To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

I asked for a Mr Frosty and got a soda stream. I did like it except the coke - which was vile and worse than cheap supermarket coke!

I don't think yabu.

It's not like you didn't get her the things she was asking for because you wanted to disappoint her, they were unreasonable requests. She had the option of getting them and nothing else given the price of them.

She is 14. Calvin Klein underwear and urban decay makeup is a bit of a reach. If you have bags of cash to get designer versions of stuff for a 14 year old, fine. But when expensive makeup is a stretch for you as an adult, it's over the top. There are plenty of really good dupes out there that you can barely tell the difference with, and are perfectly appropriate for a 14 year old. When she leaves home she's unlikely to be in a position herself straight away to keep up with that kind of makeup, it's a lot of a budget from a starter income to be spending on makeup. They're consumable items, it's not a one off treat she can keep, when it's gone, it's gone.

I am not judging anyone who does buy these things for a teenager, just to make that clear - but in this instance, I agree with the OP. You got her thoughtful items. She should have been happy with those, not disappointed.

I would hazard a guess she's been gushing to her friends about the list of these grown up things she will be getting to her friends and is more worried about now not having them.

As an aside, my mum would have given me some serious side eye if I had asked for expensive underwear for my birthday at 14. I recognise I may BU and times have changed but I can't pretend not to be surprised that this is a thing at that age!

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I tell my dd how much her budget is and then let her choose. I then buy a few small surprises. Three years ago when she was 14 she asked for designer coat that cost £120. She was quite happy that that would be her only gift so I bought it as well as a few small surprises eg bath bombs, chocolates. I was actually quite proud that she chose one quality thing rather than a load of tat (someone mentioned quality not quantity in an earlier post). She loved it and three years on she still wears that coat. I think a 14 year old can make her own decision as long as she knows her budget.

For me the issue isn't about how much she got or what it cost it's about who makes the daughters decisions. If you dont feel her choices are valid don't ask what she would like.
However as others have said she has shown a great deal of maturity responding to unwanted gifts positively. If she prefers one or a small number of expensive gifts over a pile of stuff and you buy her a pile of stuff whose needs are you really meeting?
That said as a parent the one thing that is certain is we will not always get in right. Why not have a chat with her about what you should do next time to get it right for both of you? It's clear you have her best intentions at heart. Mine are still small and I'm not looking forward to navigating their growing independence as they reach their teens. Yuor clearly thinking hard about how to find the right path, don't beat yourself up.

To be honest I think the Urban Decay pallet around have been the better choice as a main present. It's a quality bit of kit and all the beauty bloggers on YouTube use it so if she's been watching tutorials that's where she would have got the idea from. A perfume can be cheap and nice whereas it's hard to get that level of pigment and wear from cheaper brands of eyeshadow - but I guess you weren't too know.

But the "almost" gift reminds me - a few years ago my mum asked me what I wanted for my birthday, after years of giving me the same (perfume, bath stuff, a keychain, chocolate). I am artsy but poor and never use bath stuff. I asked for a Faber-Castell set and assured her that I didn't want anything else. On the day I got the same combination of perfume I haven't worn since I was a teen, bath stuff, a keychain and chocolate and a box of generic pencils because she thought that Faber-Castell charged too much and it was all the same in the end

The combined cost could have got a really nice art set, especially as the sales were on, but no. Mother knows best

Agree she is well brought up to feign being pleased, but would be better to set a budget and get things from list but not all of them.Wait for the Sales to start and her money will go further.If you mean Jack Wills undies they may be expensive but my 3 children aged 21, 20 and 18 still wear those they had as gifts at the age of 13/14 so it does really last well.

If this post was 'my DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then ignored me' it'd be unanimous. YABU to ask and then buy what you want. Why not buy 1 item that she wants and leave it at that. If she pulls a face tell her what she wanted was expensive so that was the full budget.

Surely you ask what they want. They have a big list. You structure expectations - "that is very expensive I'll have to see about that" and aim to under-promise and over-deliver.

This works okay with DS aged 7.

I don't think you ABU, you may just need to adjust your child's expectations in advance. I hate to waste money on things that I know my children will not play with or that will break easily, (they are 6 and 8.) I ask them what they think they might want but make sure I tell them beforehand that these are just ideas and if they are too expensive or a complete waste of money I will be quite blunt and tell them that I don't expect they will receive that gift, that way they don't get their hopes up too much. My youngest seems to have very definite ideas and was very insistent on a specific toy pram in the past, I was reluctant but as she played with her cheaper pushchair alot I relented, but warned her she would be getting very little else as it was expensive. (Said pram has been used twice in as many years and is taking up room in the back of my cupboard and I don't take her 'really must have' requests so seriously.) I now try to guide them and if they want a game with poor reviews I will suggest one I think is better. If they are still insistent I tell them we will wait until we have played it somewhere else first and see if they like it. ( They often change their mind then.) If it's just the cost of something I will make sure they know the equivalent value in other cheaper toys. However I suspect that when it eventually comes to designer clothes if it's important to them they would still choose the designer clobber. It's all about fitting in with friends or copying your idol. I would probably have got the perfume and the correct pants and then offered to give a percentage of the price of the other clothes, for example the amount you would be willing to spend on a non designer item, and it would then be up to her to either find the difference or buy a non designer version. ( Alternatively take a holiday in Turkey, where she can buy some great knock offs at bargain prices!)

I think YABU. You're making an issue of the fact of it being 'designer' underwear. I'd personally make an issue of it, if they wanted thong/g-strings or something similar, but if it was normal underwear, then i wouldn't see a problem with it regardless of the brand or not. It is a birthday after all. I don't think she's spoilt either.
I'm sure she's happy with buying underwear from wherever you or her buy it from usually. If she was demanding Calvin Klein underwear, everytime she needed a new pair of knickers then yes she would be spoilt.

Also i want to pick up on Bombaybunty's point where they state:
'I'm having a similar dilemma. DS is 14 soon and we have asked for ideas for birthday presents.
The only suggestion has been some 3D thing for his playstation.
It's over £300 so he wants money towards it. I've said no. I cannot spend any more money on PlayStation related things. I refuse'

This is the exact same thing. He's not asking you directly to buy the item, he's asking for money towards it. If you couldn't afford it then fair enough, but you're saying that you refuse to spend money on him because his choice of gift isn't something that you would buy him, or he has enough 'PlayStation related things'. He's a 14 year old boy. It's relatively normal for Children of that age to have a console - not that i fully agree with it - but like it or lump it, that's how it is, i think, also YABU because you're refusing to buy him it because he has enough.

Rant over