To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

I think the mum has done well. The girl got some things she asked for and some she didn't. i feel children are brought up with ridiculously high expectations of gifts without understanding their value. She should be grateful and get a job to save for the other expensive things she wants. If My children are asked for ideas for say a main present and anything else is a bonus. Why would you want your children to be so "stuff" orientated?

OP, I think your attitude is fine, healthy and completely normal. I think you did completely the right thing.

Many of the responses here are bonkers.

You're absolutely right that if you'd posted a thread 'AIBU to get my teen designer makeup and underwear', you'd have got a lot of judgement and finger-wagging about spoiling and teaching the value of money.

I get the sense that some posters are identifying with your dd and see you as their mum/partner who didn't get exactly what was asked for. Cue strop.

Personally, I would not buy a 14 year old Calvin Klein underwear and Urban Decay makeup. High street makeup is absolutely fine when you're that age, ditto underwear, which she may grow out of before its worn out.

If she really wants expensive makeup she can work for it.

Perhaps give her cash according to what you can afford, then she can choose which of the things on her lust she can afford to buy from that budget.

I remember one Christmas when my son was really young. He had loads of lovely presents from us and family and godparents etc.

After having opened everything he looked a bit disappointed. I asked him what he was expecting, he said 'a car'.

We can all put a Bugatti Chiron and the crown jewels on our wish-list, doesn't mean we'll get it.

This thread reminds me of the time my Mum and Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas when I was 20. I had my heart set on a Radley handbag and had been trying to save for ages for one so I asked for money towards that. I was secretly delighted when I came across one hidden with other presents while searching for towels before a shower.

I got a Tennis racket that year. The handbag was for the girl my brother was seeing at the time (and had been for only a month). I didn't even play, or express any interest, in tennis.

That ^^ OP (what my parents did) was terribly unreasonable and actually quite cruel. What you did wasn't at all and I am sure your DD - who does sound entirely lovely - really appreciates the gifts she got from you.

I think it's a bit pointless asking what someone wants,if you then buy something else entirely. My PIL's are lovely and incredibly generous but they have driven DH mad his whole life by doing this.

I would just have a budget set, as others have suggested - if they ask for expensive gifts, there won't be as many, but it's their choice. It also might help them to appreciate the real cost of things?

If she wanted expensive underwear or makeup, I would have bought one those items up to budget limit. Buying different items would have made me sad too. I had a clothing allowance at 14 rather than pocket money. I would have asked for things I wanted but couldn't afford for my birthday which is what I think she's done. I think you're lucky that you weren't on the end of a major teenage strip. I asked my DD and was actually surprised that she replied that she'd really be hurt if I'd done this as she's pretty understanding about budgets etc. I think you might need to just apologize and say that you thought you were doing the right thing but you're not perfect and you'll know next time. If you genuinely couldn't afford anything she wanted then you need to say so and that you did your best to get things she'd like.

TwentyOneGuns Don't be too hard on yourself, it wasn’t an unreasonable compromise between designer and ‘lots’. This is a minefield with young teens and she doesn’t sound spoiled in her response.

More prior discussion would help next time. When mine put 'designer/expensive/inappropriate’ items on lists I discussed them either to say ‘out of my budget’ or ‘why X and not $BETTERVALUE item’. Sometimes there was a good reason e.g. the trainers where pricey brand fitted well to awkward feet. Otherwise I said why I thought it was bad value and asked how they felt about alternatives. The answer ‘as special birthday one off’ was also reasonable in my book. By 14 if adamant about 1X over 5Y then I reckoned sometimes they had to learn themselves.

I’d push them to think hard about the full value options e.g. in make up terms, expensive foundation might be worth it but they work fine with bog standard mascara and eyeshadow. There was the odd thing I just wouldn’t buy but they knew that. I was also pretty liberal with what they spent gift money on once they were this age (grandparents used to give money split into ‘save and squander’). As adults, they have pretty much adopted ‘sometimes pricey is worth more but mostly it isn’t’ attitudes which we generally have.

I don’t equate buying for young teens with buying for adults - if an adult wants something I think is a waste of money I’d buy it anyway. With young teens its an opportunity to develop more understanding of the value of their money.

Aramynta This thread reminds me...

My crowning delight as a teenager was being given 6 Dartington Glass matching egg cups by my mother. Because what a teenage girls really needs is matching egg cups for those future dinner parties :-)

In fairness, in later years she did acknowledge it was batshit idea for a birthday present.

Why post on AIBU if there's a risk (and you know it) of being labelled cruel and unkind?

Because it's called Am I Being Unreasonable and that was what I wanted to know. Tbh I think a lot of people are projecting how they've been treated on to my situation which I don't think is entirely fair but as I said before I'll accept it because when you post on AIBU you risk a few over the top responses in between the very helpful ones (and by that I don't just mean those I agree with).

