To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

[BoxofSnails]

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

Oh, and my parents, who also live hundreds of miles away, were there too - he was their son-in-law and they cared for him very much.
Maybe it's a cultural thing too - we're Scottish, there's a very similar attitude to Irish people regarding funerals.

So this poor woman's husband has died and her brother and her mother can't be bothered to go to the funeral?

Dear God. I hope she has good friends because her family are appalling.

Your husband needs to take a good look at himself.

No I don't think it's particularly etiquette, I think it depends on how well they knew each other and whether or not their own child is in need of their support.

My mum's parents didn't come to my Dad's parents' funerals; granted it was a 200 mile trip, but no one expected them to either.

Obviously couldn't have worked the other way around because Dad's parents died first - but they wouldn't have come south for Mum's parents either.

My MIL was staying with us when my Mum died, but had to catch her plane back to Australia before the funeral - that was fine too.

Think that's the only relevant funerals in my family that I can remember.

My Dad wouldn't come to MIL's funeral, and she wouldn't come to Dad's - but then one is in the UK and one in Australia, so again, wouldn't expect them to.

No, I think that is quite usual. It is showing respect for the person who has died and support for the people grieving.

So she is not going to her son in law's funeral?

Odd.

Not attending the funeral of your son in law is utterly shameful unless there was serious illness or worse as an excuse.

Attending the other side in laws really depends on the closeness of the relationship. Ideally yes but not necessarily. I will face this one in the next few years or less. I actually don't think my parents would see the need to travel to my in laws funerals which will seem rude to me. However, I'm also not that sure I would want them there.

Sorry for all your family losses.

Your MIL isn't going to her son in law's funeral??

Very fucking odd. (assuming there wasn't any bad blood between them when he was alive.)

It depends on the family relationships. Can't say it's normal in all circumstances, no.

Imagine not going to your daughter's husband's funeral!

Lots of people, including my uncle and my MIL wouldn't attend my mum's funeral because she hadn't got on well with them. I even had to beg my dad to attend for my teenage siblings sake.

I didn't know this was bad manners but I do remember being annoyed because I would have liked them to attend, for my sake, as they claim to care about me. But at the time I didn't have the energy for an argument.

I was slightly confused at first thinking you meant "parents-in-law" - but actually, you are talking about someone not attending their SON-in-law's funeral aren't you? And yes I do think that is odd. I think with PILs it depends - I imagine my PILs would attend the funeral if either of my parents died, but I can also see how not everyone would.

A son-in-law though, absolutely YANBU. I would be devastated if my husband died and my parents chose not to attend, although they could (i.e. as you say not overseas, not too frail etc).

Having said that, I do think it's slightly bizarre that your MIL isn't going to her own DD's husband's funeral - that's not right, IMO. UNless as others have said, there is bad blood, she doesn't like her DD, or many other reasons that mean it would actually be worse for your SIL to have her there than otherwise.

But in general - yes, I would expect parents to come to their DCIL's funeral. At least to support their own DC!

Let me get this straight. Your sister in law has just been widowed and her own mother isn't going to go and support her while she buries her husband? Are they estranged? Are you and your husband going to support her? Granted I'm Irish and we have a tradition of mass support for the bereaved even if we didn't know the deceased, but I'd have thought supporting your daughter/sister through the loss of her husband would be absolutely universal.

I'd say it's very normal to attend the funeral of your son in law or brother in law. In fact I'd say it's bloody weird not to unless there is a massive family rift or huge distance.

My brother died a few years ago and despite only having met him once, both of my parents in law - who are separated - came.

Yes, maybe it's a focus for the grief that is still ongoing Chaz
I will be pretty saddened if they don't go - and I would if I could - I think MIL sometimes doesn't realise what her actions are 'saying'. She has quite a passive aggressive communication style, which she doesn't realise, it's become just how she communicates. At 70+ I doubt she'll change.
DH is thinking about it - I have been around as much as I can on the phone etc. No substitute for turning up to pay your respects though.

I think it depends on

• how well the in laws knew the family and
• whether their presence is supportive and nurturing or a complete PITA at a difficult time

The last thing I would want is my MIL at any of my family funerals - she is overbearing and bullying and lacking in appropriate emotional responses by my family's standards to the point that she'd probably suggest half way through that we all went to a national trust house for a nice visit afterwards. It would definitely not be helpful to have her there. For this type of reason, DH and I are careful to keep the two families quite separate, so they don't really know each other.

The more funerals I go to the more I realise that there is no right or wrong way to do these things and that a little more tolerance of different viewpoints goes a long way.

Same here Springer. I'm Irish and sometimes find UK funeral customs a bit unusual but I can't imagine any culture where swerving your son in law's funeral would ever be seen as anything but weird behaviour.

Dhs parents did not come to my dad's funeral, they'd never met him though, dhs family offered me lots of support at home though, they get on my nerves at times, but they are always there whenever we need help. My brothers pils attended, as did my stepbrothers girlfriends parents, they'd met my dad a few times though

I'll hold my hands up though and say my family are fucked up, my dh wasn't allowed to travel with me in the funeral car because she wanted her parents (my dad's pils) in there with her and her best mate ( who my dad had met twice). I went along with it and smiled nicely as I'd been taught to but I've never felt so lonely as I did at dad's funeral. My db had his wife, step brother had his girlfriend and stepmum had her mum and dad and best friend, I had no one. I'd been treat differently by Dad and his wife all my life and I never felt it more than I did in that car.

If something happened to dh parents, my mum would rather not go to funeral as she didn't know them at all but she would be here, she'd do anything dh asked to make things easier for the family, taking people who can't drive to the church etc. she would attend in a heartbeat if dh, dd or myself wanted her to or if she thought we'd need her there.

Dh uncles funeral was a few days after my Dads, I would have gone with him but dh knew it was too much for me, I'd never met him and space was tight so I think everyone was relieved that I didn't go, I stayed back at dhs grans and made the tea/coffee sandwiches for everyone coming home.

I think it comes down to individual families though and the dynamics.

Why is your DH 'thinking' about going to his brother-in-law's funeral? Why is it not automatic? Were they not close at all?

I don't understand why that's not a close enough relationship for you not to be allowed either.

If my DH died, then absofuckinglutley my would go, she'd not only go, she'd be here staying with me. If she was at the other side of the earth she would come.

My parents came to my mother in law's funeral. They didn't know her well, but it was the right thing to do.

Mind you, my husband's father wasn't going to come to the funeral (it was his ex wife and the mother of his 3 children) until he was told in no uncertain terms by his brothers (who did come) and partner that he was expected to go and wouldn't be welcome home until he had been to the wake as well.

Ack. Families are complicated.

I missed that. So neither your DH or your MIL are planning to go to their sister/daughter's husband's funeral?

So bizarre.

Just thinking back. Did my maternal grandparents attend my paternal grandparents' funerals?

No, they didn't. Don't think it's weird.