To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

I always ask my kids what they might want for their birthday; but then we have a conversation about it. They appreciate that there is a budget for such things. They might want the latest X-box, iPad or smartphone....but it doesn't mean they are going to get them!

I manage their expectations and that way, they are not disappointed. It also means that if we are a bit more flush than we thought and can stretch to it, they might get a nice surprise!

I also think it is lovely to get surprises, so I do work hard to think of items (not necessarily expensive) that will delight them, even if it is something funny/silly.

I think there is an increasing emphasis on material things in this modern world, with no real understanding of what things cost and how hard parents have to work to provide them. And I do think it is perfectly OK for kids to choose to buy the more expensive items on their wish list with their birthday money; after all, the money is given for them to get something that they really want. My son used some of his to pay £40 for an online annual gaming subscription so that he could play X-box with his friends.

TwentyOneGuns.. YANBU. I'm unsure why people have attacked you like this as you did listen to her list, you got her a couple of presents from the list. That is plenty. Wish lists are simply that, wishes. If I put together a present list I expect to get a couple of items, and then most likely a surprise gift. Gifts are meant to be surprises and you asked her so that your surprises wouldn't be total guesses. I think you did the right thing. If she was disappointed then maybe this is because she is a teenager and she has friends who get everything they ask for. Don't feel bad. I won't be buying designer underwear for my daughter when she is 14. Also, it is the wrong message to send to our children to get them everything they want. I would have done exactly what you have done.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell - No the issue is not that she didn't buy ALL the items, it's that she asked but for some reason just didn't feel like buying them. I mean she bought underwear but not the brands that her daughter really likes - if she was going to buy underwear anyway why not buy what she wanted? I mean unless it was too provocative or something in which case I can totally see why she might buy a different brand.

Nobody is saying buy them all - we're saying manage expectations. Kids can put as many expensive things on their list it doesn't mean they'll get them all but what they do get, whether it's a lot of a little, it will be something they wanted and therefore will use. If you're going to buy them what you have in mind regardless of what they have expressed an interest in, don't bother asking them at all. That's not self entitled. IN fact it teaches children value - there is only so much money and it must be budgeted so you must focus on which one or two items is more important for you to have - a vital skill in adulthood.

Tbh I wouldn't have bought expensive make up for a 14yo seems a waste. Designer underwear also no.
I still do birthday / Xmas lists for my family and it's more for them to look, riff around the ideas and they can get something related or something off the list always been that way.
Maybe explain you wanted some ideas for you and the family?

Tea I don't see anyone attacking the op, only some disagreeing and saying why and some agreeing.

Is there a definition of gift as "a surprise"? I don't think so. A gift may or may not be a surprise - the surprise is not intrinsic.

Not one poster has said the teen should receive everything they ask for; it is almost universally agreed that picking items from the wish list up to the budget limit is ideal, and that could mean receiving one or two things from a list of ten or more suggestions. The general consensus though is that looking at the list and buying a pile of cheap versions us a lot of unasked for surprises will be less satisfactory to the recipient than just one longed for item - the luxurious nature of receiving a slightly extravagant item once a year instead of the budget version you can afford to buy you self is more special to many people than a high volume of the same items you could afford to buy yourself if you wanted them.

The OP has explained that her dd wanted both the big pile and the luxury items therefore she was stuck having to find a compromise and did fine, given the update on the DD's wish for quantity.

There are some other posters though who seem firmly convinced that gift giving is about the giver and about teaching people life lessons - aside from the naturally occurring lesson that luxury items cost more so you will receive less volume if they are what you want, which wont come as a shock unless parents have sheltered the child from the realities of using money to a ridiculous ddgree, this seems a bit twisted.

It's interesting because there is a thread on MN at the moment where children with toxic mothers have just been discussing presents. One of the stand-out issues is that the mothers would, if they bothered to ask at all, not buy their child what had been requested. So I can see where the "cruel" comment came from, because in the context of toxic mothers, that is quite cruel.

But you haven't done that - you have accommodated her wishes, just not to the extent that she was quite hoping, maybe. Your title is therefore a little misleading, because actually you did buy her some of what she wanted, even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted. You didn't, for e.g., buy her a baseball bat instead of perfume, and gardening gloves instead of expensive underwear. THAT might have been considered "cruel".

And tbh, especially since she got a lot from other family members, I think you struck the balance just right. However, if she is still disappointed, then next year just give her however much you planned to spend on her presents in cash and let her spend it her own way. That way you're not burdened with either the shopping or seeing her face drop; and she can choose for herself how to spend the budget.

My older 2 boys are always disappointed. Middle son wanted an Xbox one and iPhone for xmas. Oldest wanted iPhone and MacBook Pro. I can't afford these items. Youngest son wanted stuff that was more within budget. So he got everything he wanted. But everything of his didn't total just one of the older boys items.
I told them I can't afford to that amount. So they chose cheaper things to go on their lists, then they had some money. Also money for their birthdays. So now they have to save for their stuff themselves.
They had enough money after Christmas for iPhones (not brand new ones) and my oldest is still saving for his MacBook.
I think children seem to expect so much on their birthdays. Everything they want is so expensive. So I'm sure there must be plenty of disappointed children. Or does everyone else just save hard and buy the stuff? Sometimes it's not just that I can't afford an item they want, it's the fact they want an item that just seems ridiculously over priced. Which may be the case with the underwear. I don't have daughters so I don't know. But my boys will want a game for Xbox at £60 just seems such a lot of money to me. But as someone else said...if it makes them happy.