OP you seem like a lovely mum who has done what she thought was best for her daughter, who to her credit has not been ungrateful in the slightest and has tried to hide her disappointment at not receiving what she was maybe expecting.
Looking back to my teenage years, there was nothing worse than getting something similar to what you actually wanted, and not being able to say anything without seeming like a spoiled madam, so I do get where your daughter is coming from.
I would have a sit down chat with your daughter and explain your reasoning and that you noticed that she seemed a little disappointed, and ask her how she would prefer it to be handled in future - she will realise that there is a limited budget, but it will make her feel grown up to have a say in what SHE considers to be value for the money.
You both sound like a lovely mother and daughter, so don't feel too down about it - your motives were good and her reaction to disappointment is a credit to her upbringing.

I for one think the OP got it spot on. Teenagers come up with the most impractical ideas at birthday time. Yes, you ask, to get some ideas, but pity help anyone who decided to purchase every item on my own kids lists, let alone some of the items I've seen listed. OP bought the perfume her daughter wanted, and depending on what that was, may well have been my entire birthday budget for my own kids. Then, to buy a toned down version of other requests, is in my view, elementaly sensible. A gift list, in my view, is a suggestion, not a requirement.

I think it's fine to ask for ideas but maybe better to make it clear she'll only get one or two of the specified things and a few smaller surprises, that way her expectations are more realistic? It sounds like she's done ok with money from other relatives though so she'll be able to get some of the other things she wanted, unless as you say the reality of the cost when it's her buying them makes her hesitate!

Good GOD, such a middle class dilemma! Take it from me, she's not going to suffer for not getting these expensive gifts.

Spoiling your children and giving too much is a bad way to parent them and will do them no favours in the long run. Teach them about gratitude, teach them to realise how privileged they are, teach them to appreciate the important things in life, teach them the value of money!

Don't waste a second of your life worrying about whether or not they're missing out because of perfume or underwear because they're not. Half the world doesn't even have enough to eat and 14 is old enough to appreciate that.

I've always given a single carefully chosen birthday present (maybe something which is definitely on the list!) and my daughter is always touchingly grateful.

Kids in this country expect too much I think.

I don't ever ask my kids what they want lol. Maybe that makes me a bad mum lol, but I prefer surprising them. I know I'm old fashioned, but I have always gotten my kids (they are 5, 8, 14 & 17 btw) one present. They have others from family members, some who spend more than me ;-) but if my kids really want something badly enough (my 17 loves designer stuff!) then they work for it! If they had ever complained, I would say 'Oi, all you did was be born, I did all the bloody work! lol) I would hate giving them something when they already know what it'll be, half the fun is surprising them! I like to think I know my kids well enough to know what they would like, and thats not meant to sound superior, just that my lot never shut up lol, and I keep tabs on what sort of things they hanker after! x

So in short, you're absolutely not being unreasonable!

I can see why you would get something off the list and then some suprise a. The bit I don't get is the things that are almost what she wanted but not quite. I think that will be where the disappointment comes from.

My first thought was why spend money on designer underwear for a 14 year old, they'll probably outgrow it at some point in the near future You already got her a perfume she asked for and like you said she can use her birthday money from relatives to buy the stuff she asked for if she really wants it.

' Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. "

So you asked her what she wanted and bought her what you felt was appropriate within your budget.

It would be lovely to think that we all had endless budgets to spend on young DD's birthday presents.

I think you need to have a chat along these lines with your DD

YANBU because she is still young and buying certain things she asked for isn't appropriate but maybe discuss with her what she wants next time, so she understands why you won't buy some things, and isn't disappointed. I'm sure she realises you aren't made of money, and most kids survive a bit of disappointment ;)

But the issue isn't that the daughter asked for expensive things, or any things at all, the issue is the OP asked her what she wanted, then made sure she didn't get it and now wants a pat on the back. Everyone who is congratulating and consoling the OP is conveniently missing that.

Still, at least when you do it again next year or Christmas or whatever, she'll know that she's only allowed to ask for things you want her to have. Maybe she should ask the OP what she's allowed to want?!

Bollocks. The issue is that dd asked for expensive things. They are not realistic things for a teen to be asking for. If she's more realistic and cost-aware next birthday she won't be disappointed.

OP gave her the perfume she wanted, and some nice but cheaper underwear.

There are adult women in this country who won't get anything as nice for their birthday.

Made sure she didn't get it makes you sound like a petulant child.

Fair enough! I would ask for a bunch of things but know that I would get 1 main present and a few other smaller ones usually surprises! I would be interested to see if she spends the £ on what she asked for in the first place too!

Have you ever heard the saying "you can't put an old head on young shoulders"? Its mean to refer to how children and young people should be supported to grow and learn and allowed to make mistakes rather than needing to be "taught lessons" all the time.

Some people on MN seem to delight in a child or young person being made to feel small or in finding them to be at fault.