon it was in the hands of Jerry in The Good Life.

I'm sorry but this really made me laugh Grin,
Was that Jerry and Margo, or am I thinking of the wrong programme?

JessicaRabbit3 · 18/06/2016 23:05

I used to and still get ten pound off my parents for my birthdays they didn't have a lot growing up. She should be bloody greatful. She got money she get the expensive stuff she wants

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/06/2016 07:44

Rachel - yes, you've got the right one. :)