Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

386 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 08:02

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP posts:
kelda · 16/06/2016 08:14

I would have spoken to her before now about the list, and say that you are not going to buy her what she wants, and tell her why. Then come to some sort of compromise.

claraschu · 16/06/2016 08:14

I have a 14 year old too, and I told her ahead of time she wouldn't be getting an iPhone, which I knew she wanted, to avoid disappointment. I think I probably usually buy presents which are surprises and let them know ahead of time about specific things they want. Mine rarely have anything they want though, except the 14 year old, who wants lots of things but tends to forget what she wanted pretty quickly.

I think you did well, with a balance of things she asked for and nice surprises. I wouldn't want to spend money on expensive makeup and underwear either, so I am on your side!!

I wish they were still overjoyed little children at moments like this.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 16/06/2016 08:15

She did buy what she asked for! Just not all of it Hmm
Do your kids expect to get everything from their wish list on birthdays?

gamerchick · 16/06/2016 08:15

Never ask that question then ignore the answer, you wouldn't like it if it was done to you. Nobody on this thread would like it despite what names they're going to call your daughter.

Don't ask in future.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/06/2016 08:15

Just lost my postHmm I'll try again...

I wouldn't have wasted money on perfume she didn't want.

Imo birthdays are about having things you wouldn't normally get. I don't want to spend money on half the stuff I buy ds but I do because he will like it.

Lady - she doesn't sound spoiled, she clearly made the effort to seem pleased.

Teens have always coveted fancy stuff ,I did 30 years ago and nothing's changed.

Gardencentregroupie · 16/06/2016 08:15

She got one thing from her list (perfume), a bunch of tat things she didn't ask for or want which cost the same as the things she actually wanted, and is being gracious about it. How is that entitled? I think she seems very mature.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/06/2016 08:15

LadyStark she got one thing from her list, then decided she wanted to buy her DD other things she didn't want as opposed to a couple more thing she'd asked for.

If the budget was £100 and that meant DD could get 4 items off her list, surely that's better than 10 items she doesn't want and won't use?

If you can't be spoiled on your birthday, then what's the point?!

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 16/06/2016 08:16

Perfume and underwear, that's 2. And could have easily reached £60+

SoupDragon · 16/06/2016 08:16

If your birthday budget is £100 it matters not one bit if it's spent on 3 expensive items or 10 cheap ones.

Birthdays are frivolous and about things you wouldn't normally have. DS got Calvin Klein pants for his birthday, he usually has Primark.

HermioneJeanGranger · 16/06/2016 08:17

The underwear isn't the one she asked for, though.

SoupDragon · 16/06/2016 08:17

Perfume and underwear, that's 2

Only the perfume was what she had asked for. So, one.

Noodledoodledoo · 16/06/2016 08:21

I have in laws who insist/nag for lists each birthday/Christmas. Who then ignore them completely! So I now just give vague ideas and nothing specific - they like specific items on the list!

QuintessentialShadow · 16/06/2016 08:21

HA!
So many times we have grown women here complaining that their DP ignored their birthday wishes and bought their partners what they wanted them to have, not what the birthday person herself wanted.

And here we have a mum who complains that her dd is upset that her mum has ignored her birthday wishes and instead bought her what she should have.

I remember when dh bought me a handheld vacuum cleaner for Christmas and how that made me feel.

Isnt birthdays about showing attention and care? Isnt birthdays the day when you can be a bit spoilt and ask for something you would not ordinarily get? I buy vaseline intensive care for my body lotion, I would not want to get that for my birthday, I would want the lovely lush Clarins with the pleasant smell that makes me feel great!
Showing that you dont give a toss about what she wishes and impose your wants on her is one hell of a way of celebrating.....

branofthemist · 16/06/2016 08:22

Do your kids expect to get everything from their wish list on birthdays?

no but if I have asked them what they want, I would get them more than one thing they wanted off the list, unless that blew budget.

If Dd wanted designer pants, I would get her them. But it would mean less items to open up. I wouldn't just get her some pants. Especially if I asked her what she wanted.

situatedknowledge · 16/06/2016 08:22

YANU and might want to think about why you felt it necessary to exert your power over your daughter in this way. Think about it now before you completely alienate her. She doesn't appear to be greedy or spoilt, but you completely disregarded her choices.

longdiling · 16/06/2016 08:22

I don't think kids should get everything they ask for but the reason given in the op for not buying the gifts she wanted is a bit weak and unfair. It doesn't read like the op couldn't afford to buy a bit more of what she wanted but that she overruled her because she didn't understand why her dd wanted that stuff and spent the equivalent amount of money on different things. That does seem unreasonable to me.

I just bought my 14yo niece a very expensive contouring kit for her birthday. I think she's bonkers to want such a tiny bit of make up that costs so much but I have spent the same as I always would - she just has less to show for it. I think I'd have been a bit mean to ask what she wanted then disregard it because I wouldn't spend money on that type of thing and go on to spend the equivalent amount of money on stuff she hasn't asked for.

AmberNectarine · 16/06/2016 08:22

I do think you were a bit U.

You asked her what she wanted - I'm sure she didn't expect to get everything she asked for but given that you did ask, she probably thought the budget would be spent on some of the items she did want. As it is, you got her one thing and some other things you felt were more appropriate.

At 14, she is forging her own identity. I would have spent the budget I had on as many of the items on her list as I could afford.

AmberNectarine · 16/06/2016 08:24

And she doesn't sound spoilt, she sounds as though she is trying very hard to hide her disappointment.

scarednoob · 16/06/2016 08:24

I think it was a bit of a mistake to ask what she wanted, as it was understandable for her to think she would be getting presents from that list. not really unreasonable not to buy a 14 year old designer makeup and underwear though.

maybe next time just get her a couple of little surprises and give her cash or john lewis vouchers? then she can learn about budgeting and how many more lipglosses you can get in boots!

kelda · 16/06/2016 08:27

QuintessentialShadow exactly. I have sent my dh a wish list and I will be disappointed if he ignores all of it.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 16/06/2016 08:27

Exert her power over her daughter? Give me strength

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 16/06/2016 08:28

When she gave you the list, why didn't you sit down with her and talk it through as to which things you'd buy?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 16/06/2016 08:29

Maybe the underwear she wanted wasn't suitable? I'd baulk at buying a 14 year old designer underwear tbh

QuintessentialShadow · 16/06/2016 08:29

I did not get my son everything he wanted for his recent 14th birthday. But everything he got was stuff he wanted. His main present was a massively expensive gaming keyboard for his pc, and a new graphics card, then he got some small surprise bits.

He does not have a lot of pocket money, and we dont have much family that will bestow presents on him, and he has a wealthy bit stingy grandfather that begrudgingly sticks him £20 in his hand muttering "kids these days are so spoilt, there is hardly a point of giving them birthday presents as they get everything they want anyway" This is not the case with us, but I realize it is like that for many.

WhisperingLoudly · 16/06/2016 08:29

She doesn't sound spoilt at all Confused

I think you're unreasonable asking and then getting something else. My DH does this and it is utterly infuriating (especially when it is similar but not quite what I wanted and often more expensive)