To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

I assumed underwear was Jack Wills/holister/CK or similar which is fine for a 14 year old.

Is she your eldest? If so you will squander a lot of money over the next few years if you keep that up! I learned this to my cost and now only buy my DD’s the exact things they asked for because otherwise they will not be worn or used. It is pointless. I am not saying to buy every item on the list, just what fits the budget. But buy the right things.

If my budget was say £100, I'd spend £80/£90 on things she actually wanted and then buy just a couple of small cheap surprises because I know mine like a couple of surprises. I wouldn't waste a big chunk of the budget on things I think she would like. That's pointless.
Don't ask if you think your choices would be better than hers.

Maybe the underwear she wanted wasn't suitable? I'd baulk at buying a 14 year old designer underwear tbh

That's not what the op said though is it. She didnt decide to not buy it because it was unsuitable for a 14 year old.

You may baulk at the idea. But surely you would point that out at the time.

Quint how was it all stuff he wanted and also a surprise at the same time?
Surely you did just what the op did?

As others have said,there was no point in asking what she wanted if you were then going to buy nearly but not quite that.

Why would you buy different underwear to what she actually wanted but from the same brand then spend additional money on something she hadn't asked for?

All those saying she asked for expensive things- really?

OP specifically said that she'd asked as relatives also wanted ideas- even designer makeup is fairly low priced per item at say £15/ £20 compared to say a computer game at £50/ £60.

Presumably she knows she wouldn't get the whole Mac counter, just a few items due to the cost.

id be disappointed if I were your daughter.

Maybe the extra gifts were what the girl usually likes ? Mum was trying to do a nice present selection for her dd
Op next birthday reduce presents and buy less iyswim i can see you wanted to bulk the presents out but sometimes quality is better than quantity. I paid silly money for a fancy pants eyeliner as part of a dds present she could have got a whole boots range for what i paid for a bloody pencil but dd was delighted less is more but really dont feel to bad about this.

Some of the replies on this thread are absolute madness! Suggesting that the OP is 'exerting power' and buying her daughter 'tat'?? If you ask a teenager what they would like for their birthday, they tell you, but of course it's on the understanding that they don't necessarily get all of the things. Some things you would like, some surprises, and the mother of a 14 year old is perfectly entitled to decide that some of the requested presents aren't age appropriate, or a good value etc. Completely depressing to read so many threads suggesting that an innocent 'What would you like for your birthday' question should elicit a list of demands which must be fulfilled. Rant over.

My teens have a limit - I ask what they want and buy them bits up to that limit OR they get a few token bits and we go shopping and they spend their birthday money - it's a waste to buy them stuff they don't want - teens are awkward sods (well mine are anyway) and it's better to let them chose

so I think YAB a bit U in expecting her to like everything you got when you specifically asked her what she wanted then didn't buy that - you probably gave her the expectation that she was going to get x and she got y - I'm sure she likes and appreciates Y but you can understand her expecting X

I very much doubt the perfume was the only appropriate item, though.

I would be pretty upset if someone asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then got me something completely irrelevant and unnecessary, tbh. And I'm not the only one - there are threads on here all the time about people whose wishes have been ignored every year.

And the overwhelming response is the OP isn't BU to want what they asked for!

I remember being at my brothers house when dd and dn were about 6. Db asked them if they would like some crisps and what flavor. Dn said a flavor and db said they didn't have those and to choose something else. I was about to say that I had seen some in the cupboard a few minutes earlier but he quickly shushed me. Later he explained that they were deliberately doing things like this to "teach the children about dealing with disappointment"

I think it depends, did she say she would like something or did she really really want a particular thing?

My mum would do this. She once asked what I wanted from a trip to France, now don't get me wrong I think it's kind for anyone to give a gift, but I asked for a single bottle of a particular wine.

I got a case of cheap wine. Yes I was grateful for the gift but I would really have preferred nothing.

And I also have a thing about underwear, nice underwear so I totally get that your daughter may be disappointed.

If you ask her for a list then obviously she is going to expect you to get her the items on the list, and will be disappointed when you don't.

No honestly I think that's a bit cruel to ask her what she wants and then not buy it OP!

