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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is the right 'funeral etiquette'

184 replies

BoxofSnails · 15/06/2016 11:21

If a parent dies, is it traditional and usual for your PILs, if in good health and able (ie. not overseas, too frail, still working and unable to get leave etc) to attend the funeral?

I think this is normal etiquette and was actually quite hurt by my sister's PILs, who knew my mum pretty well, not coming to her funeral - they were then late 50s, retired and well (my mum died at 60) so maybe I am putting an emotional slant on this - for that reason please be gentle (if that exists in AIBU!).

My DH's BIL (his sister's husband) died recently, and I am surprised that his mum isn't going down for the funeral, mainly as support for his sister, because she 'doesn't like to travel'. I've said maybe DH should take her - he's self employed and therefore flexible - as it's just what families do - he, gently, disagrees.

Maybe I'm just being old fashioned? Or am I completely wrong?!

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 15/06/2016 12:10

It depends really how well they all know each other. If they meet socially (albeit through their children) more than a couple of times a year probably more normal to attend. If only meet every few years not that normal.

In our family funerals are for close family and friends. I find this voyeuristic attending of funerals by people who don't know the deceased well a little bit tasteless tbh.

MrsLupo · 15/06/2016 12:11

I think fairly normal to attend/be expected to attend in the circumstances you describe, OP, but more than that I think it's important no one is expected to attend a funeral they don't want to go to - whatever the reason, and never forgetting the reason given may not be the real one.

Flowers for the loss of your mother.

WomanActually · 15/06/2016 12:11

Sorry, I think your dh should go too.

If he doesn't know any of them, him standing at the back of the church is better than nothing.

A brother not supporting his widowed sister is as off as a mother not supporting her Daughter.
She's lost her husband, not going shouldn't be an option.

ChicRock · 15/06/2016 12:12

Your DH is not going to his sister's husband's funeral?

Your MIL is not going to her daughter's husband's funeral?

Fucking disgusting, the pair of them.

CotswoldStrife · 15/06/2016 12:12

My parents went to my in-laws funerals - they did get on well and lived within about 15 mins of each other.

I can see that you may not be able to get time off for the upcoming funeral, but I am surprised that your husband will not go - and also your MIL - I also have a relative that doesn't tend to go to funerals (depression/mental health issues) and I often think that their own funeral will be pretty sparsely attended because they never made the effort for others Sad

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 15/06/2016 12:12

Its not so much about the funeral IMO but unless they are estranged or your MIL openly despised her son in law it seems a little cold of your MIL not to want to support her own daughter when her daughter has just lost her husband.

banivani · 15/06/2016 12:14

I'm half Swedish half Irish. So everything the Irish people are saying I can stand behind, however I've missed all the Irish funerals because I couldn't arrange the trip over on such short notice (I was poorer back then). I am however aware that people in Ireland might (probably do) look at me a little askance over this. In Sweden funerals are ludicrously planned, to the point where we passed a law saying that the burial must take place no later than a month after the death. People sit around checking their calendars and saying, no no, I have a big presentation that week, can we bury mother next week? However, people will turn up, once the date is set so they can plan! It would be very normal for inlaws to be at the funeral of the other inlaws. Unless they've been told it's to be a very private ceremony or something.

MitzyLeFrouf · 15/06/2016 12:14

I find this voyeuristic attending of funerals by people who don't know the deceased well a little bit tasteless

I think it's a bit tasteless of you to call it 'voyeuristic'? Maybe it's just a cultural difference.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/06/2016 12:15

Sorry I misread the original post. I think your DH and DMIL should attend their BIL/SIL's funeral. Odd not to.

(I originally thought you were talking about BIL's parent Blush)

Buttock · 15/06/2016 12:16

I find it odd that a mother wouldn't want to be there to support her daughter when her husband has died. Really odd.

There must be some kind of family issue that you don't know about.

WizardOfToss · 15/06/2016 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 15/06/2016 12:17

Your PIL not attending your mother's funeral is not in itself odd and many families would see that is "intruding" on your side of the family (though others would think the opposite). Going to her son in law's funeral is different because it is about supporting her daughter in the loss of her husband - the more so as presumably nobody expects to lose their husband before they lose their parents (and nobody expects to see their child widowed in their lifetime) in the normal "predictable" run of things.

LunaLoveg00d · 15/06/2016 12:17

My parents have met my parents-in-law about three times. They live at other ends of the country and do not socialise. I think they send each other Christmas cards and that's about it.

I wouldn't expect my inlaws to attend a funeral on my side or my parents to attend a funeral on husband's side.

sixandoot · 15/06/2016 12:18

The answer to the first part of your question, about going to or not going to one's son-in-law's or daughter-in-law's parent's funeral is somewhat subjective but if they live within several hours' drive then yes they should be there.

The second part of your question, about whether your MIL and/or your husband should go to the funeral of their daughter's/sister's husband, is absolutely unfathomable. You haven't mentioned that they're estranged, so quite clearly there isn't a doubt that both of them should be there. If I were the sister I would be unlikely to have any contact ever again with my mother or my brother or any other immediate family member who didn't come to my husband's funeral. And if I were you I would seriously be questioning whether I wanted to continue a relationship with, or ever have anything to do with ever again, my husband who didn't go to the funeral of his sister's husband. Appalling.

JessieMcJessie · 15/06/2016 12:19

2 scenarios here.

