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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

184 replies

BoxofSnails · 15/06/2016 11:21

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

OP posts:
LikeDylanInTheMovies · 15/06/2016 16:58

The first person I knew of in my group of friends attending a funeral was about 13. I'm very lucky though, as I've made it 26 without having been to one.

Children didn't attend funerals in our family and some elderly relatives had a hissy fit when my mum went to a funeral when she was six months pregnant with my sister.

I was so naive when I went to my first funeral aged 17 it seems so alien. It was my oldest friend's father who died in his 40s. My sister was 15 and didn't attend. I had literally no idea what a funeral entailed.

I attended the church service but not the committal which took place at a separate crematorium and was family only. I had no idea that they'd bring the coffin into the church and thought it would go straight to the crematorium, so I had a terrible shock when they brought the coffin in and I was gripped with panic. It was only the fact I was wedged in the middle of a pew that stopped me running out.

I think where the bereaved wish it and the children are old enough to behave they should be encouraged to go to the funeral.

grannytomine · 15/06/2016 17:03

If your MIL is 70 plus she may have health issues that make it difficult. I can't see what excuse your husband has, you have said he could go. If I was you I would be much more concerned about his attitude than his elderly mothers.

JessieMcJessie · 15/06/2016 17:06

LikeDylan -similar - my first was my Gran's when I was 15 and I had no idea either that the coffin would be in the church. Such a shock, and thinking of her in there was horrendous. I am in awe of the resilience of Catholic families who have open coffins.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 15/06/2016 17:08

My fil specifically wanted our dc at my grandmother-in-law's funeral - fil was her only live g child. So we took them - they were all under 8 at the time and the smallest was 18 months old! I had to take him out of the actual service as he was trying to sing something other than the hymn, loudly... Then during the actual internment in a 2 minute silence he blew an enormous loud kiss when his name was mentioned by the priest (in the "beloved great grandmother of...) context.

At the wake afterwards all fil and grandmother in law's friends fussed the kids and said they had made it a happier occassion.

Of course all funerals are different and the funeral of a woman in her 90 s is different to a tragic or early death - the grief is mellower for somebody who has lived a very long life often.

grannytomine · 15/06/2016 17:09

I went to funerals as a child, Irish family but I grew up in England but in an Irish community. I was not allowed to go to my granny's funeral when I was six months pregnant. The whole family felt it was inappropriate, unusual for them to all be in agreement. Over 40 years later it still upsets me if I think about it. I was very close to her but not there at the end.

lalalalyra · 15/06/2016 17:14

I think where the bereaved wish it and the children are old enough to behave they should be encouraged to go to the funeral.

I agee with this. I also think it's beneficial to children to go to a funeral of someone they are not super, super close too for their first time if possible.

My friend and his wife would never allow their children to go to a family funeral. Even when their Nan died and the kids were in their early teens they didn't allow it. Which meant at 17 and 18 the first funeral they attended was their mother's. Not only did they have to deal with the whole funeral bit (Scottish, catholic, two parts) they also saw their relatives all upset for the first time ever and that is very difficult when you are used to your aunts/uncles/father being very stoic and strong.

It also meant that her DS's first time at a funeral was also his first time carrying a coffin, which is a harsh introduction to a horrible event/task.

mommybunny · 15/06/2016 17:22

I don't remember how old I was when I attended my first funeral, but I'm pretty sure it was post-teenage years (maybe my grandfather when I was at university?). I lost a grandmother when I was 8 and neither I nor any of my multitude of siblings or cousins went to the funeral (I was among the oldest of that set). Her death had been pretty sudden and shocking for all the family (she was only 64 and died of a heart attack) and none of my parents or aunts/uncles fancied dealing with all those kids when their own grief was so raw. Had the adults had time before her death to get used to the idea they might have seen fit to take some of the older grandchildren.

OP, just a thought - was your BIL's death foreseen or sudden? Maybe your MIL just feels that she hasn't had time to get the concept of traveling to a funeral in her head. Not that that justifies abandoning her daughter in her hour of need but ...

megletthesecond · 15/06/2016 17:32

Everyone deals with them differently. My uncle didn't go to dad's funeral. He'd already booked a holiday and was so upset he decided to go to a local church and pay his respects privately at the time of the funeral. He'd already lost his son as a teenager and was shocked when dad died. I understand that.

Sallystyle · 15/06/2016 17:37

Not going to your sister's husband's funeral is disgusting, unless it can't be helped. Not going to your son in law's funeral is beyond disgusting.

My brother went to my ex husband's funeral to support my children.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/06/2016 17:50

I find it very odd that the OP's DH is only "thinking" of going to his sister's husband's funeral. And that the poor woman's own mother won't go, even though she's been offered a lift.

Are they estranged OP? If not, then I think that is a bit shabby to be honest

thebestfurchinchilla · 15/06/2016 18:02

It is odd. When my DM died, my PIL came and Sils and BILS. It meant everything to me. If they hadn't, for no good reason, I don't think our relationship would have been the same afterwards. Sorry for your loss.

mommybunny · 15/06/2016 18:54

Yes chinchilla my siblings' siblings-in-law (to the extent they were more or less local) all came to my dad's funeral and/or wake (in our tradition it's totally fine to go to one or the other if you can't do both). It was totally expected to the extent they were local. Outside of the "immediate" family (i.e., me and DH) no one was expected to make a long arduous journey but I had cousins, aunts and uncles come to New Jersey from Florida, California, Georgia, North Carolina, New Mexico, Michigan and Maryland. It really meant a lot to us.

