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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

386 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 08:02

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/06/2016 09:53

should clarify that after I'd seen her suggestions I did tactfully point out that if I spent my budget on the things she'd asked for she'd literally have 2 maybe 3 presents, was she OK with that? Her answer was along the lines of 'oh no I love a pile of presents' so I think the little kid in her still wants that even though the grown up teen would prefer 1 or 2 pricier things

See imo if you had put that in your OP the thread would have been slightly different.

Next year just give money and a little thing to open. Makes life easier.

KaosReigns · 16/06/2016 10:02

Today mum asked me what I want for my birthday. I suggested a few different items I would like ranging from $20 - $45, if she then went out and got me something else hells yea I'd be disappointed.

Are you sure her 'list' wasn't just offering a range of things she might like rather than asking for it all?

At 16 my mother and I had vastly different tastes, and I have many items she brought me that she thought I would like hidden stored away. Always acted grateful of course.

BonerSibary · 16/06/2016 10:03

Make-up wise she wanted an Urban Decay Naked palette. I know that teens love these but if I'm honest it's taken me years to afford decent make-up for myself and it doesn't sit right with me to give a 14 year old something like that - I want her to learn that you earn things like that be working and saving although I appreciate maybe her birthday isn't the time for a lesson.

That just seems a completely ridiculous and arbitrary attitude. Why, exactly, should a £38, 12 eyeshadow compact only be obtained via working and saving? At £38, it's not an unrealistic amount for a single present for a big birthday even if not from you. Perhaps her mates would all go in on it, why is this less valid than her getting a job to pay for it? It sounds like you spent more than £38 on her overall, so if she'd said this is what I want and I'd rather have this and nothing else if necessary (I realise she didn't) would you have said no on principle? What about if she'd asked for six Rimmel duos instead? Or ended up with that many as surprise presents. Slightly more expensive, same number of colours, slightly more eyeshadow. Is that ok, or does that not sit right either? Seems a very strange principle to adhere to.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 16/06/2016 10:10

My mum always used to do this, at birthdays and Xmas. She would ask for a list of suggestions (I never expected anything, and knew we did not have lots of money so to be honest it was almost always books/CDs) and then ignore it or buy my sister my suggestions instead.

I remember the only thing I'd asked for one year was a particular CD, and she didn't want to get me it but wouldn't say why. I ended up with something else, and I was disappointed.

It always made me feel like dirt; like I wasn't important. Why ask for a list? No child writes a Xmas/birthday list with the assumption they'll get everything, surely? It's fantasy and wishing, but some of it might be accessible.

"basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on." Why?

AprilSkies44 · 16/06/2016 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/06/2016 10:10

Have just googled and that Urban Decay palette is gorgeous.

PumpkinPies38 · 16/06/2016 10:12

There's no point spending your money on things you want her to want. You'd be better off choosing from her list and just buying a few items from there. Of course she was disappointed! When she gave you her list (which you had asked her for) did you tell her then you didn't agree with the items on there or did you allow her to believe you would buy things from that list then surprise her on the day? You sound really cruel to be honest and that's why you're posting here because you know you messed up. You shouldn't have led her on implying you would get her what she wanted.

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 10:12

I do definitely think her list was suggestions rather than 'I'm expecting all of these'. I get her to keep an Amazon or Pinterest board with ideas but she has no expectation of them all being bought, some have been on there ages!

As an aside I'd be very surprised if the £17 UD palette mentioned up thread was genuine.

OP posts:
situatedknowledge · 16/06/2016 10:12

It's really lovely of you (and becoming rare on MN) for an op to come back and acknowledge responses positively. Best of luck Flowers

Dancergirl · 16/06/2016 10:14

I think I am a little paranoid about her becoming spoilt

Aww she sounds lovely OP and so do you. I also worry about spoiling my dc, but I think sometimes it's to spoil them a bit if YOU want to. If they constantly demand for stuff that's one thing but to treat them on their birthday if you have the finances that's ok in my book.

Hope she has a lovely day.

drspouse · 16/06/2016 10:17

OP I cannot understand your attitude. "What do you want for your birthday?" "X y and z". "Tough you're not getting it."

There's a difference between: "Write me an exact shopping list of what exactly you want for your birthday with brands and web links" and "Tell me the kind of thing you want for your birthday"

If they OP said the latter but got the former then SINBU at all.

