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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

386 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 08:02

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP posts:
ManonLescaut · 17/06/2016 21:53

Exactly. So she asked for some things that were OTT, and was disappointed. Next year her requests will be more realistic and she won't be disappointed. Job done.

Have you heard the phrase 'Thou shouldst not have been old 'til thou hadst been wise'. Wink

Alexcor · 17/06/2016 22:07

Re read the post. It was the perfume she wanted.

Leefr200 · 17/06/2016 22:15

I don't understand the mentality of asking someone what they want and then not buying any of the things?!?

ManonLescaut · 17/06/2016 22:18

Really? My 10 year old daughter keeps putting 'pony' at the top of her list.
Should I stop asking her what she wants?

If children ask for ipads/pcs/quad bikes/ponies/holiday homes/private islands they should get them?

AnstasiaBartAraminta · 17/06/2016 22:25

YABU, what's the point in getting her stuff, that she didn't want, when you could be getting her stuff that she wants, rather than wasting your money. And as for the people sayin 'designer underwear at 14' you clearly don't understand the way the world is today my eldest has been wearing designer underwear since she was 10, it what they do. I would maybe surprise her with one of the things that she wanted in a couple of days or something. She will definitely be pretty upset. However I do understand what you mean about not getting everything she wants, but it is her birthday.

laurenwiltxx · 17/06/2016 22:36

Shel get over it don't worry.

maninawomansworld01 · 17/06/2016 23:00

YABU. Why ask if you're not going to get her what she wants.
Let's be clear, it's not a shopping list and the shouldn't expect all of it but unless there are things on it that you thoroughly disapprove of then it's not about what you want to spend your money one, it's what she would like for her birthday.
Some of the crap I've wasted my money on for my DC's is truly awful but it brought them pleasure and that was good enough for me.

ManonLescaut · 17/06/2016 23:04

And as for the people sayin 'designer underwear at 14' you clearly don't understand the way the world is today my eldest has been wearing designer underwear since she was 10, it what they do

I understand exactly the way the world is today. I went to public school where some of the girls wore designer clothes to school every day, 20 years ago now.

I also know there is a growing tide of parents who don't have the kind of money my fellow pupils' families had, yet insist on buying designer clothing for little darlings instead of investing it in something useful. It's not what '10 year olds do', it's what silly mothers do without strong values and the wit to stand up against consumerism.

HamaTime · 17/06/2016 23:10

My Mum does this.

Her 'What would you like for your birthday?'

Me 'I saw a t-shirt I liked in topshop' -

Her '£16 for a grey t-shirt!!!'

Come my birthday I'll be presented with 2 t-shirts which were £8 each, neither of which I like. If she is trying to teach me some lesson on the value of money then I wish she'd save it for one of the other 364 days. The only lesson I took from it growing up was my opinion was worthless.

I'd bet my boots the Victoria's secret underwear plus the extra stuff cost more than the make-up. I understand the 'make-up is a waste of money' argument and I don't wear any myself, but lots of things are a waste of money. Why is make up singled out? I've got 7 copies of Jane Eyre. It's completely pointless but the pleasures of one half of the world cannot be understood by the other, or whatever.

Nataleejah · 17/06/2016 23:16

When i was a kid, nobody had an iphone for a birthday, simply because the bloody fecking iphone wasn't yet invented.

AmberNectarine · 17/06/2016 23:19

Oh can we calm down with the 'designer underwear'. It's a CK crop top, not a La Perla thong!

Marynary · 18/06/2016 00:15

Exactly. So she asked for some things that were OTT, and was disappointed. Next year her requests will be more realistic and she won't be disappointed. Job done.

That is a really mean attitude. There is nothing to suggest that OP's child is spoilt and needed to be taught a lesson. OP says that she tried to appear pleased with her presents. If her request were unrealistic OP could have discussed it with her beforehand so that she didn't feel disappointed on her birthday.

