To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP, if you disapprove of buying her underwear , why not tell her so she can ask for something else?

If the OP had said she couldn't afford the items then she wouldn't be unreasonable, but she could. If she had thought the items were inappropriate and said so, she wouldn't be unreasonable, but she didn't. If her DD had presented her with an unsolicited string of demands and expected them all the OP wouldn't have been unreasonable but that's not the case at all.

The OP simply spent the same money on what she thought her DD ought to like as opposed to what she actually liked for no good reason other than she didn't want to buy those items. That IS unreasonable, and goes against the point of gifting IMO.

I'm curious what you mean by 'designer'. Do you mean brands? Like Mac, benefit etc? Those arent designer.

I generally get people what they'd like/have requested.

If money is an issue then that's anther matter. I would certainly say to my DC that X or Y is too expensive if I felt that.

But to spend the £££ on something they don't want seems a bit .

Birthdays and Christmas are perfect opportunities for giving non essential/luxury items. A bit out of the usual is the point no?

Just out of interest op what were her suggestions and what did you buy?

I really don't understand why you didn't just buy what she asked for when you asked her what she wanted? It's not like she came to you with a list and said "buy me these"

YABU

The op said expensive make up it was the underwear that was designer

But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

But its her birthday, its not like you're splashing out on designer underwear weekly, its a one off.

You said you spent the rest of the budget on other things, why didn't you just buy her the stuff she told you she wanted when you asked? Why bother asking if you weren't?

My family ask me what I want then buy cheaper versions of it which I find really frustrating. I buy generic boots smelliest all year why would I want Baylis and Harding for xmas when I asked for Molten brown?

Op your daughter sounds lovely. Lots of people don't want surprises for birthday/ xmas, they want the things they've been dreaming of/ admiring all year. It's their opportunity to have it, especially as a child without access to their own funds

"it's a small pile this year because what you asked for was expensive"

Exactly, even my 6 year old knows if he asks for expensive presents he'll get less items but he's still got what he's asked for and been looking forward to getting.

I give me teens a budget, I tell them what I am willing to spend on their birthday and they write me a list and keep within the budget. Then they get what they want and what I can afford.

It's pretty simple.

Oh god my mum used to do this.

All I wanted was a pair of adidas poppers - just one pair.

Instead she got me three pairs from What Everyone Wants - 'but don't worry clash, these are better because they have FOUR stripes rather than three'.

"it's a small pile this year because what you asked for was expensive"

This^^

I would much rather spend the budget in what she wanted, than spend the same money on more items but stuff she doesn't want.

The ops only objection is tags she didn't want to spend her money on what her Dd wanted. So why not tell her.

Tbh I do think the 'assert control' is a little over the top. However if a woman posted here saying her dh asked her what she wanted for her birthday, then went and bought stuff she didn't ask for. Some posters would be saying he was asserting his control over her.

I've been on the other side of this several times.

I was asked and I specifically said I would love xyz [very cheap, easily available] item please, it will go with the others I have and that is plenty thank you very much.

The giver had seen the other items in the collection and knew exactly what I meant.

But instead decided to go for a quite different, more expensive and hassle-y to get version of the same thing that doesn't go, looks pretty crappy and made me feel shitty because I didn't want to put it with the collection hence making me appear completely ungrateful.

This has happened in various guises several times. Along with my own family repeatedly buying me stuff I have never wanted or used (e.g. bath stuff - I hate baths, haven't had one since I was a child and they know this). It just feels thoughtless when I go to some lengths to find presents with meaning for the recipient, or that they have mentioned wanting.

I would love a set of designer underwear which I have seen which is £150....never gonna happen. As it is DS normally asks for a dozen xbox games which at 40/50 each is not always manageable so he will normally be asked to list in order of what he wants most. I will try to get the top couple of things on his list and tell friends and family what else he has asked for so if they cant buy him something on the list then they can get him cash or vouchers towards getting other items and we have a day out shopping together. It is always good to see him weighing up the cost of an item compared to the money in his wallet and making a choice...he will have to do it every payday when he is older so nothing wrong with learning this now. It also means he appreciates what he has a whole lot more.