I found it weird when my SIL's (DH's sister's - English) XH didn't attend DH and SIL's mother's funeral. The divorce hadn't been that bitter as I recall, he lived locally and MIL was the grandmother of his own children.

PrimalLass · 15/06/2016 19:05

but that's just the effort that you should make.

Only if it is wanted. My mum didn't go to FIL's funeral as she lives 80 miles away, had our kids, and tbh if would have just been ODD. Likewise MIL coming to a funeral on my side would be weird.

AngieBolen · 15/06/2016 19:08

I really don't think there is funeral ettiquette - weddings yes, because you plan them way in advance, but funerals are organised quickly, when people are grieving, and those who aren't grieving worry about upsetting those who are.

I think if there were some sort of official etiquette (maybe there is, I should check Debrettes) it wouldn't be expected for exes to attend funerals of their ex-in-laws.

My Dsis did, and apparently it was a bit funny, as lots of the family didn't realise they had divorced, and was wondering why her ex was being so cosy with someone else (his new wife!) .

If FIL had turned up to his ex parents in laws funerals all hell would have broken loose. Which was hard for him, because for years he had a great relationship with them and was genuinely grieving and wanted to pay his respects.

I was a bit put out when my PILs didn't attend my DFs wedding, but with hindsight, it was the right thing for them. My DILs parents drove 200 miles, even though we hardly knew them, and they had only met my DF once.

I don't think there is any correct etiquette regarding this.

mommybunny · 15/06/2016 19:25

Angie, I'm sure you're right about the "official" etiquette of attending "ex-family" funerals, but it all depends on the relationship I guess. My dad's parents divorced, acrimoniously, when he was 7, and both remarried. Things stayed bitter for decades, until my dad married my mom. Then things were amicable, or at least civil, until dad's dad died and his mother was enraged at something he didn't allow to be said (paternity-related, not in relation to my dad) in his obituary. She threw a strop and refused to attend her ex-husband's funeral. Yet at the same funeral was the ex-wife of one of my uncles, who had also divorced acrimoniously. Horses for courses indeed.

AngieBolen · 15/06/2016 19:36

DF wedding = DF funeral! Oops! Blush

Original poster
BoxofSnails · 15/06/2016 19:36

Sorry, been out/busy. There's no estrangement but MIL in the years I've known her doesn't make the effort to maintain a relationship with my (lovely) SIL or her GC on that side. My DH has children in their 20s and she let's them make the effort too - but they and we are local to MIL. She is very anti women working and so she and I don't see eye to eye on the subject and SIL works full time in a good job, and I can only assume that is a barrier between them.

DH is still bothered by the distance. But I am unmoved in my belief he should go. You're right, it would be good if I could too.

OP posts:
Basicbrown · 15/06/2016 19:41

I think it just depends on the circumstances. Having your kid marry their kid is not a massive connection unless those kids host a lot of joint parties for both families.

Confused ConfusedConfused

Wow. Yanbu op at all. I would have been very hurt if my pils had not gone to dm's funeral. They are not local.

AngieBolen · 15/06/2016 19:43

I think you'd have to really, really not like your DD or Son in law not to go to his funeral.

I think there is more of a bad relationship here than you realise.....?

Surely no one holds it against their DD for working? Or is your MIL form a very old fashioned culture? I'm trying to imagine what culture that would be, though. Confused

JessieMcJessie · 15/06/2016 19:46

Was your SIL's husband's death sudden? Was he very old? it's one thing not to make much effort or to disagree over something like women working but there has to be more to it than that for a mother not to acknowledge a tragedy that has befallen her child. And what about the sister/ brother relationship? He genuinely thinks that distance is an impediment to being with her. She's in the UK, right, not Australia?

DrWhy · 15/06/2016 19:50

My DH couldn't get to my Dad's funeral, my in-laws travelled 3.5 hours each way to come and support me as he couldn't make it (they would have come anyway I'm sure). I was profoundly grateful to feel there was someone there for me specifically, especially as we have been married less that a year. Really made me feel the two families were joined.

mommybunny · 15/06/2016 19:52

Wow OP, to punish her daughter for working by skipping her husband's funeral. I get that it may not be direct cause-and-effect, but still ...

Sounds like your MIL has a very wide selfish streak. Is that right?

Definitely push DH to go to his BIL's funeral. It's only right.

SarfEast1cated · 15/06/2016 19:53

Really made me feel the two families were joined.
drwhy and that's the whole point isn't it... these events reinforce family bonds. You don't have to life in each others pockets, but you do have to be there for the big things...

hidingwithwine · 15/06/2016 19:53

Both my FIL and MIL and step FIL came to my dads funeral last year. Since they've all been my extra parents for over 20 years I wouldn't have expected them not to be there. The fact that MIL has an insane obsession with FIL get over it but they still managed to attend and be in the same room for the wake afterward meant a huge deal to my mum and I.

Rinceoir · 15/06/2016 20:15

I am in awe of the resilience of Catholic families who have open coffins
Jessie in Ireland it is seen as a comforting way to say goodbye to someone for the last time. Before my grandmother died (expected death) for example she made sure we all knew what outfit she wanted to be buried in, and what readings she wanted at the mass.

After she died a large group of neighbours, friends and family gathered at her home and people talked into the small hours about her, ate, drank and sat by her bedside (she was waked in her home). It was lovely, very comforting. Really reminded us what a difference she made to people.

The funerals are held much sooner after a death as well- typically if a death occurs on Monday there's a removal service Tuesday and funeral Wednesday unless there are delays for post-mortems or for people travelling from abroad.