SabineUndine · 18/06/2016 04:55

OP, I didn't use the word 'tat'. You did. Interesting that you should react in such a way, though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/06/2016 05:04

I think, OP, that you've taken the responses on the chin pretty well on the whole.

However, if there is one thing I would add to your take-away thoughts from this, it's that next time you ask her for a list of stuff she'd like, go through it with her and explain the cost implication. Give her the choice of 1x reallyfuckingstupidlyexpensive (seriously, £50 for ONE set of knickers/top?) or 5x otherstuffshelikesbutisn'tsoexpensive.
Or just give her the money and let her spend it how she will (I've already suggested that though) - but I really think opening up the lines of communication is the most important aspect of this situation.

Talk about managing expectations, budget, value for money and all that.

I don't think it does children any favours in general to expect that they will always get the best/designer version of anything - fine so long as they then get a job that will fund their "champagne" lifestyle, but too often they have a "beer'n'crisps" job, not a "champagne" one. If they even manage to get a job (harder and harder in the current climate).

sklooshy · 18/06/2016 05:41

Don't feel guilty, kids her age get carried away and forget that money has to be earned. Next time set out the budget and if she wants to blow it on one thing that's fine. My dd is 8 and she knows this, I am a single parent of two so money is tight. More communication will stop you feeling guilty for letting her down. You have not done that, I can't see anything wrong with getting one thing she asked for. You can both enjoy next year more when you talk about it more X

Adnerb95 · 18/06/2016 06:39

I disagree completely with the whole idea of present lists. I banned them for Christmas when my kids were quite small - 5 and 8 - and my reasoning was:
"if you present me with a list, you are almost certain to be disappointed (whole list inevitably too much money) and not have the pleasure of surprise (as a parent, I should have a pretty good idea what you will enjoy or not and it may be something you hadn't thought of".

Christmas present unwrapping became a pleasure again. Taught them a lesson about entitlement. Oh, and I tried hard to make sure that at least one element of the present was an experience rather than a thing - a visit to the cinema or a session at the go-karts or something.

Various studies have shown that one of the keys to happiness is spending time and money on these events rather than objects, which quickly lose their novelty. Whereas the experience lasts a loooong time in the memory!

So YANBU - not getting everything you want is a valuable life lesson - unless you want a spoilt, entitled child/adult.

TutanKaDashian · 18/06/2016 06:53

Aww, poor girl. If I had a budget of say £100, I'd work down my son's requests from the top down until the money was gone. I wouldn't buy one thing then buy random things. I've had that done to me before and I remember the disappointment.

Janecc · 18/06/2016 07:55

You didn't want to waste your money on expensive stuff.

You wasted your money on stuff she didn't want instead.

Pretty stupid. And narcissistic because you didn't listen to her.

Next time give her the cash. Let her blow it on whatever she wants. When it's all gone, it's all gone.

Just plain weird.

thebestfurchinchilla · 18/06/2016 09:01

Pretty stupid. And narcissistic because you didn't listen to her.

Wow!

captainfarrell · 18/06/2016 09:02

Who buys designer undies for a 10 year old? FFS!

thebestfurchinchilla · 18/06/2016 09:11

It's not what '10 year olds do', it's what silly mothers do without strong values and the wit to stand up against consumerism.

My thoughts entirely!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/06/2016 09:50

Why are you talking about 10 year olds?

timelytess · 18/06/2016 11:12

Who buys designer undies for a 10 year old? FFS!
Can't remember if dd was four or five when she had designer undies. They were there, and they were pretty.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/06/2016 11:20

dame - someone upthread said their DD had been in designer undies since they were 10, so it was perfectly reasonable for a 14yo to want them.

ManonLescaut · 18/06/2016 12:04

That is a really mean attitude. There is nothing to suggest that OP's child is spoilt and needed to be taught a lesson.

Get a grip. I didn't say she was 'spoilt' nor that she 'needed to be taught a lesson'. It's simply that when you're young you learn by experience.

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