Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

386 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 08:02

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP posts:
thebestfurchinchilla · 17/06/2016 17:30

Personally l'd rather have something l really wanted than just anything for the sake of having a surprise present.

That's it in a nutshell. Id rather have.. The whole point of a gift is that it is non compulsory, a spontaneous giving to another person. If you'd rather have then you go out and jolly well buy it!!!

FurryLittleTwerp · 17/06/2016 17:31

I give DS18 a clothes budget for Christmas (£200 last year) & take him shopping in December. Everything is wrapped up for Christmas, although I did let him wear his new leather jacket for an important party a few days early! He spends Christmas money on things in the sales. Although I know his taste he prefers to choose & make sure things fit (I often get the size wrong as he's suddenly man-size & I forget) Grin

His dad usually gets him "a thing" - some sort of gadget that he wants.

For his birthday he usually gets "a thing" from both of us.

Always a few surprise bits as well.

MerryMarigold · 17/06/2016 17:39

With my kids (who are much younger), I manage their expectations from the start. I tell them the rough budget so they are not asking for a £200 gift. Then if they ask for what I consider to be inappropriate (40 packs of Match Attax for example), or something they will not play with, we have a talk about it. Any surprises are very minimal budget (under a tenner) or else useful (desk chair!).

1horatio · 17/06/2016 17:40

I don't really see the issue. DD said she wants A, B and C. DD got A, nearly B and X.

Seems rather reasonable to me. But tbh, at this age I either got money or exactly what I wanted. Anything else just seems a bit wasteful?

So, I guess I see both sides.

mumindoghouse · 17/06/2016 17:41

My DSs post lists on our bathroom door without us asking. I usually think yikes ace you any idea what these cost and warn them in advance to avoid disappointment on the day. As they've got older they've preferred cash so they can spend on what they want at their leisure.
I think you tried within your budget and yes there are things DC want that we'll never buy for them. And that's ok

worrierandwine · 17/06/2016 17:42

Ok just had a read of a handful of posts and genuinely don't understand how people can be so mean!? I think you did exactly the right thing. Go mum StarStar

BurningBridges · 17/06/2016 17:45

I can't believe this is still going, think it's the longest thread I've ever started! Its going on because a significant number of people think you have been (and I know you don't like the word) cruel, or unkind, or thoughtless - however you want to put it.

As ever in AIBU, OP asks AIBU, people say "hell yes now you come to mention it, you are" and the OP doesn't like it.

lovemyway · 17/06/2016 17:49

YANBU OP You sound like a good Mum who wants their child to learn the value of money and appreciate gifts. Stick with your gut instinct. My Mum was the same and I appreciate all gifts, if i want something special I buy it myself. I'm sure your daughter will be the same, thanks to you.

mangomum1411 · 17/06/2016 17:50

This depends completely on the personality of you child (actually any adult too). Growing up I loved surprises, still do! I would never give a list...which frustrated my mum and now my partner. However, my little sister had a list and would kick off when she didn't get what was on the list. As I grew older I learned just to stick to her list. It was less wasteful and everyone was happy. It's just different people like different things. She probably didn't expect everything on her list, but what you do get...if she's anything like my little sister was, just stick to the list! It's less wasteful that way :)

wheresthel1ght · 17/06/2016 17:54

Yabu. Why ask her for a list of things she would like and then ignore it?

TwentyOneGuns · 17/06/2016 17:56

BurningBridges I didn't mean that the way you interpreted, I feel like MN royalty to have so many responses Grin.

I've said several times that I recognise I may have been BU but I won't accept that I'm cruel or unkind on AIBU or anywhere else thanks.

OP posts:
thebestfurchinchilla · 17/06/2016 17:56

Yabu. Why ask her for a list of things she would like and then ignore it?

RTT!!!