Yes I think you are being unreasonable by not getting her what she asked for. You asked for ideas and she told you, from which you sidetracked. What if it was you and you asked for a pair of adidas trainers but got Asda trainers still functional maybe even appear to look the same but def not. Of shes disappointed you've bought her a load of crap she didn't want!

Op i know exactly what you mean and understand how you are now feeling. my DD is 15. Some of her friends wear Calvin Klein undies fgs! She asked for some of quite expensive things(expensive for what they were e.g £25 for a pair of pants!!) for birthday/Christmas. I bought some of the things but not all. I wonder if you were thinking like me OP. I thought if I got her one or two things on her list she would be disappointed as it wouldn't look much so I bought one or two and a few cheaper things too. My DD has always liked lots of small things to open. But, I did feel a bit like the gifts hadn't hit the spot iyswim. DD was gracious but I think it's more about peer pressure. Friends will ask what she got. I'm hoping that when she gets a bit older she will revert to her happy with anything self!!

I don't think YABU but maybe next state first that you have a budget so you may only be able to get one of the things and anything else is a surprise, she will definitely be old enough to understand x

Yes I think you are being unreasonable by not getting her what she asked for. You asked for ideas and she told you, from which you sidetracked.

Asking for ideas is not like issuing a shopping list. I hate to know what DH is going to buy me. It's a gift, not an order!!

RB68 - This is not entitlement. Demanding everything on the list is. But it makes no sense to buy things that are probably not going to get used are a waste of money.
Nobody has said spend hundreds - they've said as long as what she'd like is within the budget, get it. Otherwise you're just throwing money away.

I mean imagine if somebody bought you something you'd never ever use - it'd just gather dust.

1. There is nothing entitled about buying what your child says they want when you ask them as long as you don't bust the budget and you inform them that you have a budget and they won't get everything - but it will at least be something they like.

1. OP didn't say she didn't buy them for budget reasons - it literally was because she didn't feel like buying them.

1. If OP had an issue with buying them because they were inappropriate she could have said so and her daughter could've suggested something else.

1. The whole point of a gift is to get something nice that somebody wants that they might not get for themselves.

1. If OP was just going to by whatever anyway (things she thought she would like) she never should've asked in the first place - she should've just bought whatever she was going to get. It was unfair to get her hopes up.

What you call 'self entitlement' is actually called 'managing expectations'.

DS1 once asked for a football strip from his favourite team with his name on for his birthday - nothing else. It cost the full budget and we told him it would be ridiculously expensive so he wouldn't get anything else. He was only 7 but understood and was absolutely delighted when he received it and wore it every time it came back out of the wash.

I would have been unreasonable IMOto buy him a cheap set of shorts and t shirt and a pile of jigsaw puzzles, boOKs and lego because I thought they were better presents and the strip was a waste.

The designer underwear, as long as it is age appropriate, was the same, as was the make up. It isn't relevant whether the giver thinks it is "a waste" - it matters whether it is within the set budget. If you were going to spend £120 and those two items are what she longs for then you get them, not cheap underwear and cheap make up and a pile of gifts you think she should want. If you were going to spend £30 manage her expectations and tell her those items are out of budget, if you were going to spend £60 get her one or the otherof her cchoices. ..

As I say the OP's daughter wanting a pile of gifts and having a wish list led to the op having to compromise - but other posters saying they would not buy a small luxurious item because it is a waste for a 14 year old seem less generous spirited (which is not the same as financially generous) and more interested in their values as giver than the recipient.

captainfarrell - yes but that's your preference - kids get to a certain age and get very specific tastes - they're too young to work and have their own income so they rely on birthdays. No, it's not a shopping list but it makes more sense to buy something somebody wants rather than something that'll just gather dust and ultimate be a waste of money.

Tom Lehrer nailed it 60 years ago: "Relations sparing no expense/will send you some useless utensil/like a matching pen and pencil/ Just the thing I need, how nice."

But seriously, I always get mine something they want, although if it is outlandish (MacBook Air!) I will discuss it with them. I hate getting them stuff they haven't asked for, as I know it will just languish somewhere, a waste. If completely stumped, cash or vouchers (but always something else too). The eldest (15) is into the spirit of the thing, and carefully prepares shortish lists of lottery win stuff, nice to have, essential, and a few modest fripperies. Her younger S & B are getting there, although DS wants a season ticket to Arsenal, every year, which is in lottery win territory ...

I wouldn't however get a 14 year old, or anyone under 16, 'designer' underwear. That's for showing off, and I can't quite get my head round encouraging 14 year olds to show off their knickers.

The OP bought some things from the list just not all!