And it is not U at all to ask her if she'd rather have more presents, get her one thing specifically from the list and downgrade a few items so there are more things in the pile.

I would buy myself an Urban Decay palette (in fact I have one) with my own very hard won money (maybe something she and you can save up for together?) but £50 for one bra and knickers!? YANBU at all.

PumpkinPies38 · 16/06/2016 10:17

I'm shocked you didn't get her the eyeshadow palette on grounds that you didn't get decent make up until you were older or something like that? It's s birthday lighten up!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 16/06/2016 10:18

I think you were mean about the pallet. Teaching her a lesson on her birthday is unnecessary and your reason for doing so is petty and selfish.

It would be totally different if you couldn't afford it but you made a conscious decision not to get her something she wanted because you never got expensive make up you wanted.

I think if you ask you should be prepared to say no and why not at the time of asking.

My mother would often do things like this and buy things she perceived to be "better" or "more suitable" than what I had asked for. They were usually much more expensive than the thing I'd wanted and it rankled. But mostly it made me sad. Sad that she didn't value my opinion and sad she didn't understand me.

So I am a bit biased on this point I know!

TheNaze73 · 16/06/2016 10:18

Well said situatedknowledge My sentiments exactly. Fair play OP Flowers

WomanActually · 16/06/2016 10:24

I love my Urban Decay Naked palettes, I'm saving for the the Naked 3 one.

There's some for £15 on ebay but they are mostly fakes.

Other companies do very very similar palettes, w7 and Superdrug ones have great reviews but I'm not so keen on the w7 one, it's very crumbly and chalky.

I picked my pallets up at the duty free with left over euros. (Which is what I'm hoping to do for number 3)

ProfessorBranestawm · 16/06/2016 10:34

I tend to think that presents should be surprises for the most part, I don't really like the idea of asking for lots of ideas as that can end up seeming more like a shopping list than a wishlist, if it's not explained outright that it is only for ideas. IYSWIM. Mind you my DCs are younger so it could all change. My DSCs are teen/adult now though and apart from when it's been time for a new phone, they've always had surprises.

UptownFunk00 · 16/06/2016 10:36

I'd have got one of the nice designer items and let her buy the rest if she wanted them.

Pythonesque · 16/06/2016 10:37

Well I've a daughter who is nearly 14. I'd be unimpressed if anyone got her makeup for her birthday and horrified if it was a fancy extensive set!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 16/06/2016 10:41

I don't think a child should get everything they ask for - but I do think that if you ask for a list then the expectation is that you'll buy off it.

If your budget stretched to what she actually wanted then tbh I think it's a bit daft to buy other stuff. It's ok if it's a book or something but otherwise it's a waste of money.

Dancergirl · 16/06/2016 10:41

I'd be unimpressed if anyone got her makeup for her birthday

Why??

PrimalLass · 16/06/2016 10:41

I think you were unreasonable about the makeup palette tbh. If she was that specific then you've probably wasted your money buying other things instead.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 16/06/2016 10:43

'Horrified' if someone bought your daughter and extensive make up set? For her 14th birthday?

Is that not a tiny bit of an overreaction?

RaeSkywalker · 16/06/2016 10:47

situated, exactly! Well done OP.

r.e the Urban Decay- I personally think that this is ok for birthdays/ Christmas. She doesn't have to have a full face of expensive makeup, but the odd 'special' item on a special occasion is fine (in my opinion) and I don't think it would be spoiling her. On the plus side, she might be put off buying really cheap makeup if she has a couple of good quality items, and decide to save to buy a smaller quantity of nicer stuff- unlike most of us who spent our teen years with orange he faces from cheap foundation Blush

noramum · 16/06/2016 10:49

Hm, difficult. If I ask somebody what they like to have and if it is not totally over the top I get it.

I think I would have given her a small amount of the items from the brands she wanted, showing her that they are too expensive for more.

We normally try to get what is on DD's list plus a couple of things she needs like a new bag or a book of a series she enjoys. I like gift lists, makes shopping easier and avoids disappointments. What is the point of spending a lot of money if I buy things the receiver doesn't need or want?

ipsogenix · 16/06/2016 11:07

It sounds as thought it would be worth having a chat about why you thought her choices were not appropriate. She would probably value your wisdom and it might help her avoid some expensive mistakes in future.