  1. Parents who do not go to the funeral of their child's husband or wife's parent - depends on circumstances but could be fine if relationship not close. Default would be to go though I think. My DB's parents- in- law came to our Mum's funeral even though they had only met her a handful of times, and flew to the UK from Ireland to attend. I was unmarried at the time. DB and I saw this as a lovely gesture but would not have been upset bad they not attended. As people say above, their being Irish probably influenced their decision to attend.
  1. Mother and brother who do not attend funeral of their daught/ sister's husband. Shameful, utterly shameful and shocking.

Does your DH's Mum not want to be with her daughter anyway to support her through this awful time? Any normal parent would be at her daughter's side as soon as the husband had died, or even before if it was an expected death.

Justaskingnottelling · 15/06/2016 12:20

I wouldn't expect my PIL to attend parents' funeral. I have plenty of closer family to support me. But I would be distraught if my sisters didn't want to support me if dh died. I think it would be a deal breaker for any ongoing relationship - unless they had incredibly good reasons. And as for me not supporting my own child if their spouse died; I'd be there even if they had to carry me in. What's the point in family otherwise? I'd be there not because it's protocol or because I should, but because I love them.

Wheelerdeeler · 15/06/2016 12:20

I am also Irish and we attend funerals for the living. To express our sympathies to the bereaved.

Funerals here are huge - in face we have both a removal and a funeral. Many would attend both.

I cannot fathom a situation where a brother would not be on the road to see his sister the minute her husband passed away. If he wasn't already there when he died - if it wasn't sudden.

There are hundreds and often thousands at funerals here - it is all part of the process.

lalalalyra · 15/06/2016 12:21

The PIL situation is one thing, but I think it's absolutly awful that your SIL may not have her mother or her brother (and SIL actually) at her husband's funeral.

I find it's getting more common though that people don't go to funerals. I think people have forgotten a bit that it's not about what the deceased person would think (I was at one recently and a friend didn't go as she hates funerals and knew X wouldn't mine...), but about supporting their family. If one of my DD's ever lost their husband I can't imagine for a second not travelling to wherever in the world they were to support them through the funeral even if I had to beg, steal or borrow to be there.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/06/2016 12:21

Mitzy no doubt it is a cultural difference. I was giving my personal opinion, unfortunately I know one or two people who seem to attend funerals at the drop of a hat in order to 'be seen' as going. For our family, funerals are private family occasions.

I do attend funerals of work colleagues to pay my respects depending on the type and locality of the service.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/06/2016 12:23

I agree with the PP who have split out the two scenarios. It is odd that your MIL doesn't want to support her own daughter. Your DH should go whatever his DM chooses to do.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/06/2016 12:26

I deliberately didn't ask my PIL to attend my mum's funeral, for two reasons.

  1. it took us a huge amount of effort to persuade my dad to let us tell anyone at all

  2. I find the PIL (step MIL, tbh) to be more of an emotional drain than comfort and did not want to feel obliged to look after them my my own mother's fucking funeral. My dad would also have felt obliged to treat them as guests and it would have made things harder for him too.

They'd have meant well, they are kind people, but no. Just no.

Step MIL made several woe is me remarks about not being invited (she wanted to GRIEVE, you see) until DH and FIL independently told her to STFU.

It was probably rude of me not to invite them but I don't bloody care.

I'm sorry for your loss op Flowers

BrownAjah · 15/06/2016 12:26

I'm also from an Irish family and everybody attends funerals. When my grandmother died a few years back the entire town turned up to view the body before the funeral - queues down the street!

Not sure it's the same here though. I think people are more wary of causing offence by appearing nosy. DH (English) was surprised by my grandfather's funeral where everybody turned out and it was like a celebration afterwards rather than a sombre affair. Mine and DH's parents are not close so I'm not sure they would attend each other in that way.

MyKidsAreTakingMySanity · 15/06/2016 12:27

Meh, my MIL didn't go to our lost baby's funeral because she "didn't like things like that". Hubby felt really unsupported that day by his family as none came.

I gave up that day expecting people to behave in a way I would see as a no brainier.

elQuintoConyo · 15/06/2016 12:29

So, it would be like my mother not coming to my husband's funeral? Or my Mil not coming to mine?

What truly hideous people. I can't... Words just... No. What an utter shitty thing to do. The c word springs to mind Angry

irregularegular · 15/06/2016 12:29

No, I wouldn't necessarily expect PIL to attend a parent's funeral. I don't believe in funeral "etiquette". You attend a funeral either because you knew the deceased fairly well, or because those left behind need your support. When my mother died, it would never have occurred to me that my PIL would go to the funeral, nor one of my sister's PIL. But they are relatively distant and barely met my parents apart from at the wedding. My other sister's MIL and SIL went, but they live very nearby and have probably met slightly more often - but nobody "expected" them to or would have thought anything of it if they didn't.

But I know I do differ a little on funerals with others here. I once argued that it wasn't right to just assume a friend would want you to attend her parent's funeral when you didn't really know them. Most people disagreed.

Not attending your daughter's husband's funeral is different though. I think in most cases you would know you SIL fairly well and your daughter would want your support. To not go when your daughter wants you there is clearly not right. But I guess that isn't always the case. Maybe they aren't close and maybe she has plenty of support from friends or her husband's family.

I'd certainly expect my father and sisters to attend my husband's funeral if they could!