Omg it's refreshing to see someone who has their nuts screwed properly. My daughter wanted botox at 15 because of Kylie Jenner. So them lot are saying I have to give it to her because she asked. BTW I almost fainted when she asked.

I don't think the OP is unreasonable at all - from my experience, my teen daughter has very unrealistic expectations of what she can have for birthday and Christmas as she asks for way too many overpriced items i.e iPhone 6, £120+ pair of Nike trainers and a whole lot more. I think the problem is peer pressure, but it's very unrealistic to expect to give an expensive shopping list of presents and get everything you asked for as most families just don't have that kind of money just lying around. Asking for ideas is one thing, but if they can't be met, then to do your best should be enough. When I was a kid I don't remember getting a huge amount of birthday presents, I used to get one good thing (not hugely expensive either) and almost always it was a surprise and not something I asked for.
I'm pretty clear with my kids that if their list is not affordable or reasonable, then I can't meet it and they will have to accept something a bit more in line with my budget. I know this may bring disappointment, but what can you do? Teens can't go round demanding hugely expensive items, clothing - if they really want them, then they will have to buy it themselves out of birthday cash/pocket money/saving and then it gives them an idea of how much money really buys.

Kind of off topic but I just really hope my kids don't want designer stuff when they are teenagers as I will find it really hard to spend money on stuff I think is a complete waste of money. (BTW it doesn't necessarily follow that teenagers love brands, I am not that ancient, but have never been interested in designer stuff at any age)

I think I actually would rather give her money and let her spend it herself, though it would still annoy me to have her squander it on nonsense.

I think in this situation I would have looked at the list with her and explained I was not willing to spend money on some of the things on the list. Or at least explained that if she really wants this type of expensive thing she will have to understand she will only get one or two things.

I think in future just offer her cash and buy her a few little bits off the top of your head that won't break the bank but you know she needs/ wants. This way she learns the value of money (I think she's old enough at this point) as things such as designer undies and perfume aren't cheap. If she doesn't want cash and still wants something specific (and expensive) just explain that will be her main present and you'll get her a few little surprises to open. I think it's always nice to have a bit of both - something you really want and some surprises.

We grew up with an understanding of what our parents could afford to spend on us at birthdays and Christmas although an official budget was never mentioned we just kind of knew. If what we wanted was above this budget (my brother's Sega Mega Drive for example ) it would be for birthday and Christmas.
I think you're a lovely mum for caring about this and you did what you thought best at the time so no you're not BU at all. She might not be as disappointed as you think and the fact she didn't throw any sort of wobbler shows she's not spoiled.

A present is a gift not a transaction or response to a demand. She's getting a good lesson with her present.

I can't believe this is still going, think it's the longest thread I've ever started!

I am really really not trying to exert any kind of power over my DD, just bring her up with values and sensible expectations. As I said maybe that should go out of the window at birthdays but seeing as so many people have commented how nice she sounds I'm hopefully doing an OK job. Yes she did seem a little disappointed yesterday morning but by last night when I saw her again she was fine, looking at her presents again with me, arranging her new stuff in her room and even commenting how comfy the bra top I'd bought her was. She is a good kid.

I admit I do have some misgivings about the kind of thing she wants - I'd prefer her not to be into make-up and designer labels so young hence the 'not what I wanted to spend my money on' comment - but I was not point scoring when I didn't get the CK underwear, it was simply that 1 pair of knickers didn't seem very practical whereas with the brand I bought (still one of her favourites as I said) she got enough to wear them every day. I thought this was better but I wasn't trying to belittle her feelings or imply I knew best, just get a present she'd get more use out of.

I should also say that I was more conscious of sticking to a budget than usual as DD has had her room decorated and an expensive school trip this year so she's not doing too badly :).

On reflection I'm happy with what I got her although I'll bear all of this in mind next Christmas/birthday, and more importantly DD is too.

l'm a bit bemused as to why ask her what she wanted, then (besides the perfume) buy something different? lt doesn't read to me like she asked for 'loads of expensive stuff' - my friends & l do this, we give a list of things we'd like, and certainly don't expect all of it. lt's just a list of possible options to make things easier for the buyer.
Personally l'd rather have something l really wanted than just anything for the sake of having a surprise present. lf money is the issue, even more so - if she's only 14 but likes particular things, l'd be inclined to buy her what she's asked for, but within reason - say, if she wanted expensive makeup, tell her if she has that, then it only leaves £X for the rest, and which would she prefer? l'd rather have something l couldn't/wouldn't buy for myself, bearing in mind it's a special occasion.
l don't think she's spoilt, otherwise why would she have bothered to try to look like she liked the presents?
l ask my stepkids what they'd like, and so does everyone else. We sort things out between us and they know if they want something relatively expensive, there's only a limited amount of money available, and if they get the expensive thing, there won't be much else.
Bless her. When you're that age, you can't buy much for yourself. l'd want to make birthdays and Christmas special for her. Once she's earning she can buy the stuff she wants herself.

You're doing great OP.Unfortunately, some adults are demanding at birthdays and Christmas and so they pass this on to their DC.

I do so much want to make her birthday special, that's what I was trying to do in my own unique and possibly misguided way!