I used to love surprising my DDs with thoughtful, well chosen gifts but once they were teenagers they developed their own tastes and preferences which were often a million miles from what I would have chosen, but that's how it should be. Why would a teenager have the same taste as her middle aged mum?

For many years Christmas and birthdays have been a case of what seem to me quite boring, same old, same old MAC foundations/Benefit gift sets/tights/fairy lights etc. I occasionally add in a little extra like jewellery or a picture I think they will like but it is a lottery. On more than one occasion the surprise was discreetly sold on Ebay the following year. It hurt me a bit, but I know it was sensible and my hurt is probably not as bad as their disappointment was. And I also know that 95% of what my own DM buys me is destined for the charity shop.

NOwadays I stick to what they have said they would like - not all of it. There is still an element of surprise as they don't know exactly which of their choices might come their way. I will still sneak in the occasional surprise as every once in a while I will get it right and re-experience the warm fuzzy feelings I used to get when every item in the Christmas stocking caused squeals of glee.

I'm not sure you can ask what she wants & then not buy it....
DS always knows his budget, say £100 and he can make a list for up to that amount.
Was she asking for too much in money or did you just not like her choices?
Did she know there was a limit to what you could spend?

YABU ..IF she asked for gifts, kept within birthday budget but you just decided you'd buy her something else.

YANBU... IF she just made a crazy expensive list & expected to get everything.

Although if money was a problem, then you could have given her a budget & I don't understand why, when you had a list of things she wanted you would buy her something else!

She doesn't sound spoilt at all, she tried to look pleased so she didn't upset you, which is probably more than any spoilt 14 year old would do.

I don't believe that she gave you the list expecting to get EVERYTHING off it, you asked her for ideas for you and for family so she gave you a range of things. I don't see what's wrong with that or how that makes her spoilt?!

I do agree it was pointless not to buy her what she wanted, her birthday is about what she wants (as long as its appropriate) and not what other people think she should have.

Birthdays & Christmas are the one time you get to splash out on things that you want but are not necessarily value for money.

Why ask what she wants if you got different stuff.

If the perfume was all you can afford fair enough but why not get the actual underwear brand she asked for rusher than a different one.

I'd have bought less items but actually bought from the list.

Sorry OP but I think the fact that you asked her what she wanted and then didn't get (most of) it for her is why she's a bit . I think YABABU to have asked her if you didn't intend to get her the things she really wanted. The crux is you shouldn't have asked her if you believe birthday presents should be a surprise and that children should not expect everything that they ask for (unprompted by you).

Either your literary skills or your comprehension skills are entirely absent

They might well be ( it's early, shoot me!)

I give me teens a budget, I tell them what I am willing to spend on their birthday and they write me a list and keep within the budget. Then they get what they want and what I can afford.

That's what I do too

My parents always used to do this, they'd get a cheaper version of what I'd asked for and a bunch of random stuff to bulk it out, they were / are oblivious and just think that's what I'd really want ...If they ask me now I always say vouchers, much safer and no pretending needed.
I think you know YABU as you feel a little guilty, next year get what's on the list but explain she can only have some of it not all due to the expensive choices or vouchers. I'm sure she will have a lovely birthday and she sounds lovely in how she dealt with it.

I'd have been upset but hidden it as a teenager. I think it's mean to ask if you have an idea what she might ask for and already know you resent spending your "hard earned cash" on what you see as expensive tat. Although you say it shouldn't be about the giver buying things they think the recipient should want/have that is exactly what you did!

I personally think you were perfectly reasonable - you asked for ideas not a bloody shopping list. It is only a birthday, why would you spend 100's. You got her perfume she wanted and some branded underwear you know she likes albeit not the one she listed plus other things that you think she would like (and being her Mum living with her why would you be a million miles off mark) she also has money from other people so she can complete her shopping. I think that is more than reasonable, its not like you went to poundland and raided the bargain basket for goodness sake. And as to others - what a me me me "entitled" society we live in.