She's only 14 and having a 13 year old DD lots of them do tell they're friends what they're getting for they're birthdays(what they've asked for and they're pretty sure they're getting)I know alot of my DD's friends her age some a bit younger and some older have all done the same,my great Niece did as well,she turned 13 just before my DD and my DD did the same.

Friends get excited for they're friends near they're birthdays and ask them what they're getting.So it could be a mix of why did you ask me and not get what I've asked for and a mix of I've told my friends I was getting such and such and I haven't got it.I know lots of posters will think that doesn't matter but it does now days to a lot of teens.

I asked our DD what she wanted,she told me and I got all the bits she asked for and then we bought her alot of surprises on top.She loved it and was really greatful,she didn't know she was getting any of the surprises we bought her and she was surprised and happy.

I've always asked as they've got older if there's anything they really want,bought that and then surprises on top that we know they'll like.

Lady Stark are you deliberately ignoring the point everyone else is making? If she couldn't/wouldn't afford everything on the list that's absolutely fine and normal - what's a bit weird is to spend the money on other things that the daughter didn't want.

Agree with others - if you wanted to choose what to buy her it was misleading to ask her.

You did rather set her up for disappointment as you must know your own daughter well enough to have known in advance what sort of things would be on her wish list. If she did take you by surprise it would have been sensible to manage her expectations immediately by saying "Oh wow, that's quite a list! I think those are more the sort of things you can spend your birthday money on..." at least then she wouldn't have been excited about the things you'd implied she might by getting by asking what she wanted and not commenting...

DS1 did ask for his own X box for his birthday once and we said no immediately and made a joke of it and he grinned in a bashful way (think he'd just been chancing it, he usually goes the other way and asks for something we'd have bought him anyway, like new football boots and then ends up with more than he asked for!)

Sorry but I do think you were a bit unreasonable. You asked, then bought her one thing she asked for (the underwear was from someone you know she likes not the ones she asked for) and other things she didn't ask for. If it was me I would rather have less of the things I wanted than lots of other bits I didn't ask for. Did the other people who bought for her get her any of the things she asked for?

I would possibly try to manage expectations better and have a chat to say "you know we can't get you everything from this list but we'll get you some of them"

Can't really see why you'd ask what she wants then pay so little attention, tbh. I'd have got what she asked for up to whatever my budget was. If for some reason I wasn't going to do that, I'd either have not asked her in the first place (why bother if you're going to get other things for her instead) or told her when she said what she wanted that I didn't want to spend my money on that.

Designer underwear could be anything- super frilly to Superdry- vastly different.

Normally you have mum buy your underwear from M&S and for your birthday you ask for Superdry I think that's what birthday are about - having the things that you'd otherwise not have?

Yes I can understand her disappointment.

DameDiazepan

I did get her some perfume she'd asked for

Either your literary skills or your comprehension skills are entirely absent.

Later he explained that they were deliberately doing things like this to "teach the children about dealing with disappointment"

This is bonkers, right?!

Lady, A few inexpensive extras for a surprise (cinema voucher and I tunes card) when he got the two things he was really hankering after?

I did not get him the third thing he wanted, a hoverboard. I cannot afford it, and he has nowhere to ride it legally here. Expect in the house, and I dont want him hovering around in the house, and it would cause friction with him and his younger brother.

Op Says "Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

Op got her dd ONE thing out of an extensive list, and spent the rest of her budget on what she thought better. I gave my son 2 out of 3 wishes, and bought him some extras I knew he would like. How exactly is that the same?

I can see why she was disappointed tbh.

Why would you buy underwear from the brand she likes but deliberately get a different set to what she liked?

I wouldn't have asked her tbh. I totally understand that she shouldn't get everything on her list, because it would probably be ridiculously expensive. But I would've maybe got her 3-4 things off her list and said "it's a small pile this year because what you asked for was expensive". She's old enough to understand it. Or maybe you could've asked her beforehand which items she wanted most and focused on those.

And I say this as someone who never asked for specific gifts as a child. I always wanted a surprise! But if I asked someone and they requested a specific item: barring it being unsuitable/ dangerous/ way too expensive, I would always try to get it for them.