BurningBridges · 17/06/2016 17:59

thebest I think some people have RTT and still can't believe it.

robinia · 17/06/2016 18:00

YANBU at all. My dc often send me a list as long as your arm of things they want. Can be junk, inappropriate stuff (18 cert eg.), or vastly overpriced for what it is. I usually select a few things from their list, send some ideas to rellies and then choose a few surprises. At some point I might explain why some things on the list weren't chosen. My kids have always been fine with this. They like the surprises. They may be disappointed not to get the 18 video game but they understand and accept it. There is no way they expect to get everything from their list and I would be horrified if they did. There is a lot of pleasure to be had in choosing a gift for someone which they hadn't asked for.

SuperFlyHigh · 17/06/2016 18:01

I personally don't think YABU.

I don't think you were cruel either but yes a bit unkind. Judging of how you'll handle this in future and saying you felt bad means you've given this matter some thought.

Why post on AIBU if there's a risk (and you know it) of being labelled cruel and unkind?Hmm

thebestfurchinchilla · 17/06/2016 18:01

Can't believe that a mother thinks before she opens her purse?Thinks about what her child really needs swell as buying a couple of things from the list?
Then really, those people's opinions are not worth reading. Of course I speak for myself and not OP but most people agree that Op sounds caring but level headed, a mother and not a best friend!

Jessikita · 17/06/2016 18:04

I just think it's a waste of money to buy anybody (at all) a load of stuff they don't want for the sake of it, instead of something they wanted. I just don't see the point. It's like someone asking for a horse riding experience and buying them a race car one?

If she wanted something you couldn't afford fair enough. But I think you are unreasonable just to buy a load of stuff she didn't want.

chazf09 · 17/06/2016 18:04

Why bother asking what she wanted then? You could have said this is your budget what would u like? Or you could have gave her a gift card so she could have bought what she actually wanted

thebestfurchinchilla · 17/06/2016 18:06

I just think it's a waste of money to buy anybody (at all) a load of stuff they don't want for the sake of it, instead of something they wanted. I just don't see the point. It's like someone asking for a horse riding experience and buying them a race car one

Surely you accept that this is a child, and a mother knows her and knows what really makes her happy . OP says DD was happy with gifts. Some of my DC's favourite gifts have been things I bought that weren't on their list because sometimes you know them better than they do!

wheresthel1ght · 17/06/2016 18:10

I have read the thread thanks and I still don't understand why you would ask someone what they want and then completely ignore it.

My mum does this to me and quite frankly it still annoys the hell out of me at nearly 40.

thebestfurchinchilla · 17/06/2016 18:10

You ask for a list of ideas, not orders.

DistanceCall · 17/06/2016 18:12

It think it would have been better to buy her some of the things she wanted, even if it took up your entire budget, than just buy her one and then replace the other with cheaper versions.

It may be exactly the same to you, but it's clearly not to her.

nonladyofleisure · 17/06/2016 18:19

Op I'm on your side.

Last Christmas I asked my son to make a list of things he wanted. Very expensive clothes... My budget I would have only been able to get 2/3 things off his list of about 10... So I bought the one or 2 things and then bought little bits should have just bought the things he wanted and accepted he would have less. He was really obviously disappointed and I wasted my money trying to give him the same amount of presents jumpers he's never worn etc . it really hurt me! So a huge lesson for me.. After the whole you're ungrateful etc... If I had the money I would have bought everything he wanted but I didn't X

nonladyofleisure · 17/06/2016 18:27

To compare my 13 year old spends £13.99 on a PAIR ofsocks.... I spend £2 for a pack of 5 from primark.

simiisme · 17/06/2016 18:28

LadyStarkOfWinterfell - I'm with you on this one!
We can all have a wish list, but nobody should expect to get everything they want. We ask our kids to let us know the things they'd like, but remind them that we're not loaded and tell them they cannot have anything that's a silly price and will not get everything on the list.
As for people feeling sorry for her...Sheesh! Sounds like she did pretty well to me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread